Struggling to cope

[Lovenhope]

I'm not sure if I should be posting here, in the TTC vent or in the boohoo thread.
I guess I chose to post here because I have summed up my emotions as being related to my loss. It is now the time of when I would have been due with my very much wanted lost pregnancy in May.
My bestfriend called me to tell me she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago and I guess the timing was bad. She called me on my mobile while I was in the middle of the shopping centre to tell me. I stayed strong to hide my pain and being in a public place didn't help. What hurt more than the fact that she was pregnant, was that she lied to me a few days earlier when I asked her if she was pregnant. The tears that she shed while telling me just felt like pity. I understand that people who have no difficulty in falling pregant or have had no loss truely cannot understand. But I really thought that someone I have confided in throughout my TTC journey would have more tact. Some of the comments she made included 'I don't know if I'm ready for this' 'I think I want my tubes tied after this pregnancy.' Seeing her since the call has been hard and I feel bad that I can't be overly excited for her. We were pregnant together the first time round and I gave her all the information she needed to know and was so excited I had a friend pregnant with me. This time things are different. I have been trying for 18mnths+ with one loss and my emotions are very fragile. (she wasn't trying at all)
And now all I can think about is; my baby that never got to be, my un-sympathetic friend, my body that is letting me down, & am struggling to stay positive about all the wonderful things in my life.

I would love some opinions. Are my reactions normal? Does this feel worse because it is the EDD for my loss? Does anyone have any advice on moving past this rough patch?

I am also having trouble talking about this with family & friends. I feel like I am constantly being strong and hiding my emotions. I don't want anyone to see my pain or have pity on me.

Thanks for reading. I think I needed a bit of a vent. Mods please move if i have posted in the wrong spot.

[CeCe]

Sandygirl.

Your reactions sound absolutely normal to me. The time of my EDD was really hard. I thought I was coping well and then it just hit me again, and I didn't have a friend announce their pregnancy like you. Perhaps she's just not sure how to approach it with you knowing you had a m/c and now she is pregnant, and is trying to protect you from more hurt by downplaying her joy with her comments??

I've been through phases of wanting to talk to just wanting to keep things to myself and try and sort through emotions on my own. All you can do is what is right for you at the time. I also struggle with talking to family sometimes too. It's hard enough figuring out how to deal with things or my own frustrations and disappointments let alone having to explain to people who haven't been there.

As for moving through, I think time will help and not being too hard on yourself also. What you are feeling is normal, and you need to let yourself grieve for your loss.

[Lovenhope]

Thanks CeCe. I really needed to hear that it's o.k. to feel like this. I have been so good up to now.

[lilmisshavachat]

I've not suffered a loss myself but have had friends start TTC after me and their bubs are here already.. I imagine it would be even harder having an EDD.. I am still surprised at the emotions that just fly out of me sometimes and how they vary in strength... I think how you are feeling is completely normal and you need to take time to acknowledge your hurt... And you're right.. People who haven't struggled to conceive have no concept of how it makes you feel.. I guess they often don't know how to approach us either... Take your time and don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't feel a certain way... Super dooper big .. Take care of yourself..

[Rach75]

totally normal I just passed my last EDD from my m/c in May I started TTC in nov 06 my mums group friends have now all gone on to have #2 well one is due in 4 weeks the other 4 have had their bubs they all started way after I did, I was jelous as well but they all understood and were really supportive in the way the told me they were pg and have all been great with the bubs being aroudn me etc, only one has made a comment that hurt and she apologised that night sayign she realised afterwards how bad it was ...

anyway

[Lovenhope]

Thanks Lilmiss and Rach for your kind words. I am definitely trying to go easy on myself. To make matters worse AF arrived today and DH got SA results back- not very good. I think I need a holiday.

[RenieJ]

I am hearing you on th friend thing! One of GFs has just started trying and she wants me to be her ear through it!! She again rnag today and I just can't talk about TTC with her it is too hard after 2 miscarriages. I think I am just nervous that she might concieve before me, OMG if she does I will be devastated!
So natural, feel how you fell hun XX

[AJC]

sandygirl - your reaction was completely normal and exactly how I would feel in the same situation. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and your pain. It's such a difficult journey. It took us 2 years and 2 m/c before we conceived a successful pg. Please believe that it will happen for you because I do. Some days will feel worse than others but you will gradually have more of the better days. I found the worst were anniversary type dates & special occasions such as birthdays, Mothers Day etc.

Sending you a million hugs and the very best wishes. Please please keep believing that you can do it tho, I know it's soooo hard sometimes but please do it. I actually became addicted to the Delta Goodrem song 'Believe Again' after my second m/c because I felt the same way you did, I'd lost faith/belief that I could do it but I knew I just had to keep on going & believing that it would happen. That song gave me hope & inspiration. It's weird that a song got me through it but it did, I hope you find strength to believe and keep on going because it is worth it.

[Rachel.B]

sandgirl,
i feel your pain and know just how you feel i had a m/c last year and just passed my EDD on the 19/2/09 which was a really hard day for and to make things worse my cat died that i had for 10 years.
I've been struggling ever since the m/c with my roller coaster of emotions and recently found out that my brother in laws gf was 3 months pregnant!! they bhad only been together 6 months and the pregnancy was not planned. i too founng out in a public at work but i was not that strong and burst into tears i was crushed and so jelous it was not fair. i avoided seeing them fopr 2 weeks i have now excepted it and am happy for them but at the same time im still disappointed that its not me. i felt so bad that i reacted that way and some people couldn't understand why i was so upset whch made me feel wose.
but as the others have said those who havn't experienced loss really cand begin to understand how we feel.its going to take time we will never forget the loss we have experienced and we are giong to have bad days and i think we deserve to have those days.
I hope that in time we will ll be rewarded with a beautiful baby that we can love and cherish.

[satya]

Perfectly normal.

Just remember it's very hard for anyone to announce a pregnancy to a person who's not having any luck in that department. It's hard for those who haven't had any issues & I think it's even harder for those who have had issues cos they know they can so easily say the wrong thing & cause upset. She hasn't intentionally said anything to upset you, but upset you she has. I had a terrible TTC & m/c history before having my son & I remember saying things that I regretted to someone in the same situation as you, the wrong thing can just pop out of your mouth and once it does there's no taking it back.

I found it really difficult to deal with others pregnancies & really only got over that when last pregnancy was quite advanced.

The anniversary of course makes it worse. AF is always going to make you more sensitive as well as it's a reminder that another month has gone by without success.

I can't offer much advice other than hang in there.