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Thread: Teenager and Porn

  1. #19

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    I really think that either you or DH should talk to him about it. The problem with porn is that it's completely unrealistic and he needs to know that; most women don't look like porn actors and the sex acts themselves that are portrayed in porn aren't realistic either. Porn makes the woman into a sex object with no desires or personality or feelings of her own, her soul purpose is the sexual gratification of the man. Porn is degrading to women and because of that, has been directly linked to negative attitudes about women, and also to rape, in many studies. Several studies have shown that after looking at pornography, the men surveyed felt increased hatred towards women, and expressed more misogynistic attitudes. You can't really stop him from looking at porn, but you can at least explaint to him (you or DH) why it's unrealistic and NOT a good thing to model sex upon. Also, some porn is worse than others; it's far less damaging for a person to read a playboy than to watch a hardcore porn DVD.


  2. #20

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    Hi, I have a 13 yo boy too, i have to say i disagree with the porn being ok for adolescents. As a family we have a book on puberty from the family planning clinic and it such a great tool for the kid and parents. there is a section on porn in it i found fantastic. it discusses that porn can be addictive and that whilst growing into your skin and sexuality it doesn't allow for the normal and natural progression of sex. at 13 it is perfectly normal and should be that boys and girls begin becoming sexual - this is in the form of masturbation and discovering their bodies, then it proceeds into a relationship with another learning about the opposite sex (or same sex), flirting, dating and eventually becoming mature enough for a sexual relationship. It has the theary that porn tends to tilt this natural progression of sexuality out of whack and can be very harmful to the adult sexual being. Porn tends to be very one sided, eg the girl does anything the boy wants with the main goal of satisfying the man, as adult men & women, we all know this is certainly NOT the case but through the eyes of an adolescent, it can seem like it is. when adolescents watch alot of porn they may find it screws with their wiring, the sexual urge is in the 'old brain' so it is based alot on instinct.... see graphic naked picture/s, get horny, release. instead of using the 'new brain' and seeing a girl/boy they like, feeling flustered, building up the courage to talk to the girl/boy, flirting, entering a relationship, kissing, touching/getting horny, finding out what each like, trust, then entering into a sexual relationship. This 'marries' the old and new brain into a sexual being, still having the instinct but able to use communication to have a relationship with the other. i think porn is fine for the fully formed sexual adult but can be damaging to young minds. because we all read about it and then did some further reseach we decided that it was not a good idea for our boys to see porn at such an impressionable age. perhaps you could get the book and ask your guy to have a read of it.
    good luck
    beckles
    Last edited by beckles; October 16th, 2008 at 09:09 AM.

  3. #21

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    I have to agree beckles... it seems that a lot of guy friends I had who liked to read porn had a much harder time finding longer term partners with whom to explore and learn new things together, so they would try things the girls didn't want, causing issues... or they wouldn't be able to develop relationships through steps.

  4. #22
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    I also agree completely with beckles, not much more I can add really!

  5. #23

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    Once my husband 'discovered' porn, he became addicted to it very quickly. So much so, that over 10 years later, it threatened our marriage, because I don't believe there is any place for it in our marriage. I realise others have differing opinions, and I think I'm about to be the odd one out, but here goes...

    I don't think that pornography promotes the right attitude towards women/men and relationships. For me, sex only belongs in marriage (another differing view, I know!). Therefore, to allow adolescents to stimulate themselves to a magazine/dvd/video will only promote frustration in the long term. I feel that it puts too much emphasis on the physical/sexual side of relationships, rather than getting into a relationship with someone that you are friends with.

    I know that these days it is considered normal, but I would prefer to teach my children how to cultivate platonic relationships, rather than allowing/encouraging them to seek out early sexual experiences.

    *Once again, everything in this post is MY opinion only - I fully respect other peoples views, I just wanted to present mine.

  6. #24
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    sunflowa :: my DH and I are going through this at the moment .. he's keep lying to me about looking at porn .. which leads to another dimension of this debate .. most men will hide the fact they have a porn stash .. in my experience this is ... the lies are an issue.

    I would not allow my 13 year old daughter to look at porn .. imagine what message it would send to my daughter to see how these women are treated .. it makes me feel sick rteally. and your 13 year old son may very well be learning that this is how they should be treated

  7. #25

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    Hi all,
    DH has since sat down and talked to DS about porn and it is now all in the open. His friend had sent him a pic on his mobile and DS has deleted it. Unfortunately porn is too readily available to teenagers via internet, mobiles etc and as much as we want to protect our children unless we talk openly to them about these topics our children will be receiving the wrong messages.
    Thanks to everyone for their replies.

    Regards,
    Dianne

  8. #26

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    Beckles - LOVE YOUR WORK!!!!!

    I am glad Dianne that you were able to discuss it. I agree completely that pornography of the explicit nature that is available to our young people via internet is incredibly distructive and not at all "normal".

    Women are beings with sexual, emotional and spiritual needs. We have curves and bumps and lopsided boobs and stretch marks.

    Women in many of these porn sites are portrayed to be the sexual pinnacle for men. They are real women who hone their bodies to look chiselled and perfect.

    Checking out the female form is totally natural and normal for 13 year old boys - masturbating, fantasising is too - hovering your mouse over an on line vulva is not.

    Unfortunately in recent times sexual addiction has become almost as common as addiction to alcohol and drugs. We cannot prime the early adolescent mind with fantasy about sex and more importanty about women and their bodies. However, we also cannot stop our children exercising their own free will. I think we can only state our opinion and why and live our lives in a way that emulates the values we would like our kids to hold... Tough one but I think you did well...

  9. #27

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    i know the feeling my soon to be 13 son got court with naked girls on his usb at school today and he got 2 day suspended
    sarah

  10. #28

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    Hi Sarah,
    Hopefully the suspension will have taught him a lesson. After DS's episode there has been no further problems. Peer pressure is a big thing also. Hope it all works out for you.

    Regards,
    Dianne

  11. #29

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    thanks he knows he has done wrong i just hope he understands it is not right

    sarahxxx

  12. #30

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    I havent got any experience with children as yet but ...

    I don't have a problem with porn I think every now and again it's quite healthy, having said that I was in a long term relationship with a person that was addicted to it. As a result there was lots of mis-trust and resentment that eventually led to our relationship falling apart.
    He would sit up on the computer for hours at night, so i banned it and then of course he would lie to me about it, he even chose porn over me once (that I know of).
    I think porn is ok in moderation but the conversation about unrealistic views and what is and isnt healthy is definately neccesary from early on. I would hate for any one else to have to go through what we did and lose an otherwise wonderful relationship because of it... although I'm sure it does happen.

    my 2c

  13. #31

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    Quote Originally Posted by beckles View Post
    Hi, I have a 13 yo boy too, i have to say i disagree with the porn being ok for adolescents. As a family we have a book on puberty from the family planning clinic and it such a great tool for the kid and parents. there is a section on porn in it i found fantastic. it discusses that porn can be addictive and that whilst growing into your skin and sexuality it doesn't allow for the normal and natural progression of sex. at 13 it is perfectly normal and should be that boys and girls begin becoming sexual - this is in the form of masturbation and discovering their bodies, then it proceeds into a relationship with another learning about the opposite sex (or same sex), flirting, dating and eventually becoming mature enough for a sexual relationship. It has the theary that porn tends to tilt this natural progression of sexuality out of whack and can be very harmful to the adult sexual being. Porn tends to be very one sided, eg the girl does anything the boy wants with the main goal of satisfying the man, as adult men & women, we all know this is certainly NOT the case but through the eyes of an adolescent, it can seem like it is. when adolescents watch alot of porn they may find it screws with their wiring, the sexual urge is in the 'old brain' so it is based alot on instinct.... see graphic naked picture/s, get horny, release. instead of using the 'new brain' and seeing a girl/boy they like, feeling flustered, building up the courage to talk to the girl/boy, flirting, entering a relationship, kissing, touching/getting horny, finding out what each like, trust, then entering into a sexual relationship. This 'marries' the old and new brain into a sexual being, still having the instinct but able to use communication to have a relationship with the other. i think porn is fine for the fully formed sexual adult but can be damaging to young minds. because we all read about it and then did some further reseach we decided that it was not a good idea for our boys to see porn at such an impressionable age. perhaps you could get the book and ask your guy to have a read of it.
    good luck
    beckles
    Yep I agree - there is nothing natural about porn, women are not like that in real life, sex is not like that in real life, bodies are not like that in real life - it is not realistic, it is addictive and it isn't something that anyone should be encouraged into especially teenage boys.
    Girls have such a lowered standard already, porn only gives boys permission for that standard to continue lowering.

  14. #32

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    i wouldnt have a clue! but i would want to know if my son was, i wonder if this mate of his who has the dvd, if his parents know, as after all it is illegal for children under 18 to watch and be in possession of those movies. i think i would bring it to their attention, but thats just me, good luck!

  15. #33

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    Quote Originally Posted by ausgirl View Post
    Yep I agree - there is nothing natural about porn, women are not like that in real life, sex is not like that in real life, bodies are not like that in real life - it is not realistic, it is addictive and it isn't something that anyone should be encouraged into especially teenage boys.
    Girls have such a lowered standard already, porn only gives boys permission for that standard to continue lowering.

    Ummm... A lot of my sex life was and is like a porno! lol
    Sorry for the TMI but I really think that is reaching...such a sweeping generalisation, based on not much obviously. I am sad that the pornography you have seen has been so threatening to your womanhood, or of such an unimpressive standard that you think it lowers women.
    There is a lot of pornography out there, everything from love tories to anime to fetish....None of it is the same and it varies as much as real life peoples sexual behaviour and preferences do. Not to mention the fact of course that women aren't in all pornography.
    It is a sad day indeed if a girl bases her worth on comparison to anyone else, not just a porn star. If she has that low a view of herself, then perhaps porn isn't the problem.
    Also curious as to how it is addictive...I have never known anyone afflicted with such a condition.

    sorry but I really think generalisations are the problem with how society sees sex and sex roles at the moment, and all it does is confuse people - especially teenagers
    .

  16. #34

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    such a sweeping generalisation, based on not much obviously
    Not sure how you can know what I base my opinions on...... clearly I am not alone in them, this page has alot of people who I agree with and viceversa - one person honestly admitted her husbands addiction another how the addiction lead to lies and hurt- so clearly people do get addicted. I've seen a number of docos about teenagers who began with innocent exploration and developed into addictions, sure it doesn;t happen to everyone, but it does happen.

    It is a sad day indeed if a girl bases her worth on comparison to anyone else, not just a porn star. If she has that low a view of herself, then perhaps porn isn't the problem.
    Perhaps it isn't, but it certainly doesn't help. Take notice of some of the young guys utes around the place, stickers of naked or half naked girls on their windows - then have a look at the teenage girls - it saddens me so much that gain their value from how much the boys like them - to get them to like them, sadly they conform to what is expected, their dress, their demeanour, their boundaries.

    Clearly we don't agree, but that's fine, everyone's entitled to an opinion.

  17. #35

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    Quote Originally Posted by LimeSlice View Post

    Also curious as to how it is addictive...I have never known anyone afflicted with such a condition.
    I mentioned earlier in the thread that my husband was (and still is, but I guess you could say he's 'in remission') addicted to porn. By that I mean he had it on his phone and computer, and would look at it every night. At times he preferred looking at porn to being with me. It got to the point where I didn't want to go to sleep, because I knew he'd wait til I was asleep and sneak off to the computer to his 'other woman'. It left him feeling guilty all the time, and me feeling unloved and frumpy.

    For months, I kept checking his phone and the browser history, as that was the only way I could find out if he'd been doing it. I still do it occassionally, because I still don't have much trust in him when it comes to porn. It's been over 8 months and I haven't found anything, so I'm hoping he's getting over it. But I seriously believe that if it wasn't for our religion's strict laws on divorcing, we wouldn't have made it through that time. It is so degrading to know that the man who promised to love and cherish you would prefer to look at some nameless woman on a screen than touch his own wife.

  18. #36

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    i guess we can at least agree on the fact its a touchy subject and must be tough to decide what to do when this happens and your child is exposed, afterall thats what this post was about, someone asking for some advice and i think thats what should be focused on,what i dont get though is ppl saying "oh its just natural" so is going to the toilet, but you dont want to watch that! i personally am old fashioned and like to think sex is an expression of love, even though sometimes even in a loving relationship its just for "jollies" and thats fine, I have needs too! but when a child is involved its different and i think you should do what u feel is best without being judged for your parenting skills, afterall no one is perfect and each child is different, once again i hope this doesnt stress you out too much and you work things out.

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