Trying to Conceive after Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth ~ March 09

[Chez67]

Hi Joselyn

Thank you so much for your post. It brought tears to my eyes reading about holding your beautiful little Grace in your arms and hearing her cry. We never got to hear Ryan or see the colour of his eyes. God, how can life be this cruel? I am continuing to take each day as it comes, carefully and with respect for my and DH's feelings at the time. Some days are good and I feel like I am getting a bit stronger. My psych says I am doing very well, but I don't really know. How can anyone ever recover from this depth of grief and sorrow? Reading the stories from the other lovely women here at BB makes it all a little easier, and their support as always is invaluable. It is my lifeline each day, checking and reading but not always having the strength to post as writing the words sometimes amplifies my pain which I am still struggling with. Now that most of the physical effects of the birth and D&C have gone, I am trying to look forward to AF arriving (it even looks weird when I type this!) so that I can regain some control over TTC again. We want to start again straight away but until I know what my body is doing, that's hard.

Anyway, thanks again Jas and I wish you a very H&H pg. I hope that we will be comparing MS stories very soon!
Cherylxx

[NaeNae]

Hey Jas - come and join me in the Nov 1-15 group I think we are 1 day apart!!!

Chez - I understand where you are coming from - my BGF pushed so hard for us to go to her wedding 27 days after Nikita died we ende up going I and I really wished I had have stayed home. Peoples thoughtlessness over what happens cn be overwhelming. You never "get over" the depth of the sorrow of a loss BUT the hard days do eventually get fewer and futher between but there will always be little reminders - thats just something people in our situation will always face regardless. This time last year I was having sporatic contractions but had no idea of the events that would unfold. Being pregnant again really homes in everything that I have been through and I feel myself weakening emotionally every day that we draw closer to Nikita's first birthday and angelversary.
You are not alone and I promise that eventually the hard days will get further apart then they are now, the ache will stay in your heart always but hopefully you will one day look back on these events and smile for the time you did have with your little angel. Thats the most precious memory you will carry in your heart.

[Rozzie27]

Hi ladies,

just popping in to say hi and offer my support to all the TTCers and the newly pregnant.

We had Edward's birthday yesterday. It was a nice day just the three of us, we went out for lunch to a nearby village and looked for a nice box to put all his things in. We found some lovely ones but they ran into the thousands, so we settled for a nice rustic one for $95 that Alec can do up himself. We picked up his plaque to put under his tree in the garden and laid some flowers there. It was raining and getting dark by the time we did this, it felt very apt. Henry was so good during it, just looking up at me making his funny faces, it was almost as if he sensed the solemness of the occasion.

Anyway, I just wanted to add that the really bad days do get fewer and further between. Maybe the memories will become less painful. Having another baby doesn't change how you feel about your angel, but it does bring so much joy into your life.

I wish you lots of BFPs in here very soon!

Love Rozzie

[helle]

Chez hun, just wanted to give you a huge The girls are right. The bad days get few and far between as time goes on. I feel especially greatful for having Jayvan, even though I don't have him physically with me and he was only with us for 4 and a half very short months, I can't express how special he feels to DF and I. I guess what I'm trying to say is as the saddness, not so much "wears off", but you get used to having it there and it turns into a big achy ball of love (as corny as that sounds!) and you realise that YOU are special to, because you never really realise that you could feel unconditional love in such a way.
As for comments people say. Some people say the most stupid things, and others will act as though you were never away from work - I'm not entirely sure which is more painful. When I returned I had a collegue compare birthing Jayvan to when she had a difficult time passing the placenta after having her son, who is now 10 years old.
It helps to remember that many many people have never experienced this sort of pain and they don't understand it at all, on any level, regardless of how hard they try. They just don't get it, and it's really not their fault for some of the things they say. Alot of people assume that losing a baby wouldn't be that heart breaking, because hey, we can just have another. Replace them. But if a grandparent, or mum or dad or a sibling died, could you replace them? No way!
So as hard as it is please remember that and try not to dwell on what people say.
And strength smength. The hole in my heart has sort of seared over around the edges a little, It's been 5 months for me and only 1 for you, yours is still very very raw. You will get there, I promise! Don't be so hard on yourself, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Jos, I got a bit of a tear when I read you got to heard Grace's little voice too. How truely precious, it must have been such a beautiful sound xx

[Berry1]

Rozzie, what a lovely way to honour Edward. I can appreciate that while another child will never replace the lost one, it must bring you a lot of joy to have your little bub in your arms. I am really pleased for you. Thank you for still thinking of us and for your well wishes. Fingers crossed for a BFP soon.

Cheryl, you poor thing, I really feel for you. Those first few weeks / months are just awful. Like the other girls said, you will still get your moments, but it does get easier as time goes on. It sounds like you are able to ease back into work, which will be good. It can be quite stressful just anticipating people's questions sometimes, before anyone has even said anything. My situation was a bit different in that because I knew there was a problem at 12-wks, DH and I decided not to tell anyone so I went through the pain in silence in a way, which has been hard in other ways. A couple of people at work know, but not many. In the end I decided to tell people close to me, so they would understand why I wasn't myself. A councillor at the hospital advised me to go back slowly, even have a coffee with a few close co-workers first so that it is easier to go back to work when you do go into the office. Are there people at work that you are closer to that you could chat to? Another idea given to me was to write an email to say how your doing and feeling (you can be as transparent as you wish to be), perhaps that would help with the 'stupid questions'? Also, I can understand you wanting AF to arrive. Have your dr's said you can start ttc straight away, if you wish to?

Dee, enjoy your weekend with your parents, it sounds like just what you need right now.

Jas /Nae, how nice that your EDD's are only 1 day apart. I hope the morning sickness settles down for you both soon and that your pg kept progressing well.

Diana, I hope you are well. Give your tummy a little rub for us

Lan, thinking of you hun. I think you need to give yourself a few nice girly things this month

Teagz, you are so mature for your age hun. I must say that I do like your funny little comments and sayings though, I feel like they help me 'keep in touch'. I hope your feeling better. We'll be in May before you know it and you'll be on your holiday and then ttc!

Beata, I hope you are finished all of that painting you poor women

AFM, in the TWW at the moment. I've been reading about 'the optimum' way to conceive, the best 'positions' and all of that, and I'm like, isn't this stressful enough as it is, really. I'm now doubting that I'll conceive this month, because I didn't 'do' things the 'best way'. What do you guys think about all of this, is there any truth to it, or is it just over complicating things unneccesarily? Praying so hard for a January baby

[Chez67]

Hi everyone

Berry, Teagz & NaeNae - words cannot express my gratefulness for all of the support, strength and wisdom that you have provided me. It is sad that we are in this situation, but I DO feel like I am a stronger and better person because of it. It certainly does make you re-evaluate what is important in our lives doesn't it?

To everyone else, a big and I hope you are all doing something special for yourselves.

AFM we have had a pretty busy weekend so far but today should be a bit quieter. We went out a few times yesterday which included putting fresh flowers on Ryan's grave as we do every Saturday morning. It was a little sad because there was a new baby buried next to him - now he has Adam and Oscar for angel baby friends to play with. Afterwards DH convinced me to go out for lunch followed by a movie afterwards. It was a long movie (2.5 hours) so I was distracted for quite a while. It was a nice day in all.

Today we splurged and went out for breakfast and now DH is busy trying to plan more of our overseas trip. I say splurged because we now have to buckle down into massive saving mode - having just paid for a wedding and honeymoon, and the medical bills rolling in, we really need to watch out spending so we have some cash when we go away in early August. I can't believe how close it is already. I still haven't worked out what we will do on Ryan's EDD which will happen while we are overseas, most likely in France somewhere. I am thinking that we might let some balloons go, or find a small church somewhere to place some flowers for him (although neither of us is particularly religious so I am not sure how DH would feel about that). Maybe I will see something/somewhere that would be a nice spot for some flowers?

Anyway, I have more domestics to do. Take care all.
Cherylxx

[Chez67]

Hi Berry

Cheryl, your dr's said you can start ttc straight away, if you wish to?

My ob has said we should start trying again ASAP after my AF arrives so that they can be assured of a date just in case I do fall pg first time around. She suggested we use some form of birth control until that happens. But both DH and I agreed that after being told for more than 3 years that we are infertile, there was no way were going to use birth control. If it happened, it happened and the doctor's would just have to deal with it. With latest statistics saying that 50% of pregnancies in Australia are unplanned and most women who are not TTC often do not know/remember when their last cycle was anyway, the doctors must come across this all of the time. Besides, HCG levels can indicate the approx age of a baby. Sorry - rambling again. Anyway, we are throwing caution to the wind and just trying to resume a normal physical part of our relationship, come what may! Having said that, I sometimes wonder if I am pg again as my BBs have been sore on and for a week now and I seem to be getting very tired (and grumpy!) very early in the day and my appetite is crazy! But I think it's just my body playing tricks on me...

Good luck with your TWW. I too have been trying to work out what we did differently last November and as much as part of me thinks that a perfect re-creation of the events prior to ovulation will give us a better chance of a BFP, the logical part of me says that 1) we can never do a perfect re-creation and 2) there was nothing really special we did that cycle - in fact we had only BD'ed twice because of our busy travel schedules so when I did the POAS test I didn't think we had any chance at all!

Anyway, what I am trying to say is don't beat yourself up about not using the 'right positions', after all you should be having fun too. All of the FS say that regular loving sex is the best way of making a baby, so enjoy yourself!

xx

[Miss.B]

Hi Girls,

Teagz, I'm not sure when Jayvan's EDD is, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending you massive hugs hun. I hope the day is as gentle and peaceful to you as possible

Dee, I pray that you get that BFP soon hun, I wish you all the very best in TTC. I know it's a very bumpy road, but I know it will be well worth it in the end

Cheryl, I had about 7 weeks off work after I lost Joshua, and often during those weeks I wondered if I would go back at all. One of my best friends who I work with told me recently that she didn't think I would come back. I almost didn't.
I don't know what it was but I really struggled to face up to everyone at work. I have been there for 15 years, and know everyone well. At the time, I guess I felt that I not only let myself down, but them as well. My psychologist didn't think I was ready to go back after 7 weeks, but I was starting to get a bit bored, so I went back. It was really hard, but after a few days I was OK. Take all the time you need, and go back when you're ready. I want to also wish you all the very best in TTC, I hope you get your miracle very soon

Rozzie, I'm glad you've had a nice day on Edward's first birthday. I know it would have been very emotional for you

Megan, I pray there is a little bubbie for you at the end of your 2WW, I'm sending you loads of sticky vibes and baby dust hun

To all our mummas in waiting, all the best with your pg and please remember to take it easy everyone .

To all our new mummas, I hope all is going well with your beautiful bubs

Well, AFM, I feel I need to take some time off BB for a while. For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling quite emotional and going back over a lot of things when I was pg with Joshua. I've just completed his little album by adding a few photos of when I was pg with him, it is now complete.

I will still check up on all of you, but not sure if I'll have the energy to post. I will be however, eagerly watching out for those beautiful and exciting BFP! Teagz, Megan, Lan, Cheryl, Dee I'm praying for all of you girls, sending you all the stickiest baby vibes I can muster!!!

I will let you know when my transfer is in June, keep your fingers and toes crossed for me girls.

Love always
Beata xxx