Hello to you all. I must say that I have been lurking in this forum for the past few weeks and wished that I didn't have to, but unfortunately I have joined this club of women who shares my pain. I thought it might help to vent my terrible news to people who truly know what I have gone through as others who have done so have truly helped me through this time.

Our story.........

We found out we were pregnant in September..so excited! We had been TTC for two long years and it was such a day. One of the moments in your life you share with your DH that are just the best! We saw the little heatbeat at 7 weeks and we couldn't believe how lucky we were. Finally good news!! Then on the day of my 11 week check-up I had a small amount of bleeding went to the OB where he did an u/s to find a baby with no heart beat and that it had probably died between 9&10 weeks. We were gutted. I then had the terrible choice to wait and see if the baby would pass on its own or a D&C, I chose the D&C and had it done that night at the hospital. It all happened so quickly, that morning I was pregnant and so excited about my check-up & that night I was mourning my baby. It was the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. I cried and cried until there were no more tears left in me. My poor DH was absolutely wonderful and without him I don't know where I would have been.

I didn't sleep for about a week and a half, I could hardly eat as I felt sick and I had not an ounce of energy. This wasn't me, I am normally and extremely happy person, but grief (and it IS GRIEF) really effects you in every way. My mum was wonderful, she told me it was a BABY and I had every right to grieve, my poor sister didn't know what to say but she was there for me but bein heavily pregnant herself made things hit home to her. We had told our parents and a few close friends in the early stages and so I then had to tell them the bad news. They were really good and supportive. I described it to them that I was grieving, it was like someone in your immediate family had died, but you were the only person that knew them, so other people couldn't understand what you were feeling and I think that helped them understand my feelings.

I went to my Natropath about 8 days after it happened and she was probably my saviour as I had a massage and some relaxation therapy which really helped me start to look ahead. She helped me say good-bye to my little and look to the future. It was pretty hard at the time, but it really, really helped. From there I really started to improve and gradually my tears and worries slowed. I really did for a while there think I was losing it though and perhaps I was slipping into a dark depression but I started to try and look at the positives and this truly helps. 1. we got pg & 2. We stayed pg a lot longer than our last m/c & 3. DH & I have become closer & stronger as a couple.

We went to my OB two weeks later for a f/up appt and he said to us that it was probably a chromosonal abnomality that caused it which is about 50% cause of all m/c's. That helped as I didn't blame myself, but I did wonder if maybe I did something wrong or there was something wrong with my body which caused it. But it wasn't, it was just that there was something wrong with our little one and he chose to go rather than perhaps letting us have a harder decision to make down the track.

I was really worried about TTC again, but as I was diagnosed with hyperprolactinaemia in June 08 and was on medication it only really took us 3 mths and we were pregnant, so getting pg is not my biggest worry anymore. My big worry now is my next pgnancy and the anxiety that will come along for the ride, especially the first 11-12wks. For us I don't think it will be exciting, sure I want it to happen again soon and we have decided to TTC again, as AF arrived this week, but it will be such a long wait that I pray we get a :sticky: one next time. I am sure we will, because like all of you on this forum, we all truly deserve it. But as we all have learnt, life is cruel to us sometimes and we just have to deal with it the best we know how.

So here we go again, down the road of unknown, when we get our next chance, no one knows, but I pray it is soon and we get a little forever baby to hold in our arms and love because we have so much of it to give.

Sorry for the long post, but we all must never give up hope

Thank-you all for listening and I hope to perhaps stay around and get to know some of you better. Love to all TTC and those already on their baby journey.

Polly