I did read that book that someone recommended (i think it was you mrsmac) princess b!tchface syndrome... and it did help put some perspective on the situation.
Laura has recently had AF start - and was extremely impressed with how she handled it all, much better then I did when i started. I think AF might be about to pay a visit again soon, she is as moody as all hell, and the attitude - OMG!! the way she speaks to EVERYONE in the house is driving me nuts. I could slap her! Bossing around her brother constantly, moaning about DH (who is her step-dad ... so I hear you mrsmac - the whole blended family thing ugrh!! my DH behaves the same, and I'm like HELLO who is the adult here!!!!) and basically behaving like she is the most hard done by child in the universe.
Mel - we do the same thing when laura misbehaves - take away the things that are important to her - music, phone. and be consistent with it. I have actually stopped myself from engaging with her when she is arguementive, i found it only excerbates the situation - its hard, because all i want to do is yell back at her you ungratefull so and so... but I state the facts, and then if I have to walk away.
It did get worse before it got better though, and will probably get worse again, but at the moment I can actually see her thinking "right, if I keep going here I'm the one who is going to suffer the consequences of my own actions..so maybe I should just stop..."
My son Nathan is the one who cops it the most, i liken it to the whole pack thing - you know, he is the next down in line, so when she is p!ssed at mum and dad, instead of turning it on them, she turns it on him. and then of course, he can stir her mercilessly... with great delight!!
Laura and I got a book sent to us for our birthdays (which are close together) kaz Cook's Girl Stuff. It really is a great book, and has been the point of departure for many conversations between us. Even when I don't think she is listening (got that pinched expression her face that says loud and clear WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW MUM!) she really is, and quite often comes back and apologises for her words, or will start a conversation about whatever it was I was saying....
for the moment I really do think the biggest difference to how she is behaving has more to do with how I am behaving... if that makes sense. It is hard believe me, to not engage in it, but if I want her to learn how to manage her own behaviour, I have to model it. so its been good for me too. I think the fact that I could hear myself in her tone, and behaviour made me actually cringe - and take a step back and go whoa, hang on a minute, no use talking the talk, but not walking the walk.
anyway, that's where we are at at the moment...tomorrow may be totally different, and I could be pulling my hair out again, in the mean time I will enjoy the reprieve while its on!
Mrs Mac, DD is not DH's either, I left her dad when I was pregnant and DH has been around since she was 2. I was going to put her up for adoption when I was pregnant and my family talked me out of it saying I would regret it ect, as at the time I was in no frame of mind to raise a child still clubbing 4 nights ect, Mum said she would raise her I would have unlimited access to her ect and she would always Know that I was her mum. In reality it has been a lot different yes she hasnt stopped me seeing her and she knows I am her mum, but my sisters have also all played apart is raising her making decions ect and she calls my mum mum not me (that is the thing that hurts the most). All was working out like this til last year when Cooper was born and an argument she had in the shops with my mum becasue she couldnt get her own way (mum spoilt her rotten) so she decided that she wanted to live with us, um phoned me and we discussed the situation she had 2 weeks of the school term to go, grade 7 then half a semester, we tried to tell her stay there till primary schhol finished and high school with us but she wouldnt and came to us that weekend, She doesnt understand that has been changes for everyone, Cody is noticing he is no longer the oldest ect and DH says when she isnt here it is so peaceful (it is) if she doesnt get her own way straight on the phone to mum ect her says she isnt getting involved but she does, so in saying thatis making it difficult for everyone. We cant get her to do dishes clean her room or anything as mum did absolutley everything for her. Anyway best go gotto do the school run.
KAZ KOOKE .....Girl stuff my dad got her that for Christmas I might actually read it today.
Mel - it sounds like she is testing your boundaries - big time! another brilliant book that I read, and saved my sanity was Boundaries with Kids. It is a christian book - so there are bibilical references in it, but having said that, I'm not a christian, and tended to flick over them. it doesnt take away from the overall messages - which basically that actions have conseqences and taking responsiblity for your own behaviour and the choices you make- now and when you grow up. after I had read the book I sat down with Laura and nathan and told them that this was what would be happening. this was about 4 years ago. and yes we still have our ups and downs, but overall things are monumentally better. it did get worse before it got better, but I just kept reminding myself that I was over the fighting, yelling and nagging... and it got me through.
the whole blended family thing is painful and has a unique dynamic all of its own!! often I feel like I have two families - one with DH and aston, the other with laura nathan and aston... drives me nuts!
I'm glad you took her phone off her, and the other things, be consistent with her, you have done the right thing, no matter how much she yells at you, YOUR THE MUM and you make the rules. She may have been able to do what she wanted when and where when she was with your mum, but she chose to come and live with you, so she has to live by your rules. Hang in there Mel. have a look at Kaz Cooke, see if you can get a copy of Boundaries with Kids, and talk talk talk... and I know how hard it is - but DONT engage with her when she is being arguementive.... just repeat after me... "when you are ready to talk to me calmly I'll be ready to listen..." and walk away.
GGGRRRRRRRRRR Sarah is at it again. We have gone through such a nice quiet period that I thought she was over the hassles but NO. This morning she threw a tantrum worthy of my 3y/o all because she couldn't take the day off and go to the horse sales. She yelled at DF that she hates him and then on the way to school she said she was suicidal but that she was over counsellors and that she was not going to eat again She also asked what we would do if she ran away again. DF told her that if she is over 16 then she can make adult decisions about herself but until then we would call the police (like last time). All this after we let her go out to a friends formal and after formal party until 11.30pm only on Tuesday. She seriously thinks she is so hard done by. The only reason we didn't let her have the day off was because she truanted not long ago and got busted. This was the schools referral free day and we told her she couldn't have the fun part of it but had to still go to school. It is only a 1/2 day anyway as it is sport day and hardly anyone is there. I now have to pick her up at 12.30. I'm so sick of the stress she can cause and believe me she will.
Fiona: oh dear... don't ever feel bad for debriefing here... even if it just touches upon the issues... it must be so hard juggling that and your new little girl.
Cass: Sadly that was similar to what I experienced when I was 12 and got my periods. My parents had recently split too... and I was somewhat neglected but not quite as bad as your DSD. My mother had a new partner and only had time for him. She stopped providing for my sister and I unless it was glaringly urgent... I felt too reluctant to tell my mother anything about my personal hygiene needs because my mother would use it as a reason to get attention from her new partner "Oooooh she needs a BRA! She thinks she is so grown up now!" and then next thing I would have this creepy boyfriend of hers looking at my chest. I also hid my undies because mum and the BF would tell everyone and make a fuss in loud voices. So I'm wondering if your DSD has also learned that this is the best way? I don't recall mum buying me deodorant either... and I was too ashamed to ask... so I used to just use the cheap avon perfumes that aunts and grandmas gave me for Christmas and birthdays and spray it right under my arms hoping that it worked but it probably didnt. At least I showered daily and basically kept myself clean. One thing I am so proud of achieving with my DD is total trust. She is completely different when it comes to these issues... she knows I'm discreet... and has no shame about it... she'll ask for anything she needs quite freely. Keep up the good work Cass, I'm sure she will come to trust you too
Kim: Don't worry they all say that they are so hardly done by. Stick to your guns and always trust your instinct. As hard as it might be even though she is throwing a tanty and yelling... don't yell back. Don't let them storm off and slam doors etc. Just calmly observe them and say, if you can can a word in, that you're looking forward to hearing her grievances when she calms down. By letting them know you are willing to listen they will eventually want to be heard and take you up on the offer... but make it on your terms. Try to ignore those attention seeking threats in the heat of the moment.. but once she has calmed down (and you might have to wait a day or two) raise those issues and ask her why she said it.. be persistent... she'll probably try to fob you off (because she'll be embarrassed by then) by keep pressing so that she knows that making those kinds of threats has a consequence. I'm no expert... but for me being calm seems to work... i regret every time I have raised my voice and gotten sucked into to my DDs vortex. You just gotta keep out of it Good luck darl!
ETA: yep my DD has a copy of that big Kaz Cooke's Girl Stuff book lying around her room... I often find it on her bed... she seems to consult it quite a bit.
Bathsheba: I just relayed what you said to DH. He said it sounds pretty spot on to what DSD is going through. Thanks for helping me understand our girl. I'll keep an eye out for the book!
Just reading this (in terror since my teen (in 11 years...) DD will have a step daddy and a daddy....) and wanted to share with you Mel, something my own mother did to my sister when she wouldn't do her chores. Sis was supposed to do the dishes. If she didn't my mother would serve her meals on dirty plates. Not everyone's, just hers. So she would "get" the link between her inaction and the consequence of it. Sis was 14 at the time and within two meals was doing her chores.
I will admit that since we had our own rooms, mum let us keep them however we wanted, but she didn't go in there either - like if we wanted clothes washing we either did it ourselves or put them in the family washing basket (which we took turns at sorting/washing). She did not come in our rooms to rescue our clothes and she insisted on correct attire. i.e. if you left your school uniform on the floor on Friday you went in stinky and crumpled on Monday...
wow ladies im so glad i started this thread i so hear you on alot of thinbgs we have a blended family
and we the same we take things off the girls when there getting punished .
i must admitt clarissa seems to be getting better least we can talk and this year shes even starting to talk to me about things we are great but still there are days and oh my god you think who are you .
its like my girls are taking it in turns clarissa has a bad day then its kates turn .
kates just starting to turn into this girl that you dont know least i know with clarissa theres a light at the end of the tunnel not like last year when clarissa
was going through it i really felt this were not going to get better .
i realised alot of things that workand alot of things that dont work
Just wanted to say... teenage boys can be just as trying! Hoobley I do the same with Joshua and his clothes... if they're not in the washing, they don't get washed...as for his room, I only ask he makes his bed. He's not too bad with that.
I noticed a few who have kiddies living with dad/mum... Joshua lives with his dad (his choice mostly) but I tell you they butt heads like nothing else and I'm at my wits end with it sometimes when Joshua calls me because he hates living there but doesn't want to live here cos his mates are there.... *sighs* it's not a fun part of being a parent that's for sure... although I must say that I'm so grateful that just in the past few months Joshua seems to trust me enough to come and talk to me about things more now. It's taken many, many hard years of letting him know that he can come and talk to me about anything at all. My number one rule is I will do my best not to get angry about it... and for the most part I don't. What's the point? The point is he now is telling me stuff - even stuff he knows I won't like... he will say, you probably won't like this mum but... and the other day I asked him - is it something I will like or something I will think you're silly for doing and he said you'll probably think I was silly. I've told him that I might not always like how dad does things either he's still his dad and he needs to show respect to him. He knows that he can talk to me to get it off his chest but that I can't necessarily fix what his issue or problem is but that it's better to get it out than to keep it all bottled up. Slowly but surely I think that the calm approach with teens seems to work... well it does mostly...lol. Don't get me wrong though there are days when I could do a Homer Simpson and just strangle him but then the next day he will be the nicest kid you know.
My cousins (both girls) attended boarding school during their teen years. They lived on a farm and because they were both heavily involved with sport (couldn't do it otherwise) their parents allowed them to board at the school, a girls' school. This arrangement seemed to work really well. They would return home for the weekends and school holidays. Honestly, they have the best relationships with their parents.... always have had. Lots of affection, even in public. My aunt and uncle are quite strict, no nonsense kind of people too. Last time I spoke to them they highly recommended the boarding school option... I always thought that was a "cop out" solution until recently! I think the fact that the school would be enforcing all the routines that I find hard to be consistent with: supervised home work sessions, dinners eaten at the table without ipod head phones and involving polite discussion, keeping living quarters tidy and organised. Because I have the large gap between my children I often find that I am "caught up" with dealing with the boys routines and can't focus on my DD as much as she needs, especially of an early evening. I can barely help her with her homework... the boys make noise and want to be involved... fortunately DH does that after the boys have gone to bed and when i need to fall in a heap somewhere!
Our biggest problem is that we have no extended family that are available or active in the raising of our kids. They are nearly all in the country. If only I could send my DD off to stay with them occasionally!
I grew up in a blended family. My parents separated when i was 12. My stepfather was pretty violent too. It got so bad that when he threatened to send me to boarding school I eventually agreed!!! But obviously he decided that he had better things to spend his money on So life went on with me at the local highschool... getting pretty bad grades because I was so distracted by an awful homelife.
I really think that if we had my cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents around to reinforce everything that I was telling DD that it would be better. DH tries to be her bestfriend instead of a parent half the time. I'm left to be the "bad cop" in the "good cop, bad cop" scenario he kinda constructs. The worst thing is that he disagrees with me infront of her about consequences for her poor behaviour Oh and he demonstrates very poor frustration control... I know where she gets her Drama Queen genes from! His Irish temper!
DD tries to be the boys' mother as well. She barks orders at them. Tries to tell me what to do and how to do it. Whips them up into a frenzy while I am trying to cook dinner every night then wonders why, when she has had enough of them and wants to watch TV, wonders why they are all hyper and wanting to jump all over her! This is an almost nightly event. I've taken to separating them all at about 6pm otherwise the house is like a zoo (they end up fighting).
She won't keep her room clean either but she will happily tidy the boys' rooms so i'm as relaxed about that as I can be. She keeps her bathroom in a total state of filth though. Hair everywhere. I can't stop her from cutting her own hair. Y'know I thought I was going to be fine with the whole teenager thing. I thought I was a pretty open-minded person with a fairly alternative aesthetic... but I never expected my DD to have such an opposite aesthetic. She is such an attractive girl but the look these days is just so plain ugly! But I guess that's their role: to define themselves as totally different to "us". Rest assured that whatever clothes and hairstyle that you dislike the most will be the one chosen by your teen DD. If you are a Goth they will probably prefer a neat and conservative style worn with a twin set! If you are a hippy mumma your DD will emerge in a suit and hair in a tight bun!
I have friends that make me feel like I must be doing something wrong: maybe it's ME who has become boring? They are friends with either no children or very young children. Well they are lucky I'm not the kind of person who will tell them: "I told you so!!!" if and when they have a teen to raise!!!
Last edited by Bathsheba; June 10th, 2008 at 12:27 PM.
Quick girls!! Dye your hair black and go waaay over the top on the eye makeup.
Wear band tshirts, even if you dont know who they are. Use words like, angst, misunderstood and phrases such as " you will never understand me", and the classic "its MY life"
That should guarantee us a daughter that dresses in twinsets and pearls....
BTW - on the room issue. DD got cr@apped off when I asked her to do the weekly clean/vacuum of her room, stomped in there and right onto a needle she left on the floor (at least she does her own hems I suppose), it snapped off in her foot and she is now up at he hospital waiting to have it removed......
I'm 19 (20 in March) and i can honestly say, chicks don't seem to get out of the whole teenager thing until they hit 17.
I didn't till then, and my little sister Lulu had only just gotten out of it, and she turns 17 tomorrow. Haha
Oh, and my 10 year old little sister Pipi is just getting into it.
Lulu and I made our mum's life hell while we were in that stage. Fights over everything, yelling "i hate you!!! you don't understand me!!!" Lol.
But don't worry ladies, one day, your daughters will grow up, realise how b**chy they were, and apologise. And realise, that even after everything, you did know what you were talking about, and you did understand, simply because you went through the exact same thing.
My mum and i are closer than ever, especially now i've moved out and i'm pregnant.
Mum's my best friend. And i always say to her how amazed i am that she didn't take a shovel to our heads. Honestly, we were bad, gotta love the fiery european blood huh?
Don't worry, it's hard, but it'll end eventually. And then you'll have a daughter who will one day say, "i am SO sorry for my teenage years mum. I should have listened to you, because you were right"
i hope so sophie
i just always think the worst kim that way i wont be shocked and im hoping that theory will work for me .
kim that dosent sound too bad especially if there not seeing too much of each other
i talk to dd about sex and it gross her out so im hoping she thinks like that for ages
i beleive my dd too about sex ive asked her on many occasions and she says mum no way she used to say when she got married but she stopped saying that
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She also asked what we would do if she ran away again. DF told her that if she is over 16 then she can make adult decisions about herself but until then we would call the police (like last time). All this after we let her go out to a friends formal and after formal party until 11.30pm only on Tuesday. She seriously thinks she is so hard done by. The only reason we didn't let her have the day off was because she truanted not long ago and got busted. This was the schools referral free day and we told her she couldn't have the fun part of it but had to still go to school. It is only a 1/2 day anyway as it is sport day and hardly anyone is there. I now have to pick her up at 12.30. I'm so sick of the stress she can cause and believe me she will.
So life went on with me at the local highschool... getting pretty bad grades because I was so distracted by an awful homelife.
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