Dee - so sorry that you didn't get your BFP this time around. You do sound so very positive and part of that is the new confidence that you and DH have with dealing with his family - well done! I hope one of your little embies will be your earth angel soon
Teagz - what an amazing strength you have to deal with all those celebrations with children and pregnancies around you. I only hope that one day I can be half as strong as you! And congrats on finding the wedding dress - can't wait to see the photos. I had to have mine altered to allow for my exploding boobs - the zip had to be removed and it was replaced with a panel and a lace up back. Our celebrant suggested a Wine Ceremony as part of our marriage as both of us are wine buffs (not that I have had a drink for ages now!). It was nice to personalise the service for us and it sounds like the Warming of the Rings will be lovely.
Beata - thanks for the healing energy thoughts. They must have worked because my cold hasn't gotten any worse - it's just hanging around being a little bit annoying and making me quite tired still. I hope your painting is going well - I think you will deserve a full body massage when you're finished to deal with those aching neck and shoulder muscles I always seem to get when I paint!
to Berry, Tildy, Nae, Sue, ALM, DD and everyone else!
AFM - I had coffee with my boss yesterday to discuss how and when I would come back to work. The meeting didn't start off too well as I ended up in tears after his first question, which wasn't meant to be hurtful, it was just a simple question about whether DH and I had had a chance to get away for a break. This made me think back to our honeymoon and how happy we were with no idea of the heartbreaking time we were about to encounter. I simply can't talk about those things with people, not because they were not happy times, but because it reminds me of my baby and how I miss him so much. I still find visiting places where I was when I was pregnant makes me feel the same way, and some days I can't deal with it and have to leave and other times I get through it, just. My GP has written me a Dr's certificate which essentially says I can come back to work at my own pace over the next 6 weeks. She is happy to review that if I am still not up to full time working by the end of the 6 weeks. I am very worried about how I will be mixing it with my work colleagues, who I know only have my best interests at heart. I am sure they will ask me questions which I am not ready/able and may never be ready to talk about. And I am dreading the trite comments of "don't worry, you can always have another one" or "it was for the best". I have heard these from my own mother so why would I expect that well intentioned colleagues wouldn't say the same things? I guess I will have to work out my own way of dealing with these comments before they happen - I need to be prepared. Anyway, enough rambling from me.
I was so thrilled to see that we welcome Kaitlyn and Benjamin into this fabulous world. Congratulations Mum's and Dad's - I was reading your smiles in your posts.
Shez67 - welcome (sadly) but yes, this place is amazing and is full of awesome women who know more than ever how difficult trying is after a loss of any kind - be it late or early. Thank you for checking in on me, that is very sweet
Nae, and Di, I hope you are getting on ok, DIANA, Atake it easy woman. Put those feet up and enjoy some you time.
AFM - really really really over the MS now. Seriously, going a little insane. All I do is sit inside and move from the lounge to the bedroom. Its seriously driving me insane. Sorry, again, I won't complain. Hopefull it will end at 14 weeks (with Grace it went till 16 but I choose to be optimistic).
I'm a bit like Nae and feel bad about popping in about my preg stories. Especially since I am semi-complaining coz of the sickies. (Please know I am really not). With my story, I have had two losses - one at 14 weeks and the other at 23 due to what docs believed to be an incompetent cervix - that is still being investigated however. Anyway, we tried for six months afterwards and finally we fell pregnant again. Its still only early days and we'll just enjoy each day as it comes but hopefully it reminds you girls that one cycle, just when you think its gonna be just one ol line again, that second little line appears and it knocks you for six. I really hope this month is your month.
Chez, I just wanted to wish you heaps of love. I just properly read your story and feel every part of what you are going through. I really am so very loss for both you and your partner's loss. It is such a difficult time and its a very lonely feeling. You know I have lost a few friends over my experience with Grace - because I felt a lot of them treated it as "just a miscarriage". But I held my beautiful daughter in my arms for thirty minutes before she passed away peacefully, I even heard her beautiful little cry. And the fact that some of my friends were thoughtless enough to suggest I go dancing only 3 months later blew me away. So if ever you are feeling like you have to keep it together for everyone else, I say bugger them. You look after you and your partner.
My husband and I got married in Europe and then we came home and tried for Grace. We were successful after just one month of trying but now, like you, whenever I see our amazing photos of our beautiful adventures together, I always think "we had no idea what sadness we would endure only a few months after our return". So I understand what you are feeling. I'm sorry that your TTC journey has taken such a long time - your loss must have been amplified.I know for DH and I, if this doesn't happen for us (fingers crossed it does), we believe we can't go through this again. Not for at least a couple of years. So we're thinking about foster parenting and possibly adoption, again, only if pumpkin is taken from us.
Lots of hugs to you Chez, you're a strong person, just like the other strong women in this forum.
Love Joselyn/Jasmine (Jos s my forum name - Jas is my real name). xxx
Thank you so much for your post. It brought tears to my eyes reading about holding your beautiful little Grace in your arms and hearing her cry. We never got to hear Ryan or see the colour of his eyes. God, how can life be this cruel? I am continuing to take each day as it comes, carefully and with respect for my and DH's feelings at the time. Some days are good and I feel like I am getting a bit stronger. My psych says I am doing very well, but I don't really know. How can anyone ever recover from this depth of grief and sorrow? Reading the stories from the other lovely women here at BB makes it all a little easier, and their support as always is invaluable. It is my lifeline each day, checking and reading but not always having the strength to post as writing the words sometimes amplifies my pain which I am still struggling with. Now that most of the physical effects of the birth and D&C have gone, I am trying to look forward to AF arriving (it even looks weird when I type this!) so that I can regain some control over TTC again. We want to start again straight away but until I know what my body is doing, that's hard.
Anyway, thanks again Jas and I wish you a very H&H pg. I hope that we will be comparing MS stories very soon!
Cherylxx
Hey Jas - come and join me in the Nov 1-15 group I think we are 1 day apart!!!
Chez - I understand where you are coming from - my BGF pushed so hard for us to go to her wedding 27 days after Nikita died we ende up going I and I really wished I had have stayed home. Peoples thoughtlessness over what happens cn be overwhelming. You never "get over" the depth of the sorrow of a loss BUT the hard days do eventually get fewer and futher between but there will always be little reminders - thats just something people in our situation will always face regardless. This time last year I was having sporatic contractions but had no idea of the events that would unfold. Being pregnant again really homes in everything that I have been through and I feel myself weakening emotionally every day that we draw closer to Nikita's first birthday and angelversary.
You are not alone and I promise that eventually the hard days will get further apart then they are now, the ache will stay in your heart always but hopefully you will one day look back on these events and smile for the time you did have with your little angel. Thats the most precious memory you will carry in your heart.
just popping in to say hi and offer my support to all the TTCers and the newly pregnant.
We had Edward's birthday yesterday. It was a nice day just the three of us, we went out for lunch to a nearby village and looked for a nice box to put all his things in. We found some lovely ones but they ran into the thousands, so we settled for a nice rustic one for $95 that Alec can do up himself. We picked up his plaque to put under his tree in the garden and laid some flowers there. It was raining and getting dark by the time we did this, it felt very apt. Henry was so good during it, just looking up at me making his funny faces, it was almost as if he sensed the solemness of the occasion.
Anyway, I just wanted to add that the really bad days do get fewer and further between. Maybe the memories will become less painful. Having another baby doesn't change how you feel about your angel, but it does bring so much joy into your life.
Chez hun, just wanted to give you a huge The girls are right. The bad days get few and far between as time goes on. I feel especially greatful for having Jayvan, even though I don't have him physically with me and he was only with us for 4 and a half very short months, I can't express how special he feels to DF and I. I guess what I'm trying to say is as the saddness, not so much "wears off", but you get used to having it there and it turns into a big achy ball of love (as corny as that sounds!) and you realise that YOU are special to, because you never really realise that you could feel unconditional love in such a way.
As for comments people say. Some people say the most stupid things, and others will act as though you were never away from work - I'm not entirely sure which is more painful. When I returned I had a collegue compare birthing Jayvan to when she had a difficult time passing the placenta after having her son, who is now 10 years old.
It helps to remember that many many people have never experienced this sort of pain and they don't understand it at all, on any level, regardless of how hard they try. They just don't get it, and it's really not their fault for some of the things they say. Alot of people assume that losing a baby wouldn't be that heart breaking, because hey, we can just have another. Replace them. But if a grandparent, or mum or dad or a sibling died, could you replace them? No way!
So as hard as it is please remember that and try not to dwell on what people say.
And strength smength. The hole in my heart has sort of seared over around the edges a little, It's been 5 months for me and only 1 for you, yours is still very very raw. You will get there, I promise! Don't be so hard on yourself, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Jos, I got a bit of a tear when I read you got to heard Grace's little voice too. How truely precious, it must have been such a beautiful sound xx
to Berry, Tildy, Nae, Sue, ALM, DD and everyone else!
We never got to hear Ryan or see the colour of his eyes. God, how can life be this cruel? I am continuing to take each day as it comes, carefully and with respect for my and DH's feelings at the time. Some days are good and I feel like I am getting a bit stronger. My psych says I am doing very well, but I don't really know. How can anyone ever recover from this depth of grief and sorrow? Reading the stories from the other lovely women here at BB makes it all a little easier, and their support as always is invaluable. It is my lifeline each day, checking and reading but not always having the strength to post as writing the words sometimes amplifies my pain which I am still struggling with. Now that most of the physical effects of the birth and D&C have gone, I am trying to look forward to AF arriving (it even looks weird when I type this!) so that I can regain some control over TTC again. We want to start again straight away but until I know what my body is doing, that's hard.
Bookmarks