Hi girls,

I just spoke with my specialist and am not feeling any better. He said now it is probably worthwhile doing all the tests (before he said no point, as it is probably just bad luck). Anyway, since I have had most done anyway, there are not too many more to do, but most are tests I really didn't want to go through. Since I have already started the cycle tracking, that is all we will do this month. He said we can keep trying this month if we want, but I see little point, as they just don't seem to make it. He thinks we still have a 75% chance of having a healthy baby, but I just can't see it happening. He suspects it is likely to be a hormonal thing which will become apparent after this cycle and can hopefully be treated. If that's not it, or doesn't stop it from happening, then I will have to have an endometrial biopsy and hysto-something (sounded awful), and that is all they can do.

I am now officially living my worst nightmare. I can't stop crying (at work) and can see no future anymore.

To make things worse, I think a good friend of mine is pg with her third. She has had trouble conceiving and has been trying for a while, and has been the best support through all this, but now I don't know what to do. We see them all the time - she is the only person IRL I talk to about this stuff and I don't know what to do now - how do I see her all the time when she is pg? She hasn't even told me yet, but I know. She probably doesn't know how to tell me. I don't feel like I have any support now, as she won't know what to say around me and every time I see her it will just remind me of what I have lost.

Why am I going through this? How is it ever going to work out for us? It just gets worse and worse.

SP - I hear you on thinking that your body kills babies, I am convinced mine does. You know that is not true - one m/c is very common and will probably not happen again. I am also absolutely terrified to be pg again, but it is all that I want. I just don't know how to move on from this - there isn't even any point in continuing to try anymore. I hope you have a good holiday.

Sorry for being such a downer and a selfish post, I am just not feeling v good at all atm. I am going away tomorrow so won't be online again til next week. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

PS - I don't even know if I belong here anymore.