My 15yr old sister has moved in and i need HELP

[Cocolove]

So my sister got kicked out of school and mum couldnt handle her so ive taken her in, shes 15 and is starting year 9 (repeating) on monday here at the local Tech school shes 4 hours from home!

Shes lazy, she's messy, she thinks everythings a joke, she follows me around, she sits on facebook on her phone all day even if we are out shes on the phone, Im going insane my house is chaos I hate mess HATE HATE HATE mess and she will leave a dirty plate, rubbish, mugs, open bottles of water (the JB finds and spills) I need help I need to know what I should expect of her, should I write up a chore chart or something, Im lost im new to the teenager thing

Please HELP!!

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I think maybe a good chat and explaining your there for her and offering her a second chance, you don't expect her to move in and be a babysitter or a cleaner BUT at her age there are certain things she should be able to do for herself and to help you out a bit.

1. Stack dishes and tidy up after herself in the kitchen
2. Keep her room clean (i'm sure your girls do this and they are a lot younger)
3. Set a couple of BASIC chores for her to do - dishes, maybe sweep the floor or something.
4. No Phone at school, no phone in public (ie at friends houses or at dinner etc), 1hr games/fb time on phone at night (or more if you agree)

I know your her sister and not her mum but it's YOUR house, you have your own kids to look after and your doing her a favor taking her in.. she needs to recognise she is NOT a child and she has some responsibility too.
I think a good chat with her though on what you expect is a good place to start.

[Cocolove]

Thanks ZF
Montana manages to keep her little room clean but they always leave clothes all over the house coz they are too lazy to walk to the laundry or put the, away they have just been told if I find anymore clothes around ill limit their wardrobe to 1 pr of shorts 1pr of jeans 1 top and one jumper!

[Fleur]

Ahh teenagers. Fun much?

Good on you for giving her a place

As ZF said, it's a good idea to sit down & talk with her. I'm not sure how receptive she is, but try explaining how it makes you feel when she leaves stuff lying around etc. Try not to go overboard...pick a few of the WORST things, or keep it simple.

My teenage DD hates it when I make statements like 'you always...' (even when it's true, lol) so I try to keep it as accurate as possible - 'I feel like you do X a lot, and it frustrates me becuase I am trying to keep things tidy'
and that helps keep her form becoming too defensive. If she feels like I'm attacking her she just closes up & nothing I say gets through.

If you can, offer her a trade - you expect A,B,C and she can have / get / do X,Y,Z. It doesn't have to be monetary - it might be as basic as, if she picks up her washing then you will do it with the rest of the family's washing. If she leaves it lying around, then she has to look after it.
Get her to enter into an agreement with you on it, and get her to verbalise it - 'I will....' You might have to do the same. My teenagers both are really big on fairness. You cannot ask for more than you expect.

Most of all be patient, it will take time for things to change. She's following you around all day... she sounds lost Give her firm boundaries & a loving safe place, and then time...
Good luck

ETA - just read your last post - consequences are great things. Limiting their wardrobe if they leave clothes lying around is a really appropriate response I think. DS1 has just lost his iPod charger because he continually leaves it hanging out of the computer...he was warned, now it's gone for a week.

[Cocolove]

Thanks Fluer, its so tough to ask things of her, shes come from being constantly yelled at and orderd around to a loving family & Im just scared of nagging at her, mums still nagging at her from 4 hours away telling her how she can & cant cut her hair, IM her carer now is this a fair statement?

She has it really well here, all id like her to do is tidy up after herself and maybe watch the kids for 10min while i go to the supermarket i dont want to overwhelm her and make her feel like a slave I feel I shouldnt have to ask her to tidy her room it should be known, my house has the worst design you have to walk through her & MJ's room to go to the bathroom so that means people are walking through a bit so i just want it tidy.

Is she too young for a chore chart? Is it too much to ask for her to take washing off the line & do the night dishes and clean up after herself, thats all i ask really!

DD1 has lost her iPod touch due to her attitude!

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Is she too young for a chore chart? Is it too much to ask for her to take washing off the line & do the night dishes and clean up after herself, thats all i ask really!

Hell no, at her age i was doing a LOT more.. cooking tea, dishes, chopping wood, washing ,vacing.. i was doign LOTS.
DD1 is 2 and she already helps make her own bed, we get her to help put her toys away and she helps vac.. it's not forced and i know THIS TO SHALL PASS but if she can do it at 2 then a 15yr old can manage.. stay strong babe, your an amazing mum and a wonderful sister.

[Mak]

How long has she been with you? I would err on the side of caution and go gently with her. So perhaps just gently chat to her about the room needing to be accessed and give her some easy options to plonk stuff on/behind.
Moving out of home cos you have no options there anymore would be rough no matter how your behaviour has prompted it so I think she is probably after some reassurance that she has a place with you (and probably still with your mum etc). I realise you need to have things function but it may take some time to get your groove going together too. Is there any chance of tapping into some counselling for her (and you) to give you both some time to debrief and discuss your strategies with someone neutral? You both will need some neutral support so you can talk with out filtering your concerns/needs. I know it may sound OTT but she is still very young and you are her sister so renegotiating those boundaries will be difficult.
Does school have any options to support her? It is a tricky age to establish yourself again especially if you are feeling a bit lost anyway.
She is lucky to have you.

[Jennifer13]

Thanks ZF
Montana manages to keep her little room clean but they always leave clothes all over the house coz they are too lazy to walk to the laundry or put the, away they have just been told if I find anymore clothes around ill limit their wardrobe to 1 pr of shorts 1pr of jeans 1 top and one jumper!

Try sticking a laundry basket in her room and the bathroom where she gets changed. Seriously, for the few dollars they cost from the Reject Shop it's the least stressful solution! I did this with DP who with clothes was exactly the same.

[Cocolove]

There is a basket in the bathroom which is right next to her room! Its not just dirty clothes its clothes shes asked to put away, clothes she takes off just coz she wants to get changed etc..

[Fleur]

shes come from being constantly yelled at and orderd around to a loving family & Im just scared of nagging at her,

Don't be afraid to set boundaries & rules though. You can still do this lovingly.

Kids / teenagers need some boundaries, it gives them a safe space to be in and also gives them something to push against - that might sound silly but I am a strong believer that it is teenage nature to test boundaries & see how far the rules will stretch, and it is better for everyone if those guidlines are there. If you draw a 1msquare, they will go to 1.5m. If you go to 2m, they will go to 3. But if there are no rules at all, there are no limits & they will feel lost. Does that make sense?

Rules need to be consistent though, and fair. And maybe inviting her input will help. See what she thinks is fair & reasonable. I read something once, by a parent who allowed his teen to choose his own punishments. They were usually more severe than what the parent themselves would have chosen. Likewise you might find that if she has input into her chores she's more inclined to do them.
No, she is absolutely not too young for a chore chart.
Also it's ok to cater for likes & dislikes IMO. My DD1 hates the dishes, DS1 hates hanging washing. Chores are often alloted with this in mind.

As for the hair cut, that's betwen you & your mum. Your mother might feel that she is still the mother & should have a say in these kind of things?
My personal opinion is that by 15 (in fact for us, it was 13) they are more or less able to make their own choices about hair. It is such a big form of self-expression, and much less permanent than piercings or tattoos. We let them go for it in that area. But like I said, that one is really between you & you rmum - you might need to talk with her too I think & establish exactly what you are responsible for if your sister is living with you.

[Cocolove]

whoops i meant is she too OLD for a chore chart!!

Shes been here permanantly for 2 weeks, she was here 2 weeks in DEC but went home for holidays!

Thanks so much for your help, all of you, I am gonna need as much as I can get!

[Fleur]

Lol. My thought was that if anything she would be too old. But if it's needed then I don't see why you can't use it.

It's another thing I would suss her out on. I know I keep saying to talk to her about it But I feel that she might benefit from having some input into things, and it might make her much more receptive to it. It's harder to argue about doing the dishes when you have agreed that it's fair, or even better, when you've chosen that particular chore.

We had a deal struck here the other week that DS1 would do the kitchen jobs & DD1 would do the bathroom & washing jobs. It has worked in her favour so far, she keeps putting it off - but last night I was able to say to her 'this isn't fair, you agreed to this, time to pick your act up' - and she went & tidied & cleaned the entire bathroom. So that was a win

[Madham]

RD i have done the whole confiscated everything and it got to the point all she had in her room was her bed and clothes, no phone, no ipod, laptop etc but it doesnt work with her. I think it was the well i haven't got anything else to lose so who cares attitude.
I once asked LuLu advice last year as i had been reading through her post about her daughter, she had some great advice and helped me ever so much. Do your self a favour and have a look through and read her blog about Belle. I changed my entire outlook on dealing with DD, and to be honest you need to look at this whole situation through her eyes, its a tough time for her and its hard enough being a teen with all the emotions and body changes but then to be moved to a new town where you dont know anyone, it would be a huge change for her. I think maybe if you try treating her in some ways like and adult, even to the extent of having a girls day with her, this was a suggestion form Lulu that really helped my relationship with DD, we have a night once every few weeks where we either go to the movies or dinner, next week i am taking her to get her nails done. Its difficult to find that connection if you are always at each others throats, i now say to DD if she hasnt done what it expected of her " you know that's not really fair that you havent eg hung the washing out as we agreed this is one of your chores" and you know what 9/10 she goes and does it. DD is no angel we have setbacks and usually they around AF time but i cut her some slack as most of the time she is ok.
This weekend she has a birthday party she is invited to and i have said i wanted all her jobs done by friday (tomorrow) or she wont be attending, last night she did the majority and only has a general tidy up to do.
I also think the way you approach the subject with a teen has alot to do with there actions. DH goes at it like a bull at a gate and it doesnt work, i find if i sit and talk about it with her no raised voices etc we can come to an agreement. Sorry if i waffled on a bit.
Good luck having a teen is not easy.

[Madham]

Having a teen is not cheap. Any chance she can get a part time job to help contribute, it would be good for her to learn the cost of things and also help you. Your mum should also be giving you some child support and directly to you.

[LionsandBears]

I agree with Madham. I was working casually at 15. It will give her a sense of responsibility to contribute to the household, rather than just bludging.

[Fleur]

This is way harder than I thought, Mum gives me no money for her yet still claims the FTB, she eats me out of house and home, yeah DH makes good money but we cant afford her! Mum put $100 in her account 2 weeks ago and said it was all for my sister, she ended up giving me $50 and mum went off, our shopping bill is now $250 a week, this is insane!

I don't understand... your mum was unhappy that your sister gave you money to contribute? seems a bit poor form to me... I think Feijoa Mum's idea is a good one, contact Centrelink & see what suggestions they have. It is really hard, teenagers aren't cheap & very unfair of your mother to expect that she can still claim FTB for her.

My teenage DD got her first job at 15, it was the best thing ever.. it gave her a bit of her own money, it gave her a sense of responsibility, it helped her understand the difference between spending our money and her own.
In your sister's case if it's a job close to you it might also help give her solid feet nearer to you, and another reason not to go back to her old neighbourhood & crowd.

Even if she does get a job & is able to help out a bit Iwould still be trying to look for some financial asistance elsewhere.
Good luck

[Cocolove]

Because our mum is self centred & everythings about her, she cries poor but her designer shoes & Jewllery box will tell you otherwise!

Mahdam i could do with some advice on handling the lazyness & what punsihments, chores etc are suitable for a 15yr old id love it if you can PM me!

[Jennifer13]

There is a basket in the bathroom which is right next to her room! Its not just dirty clothes its clothes shes asked to put away, clothes she takes off just coz she wants to get changed etc..

Yeah I know, but with DP even that didn't work and he's an adult! I just put a wash basket right in the same space where he'd get changed. Eventually he got into the habit and went looking for one and now I have three spare baskets in the laundry.

Sounds like you're doing wonderfully with her and this is a settling in period. Good luck while you figure it all out.