Syran,
We have no definitive answer to Alex's death. The doctors have advised that the most likely cause was a placental abruption. A few other small things were found but nothing as significant as the abruption - they said that they can't really say if it was the cause or a consequence of Alex's death. I wasn't sure if it was good to have an answer or not - I guess it doesn't change anything in the end.
My Obstetrician said that the next pregnancy she would recommend that I either have an artificial rupture of membranes at 38 weeks or be taken through for a caesarean at this time. Would love to have a natural birth but will do anything for a healthy baby and if that means surgery at 38 weeks - so be it. We'll decide as we go.
I see that you are seeing a naturopath - I was considering this myself. How have you found it?
Rozzie - I'm looking for any tips to stop the crying too. I start back at Uni next week and have to face so many people that I haven't seen yet. At the moment, I cry at the drop of a hat. I was bawling buying cat food the other day - the check-out woman didn't know what to do. So if you find a cure, please let me know.
hi everyone!
internet decided to pack it in last night and this morning, right when i needed it the most! I had a severe paranoid moment basically lasting from yesterday to today as i felt as though our babys movements had really decreased and i spent about 3 hours laying awake sometime early this morning waiting (impatiently) for movement. This bubs has done some heavy duty acrobatic work since 15 weeks and so to suddenly be waiting for movement scared me. So i rang the hospital i am booked in at and spoke to a midwife who went on to say that feeling movement at 15 weeks is very unusual as it does'nt normally happen until 20 wks and i was saying this is my 4th pregnancy, i think i know what is movement by now. So i had to rexplain my history, therefore explaining my huge distress and paranoia and got off the phone feeling like an idiot. (how is it people still make me feel this way for being honest about my feelings?????) So then i got a call from her later and she asked if i had any movements and i said no and she went through the list of reasons why and said to drink the most sugary coldest drink i could find to see if that stimulated anything and to come in if i needed reassurance. So i finished work and still felt awful and paranoid so rang and said i was coming in to hear the heartbeat. I get to the maternity ward (delivery suites section no less -how nice for me at that moment!)and the midwife puts the thing on my belly searching for a heartbeat, there is one and she says that shgould make you feel happier for now until your ultrasound and i was back to feeling like an idiot! So basically i won't be happy until i see bubs moving around on screen on wednesday, i am so hard to please! But i still have'nt got any explanation for the reason why movements have gone from every 2 or so hours (awake time) to now almost nothing. On top of it all, i am getting sicker by the minute, i don't think the stress helped as my throat is about to collapse if i try to speak anymore! phew!
and now for you guys!
Welcome to sue and danek. i am really sorry to hear of both your losses, it is such a horrible thing for nay of us to go through and small amounts of healing happen each day even though i can speak for myself and say that i will never recover fully. i completely understand the no one speaking about our babies thing. I get the word miscarriage all the time for my son jack, who i delivered at 17wks, 5 days. He is constantly described as a miscarriage (which medically he was) which i hate as i delivered him and got the chance to hold him, so for me he passed away. My dhs family don't speak of it and i still get uncomfortable silences if i bring up his name. Taking the "plunge" to TTC is huge and it happened quickly for us which although it was wanted still caught me off guard as my body was a mess or irregular bleeding and cycles. I fell pregnant on my 3rd cycle. do what feels rihgt, we thought we would not use anything to prevent a pregnancy and my body would allow it to happen when it was mentally and physically ready. So good luck, to you both.
Katie - take care too! Seems you are as run down with sickness as me! i've been the same, i have'nt taken any time off but really should of and thats why i have got worse. As for your earleir post re: finishing upin sept, i too am dreaming of finishing although i don't have a date yet. It sounds nice tho, huh?!? And sept is'nt that far away!!!!!!
will have to finish the rest of the personals later, my DH is calling for me to come up to bed!
take care everyone! Sorry for the essay!
x jo
Danek - very sorry to read about the passing of your baby Alex. As Jo said, it is a terrible thing for anyone to experience. I find that pregnancy loss is not talked about a great deal and therefore people never know what to say. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve. I hope you find comfort and support here, I know it has helped me a great deal both immediately after losing Nathaniel, during TTC and throughout this pregnancy.
Rozzie - I understand your fear of returning to work. I work on my own but I shared an office with other people (who do not work for the same company) and I dreaded returning. It took me many weeks to get myself back there. I also had a fear of going into the coffee shop as they knew I was preg - I eventually did and they inevitably asked when I was due and I started crying. I am not the type to cry in public, but it happened and I actually felt better for it. Don't put too much pressure on yourself - if you cry than so be it. People will then understand how much the loss of Edward has affected your life. I don't think any of us get enough credit for the strength and bravery it takes to 're-enter' the world after we lose our babies.
Jo - you poor thing. And if it makes you feel better, I have been freaking out the last couple of days as well. I have started to think I was not feeling enough movement (we mirror each other). I have been feeling so good since our last scan, and now the old fears are creeping back in. I think being sick probably doesn't help, as we already feel low. Plus I have been so sad since the passing of Mel's baby Joshua. I am really looking forward to Tuesday when I have a scan - it has been 2 weeks and I am now needing it. So don't let any midwife make you feel stupid. She doesn't understand your fears and how much you love and cherish this baby. And yes feeling sick - and I am over it. I am getting cabin fever from being at home so much. DH has gone over to a friend's today and for some reason I got upset about it. Poor guy does so much for me and then I want to make him stay home with a bed-bound woman!
So that is it from me - hope you all have lovely weekends.
Jo and Katie -- always glad to see an update about your babies. I understand that you're paying attention to every movement and everything that seems out of the ordinary. Our midwife told us when we met up with her after the M/C that we can pop up any time we want next time, just show up outside her door and ask to hear the heartbeat. I hope we manage to get her again next time we are pregnant.
Danek - I'm so sorry to hear about your losing Alex. I have also had a long period where I can cry at just about anything. I think the only thing that helped was, in fact, to cry. I cried a lot at work, but after a while that made it so that I could be at work WITHOUT crying. It sort of left my system for just that place and situation. Every time I meet a friend that I haven't seen since before the M/C, I cry, but then next time I see them I'm okay. I cried every time I saw my pregnant friend until I talked to her about how it hurt a lot for me to see her; but then I was able to meet her without crying. It seems, in other words, that admitting and showing my sadness and letting out a good cry is what helps.
Sue - welcome (though it's bittersweet to welcome someone into this group!) -- I was struck by your story; there are a lot of people who seem to find out about losing their baby when they go in for a regular scan and suddenly find that something is wrong. My situation was different, and I have a hard time imagining going in to the hospital with those sort of giddy, hopeful feelings and then leaving with a terrible shock. Please let us know how it goes with the FET.
Hammi and hgirs - I think it sounds like a good idea that you're planning something special around your EDDs. I think I'm going to try to adopt that idea as well. I very much hope that I'm pregnant again by then, because I think I will just collapse and cry if I'm not... I shouldn't get my hopes up too much I suppose.
Rozzie - it sounds like you hae a good doctor now. Focus on that; it's hopeful to have an explanation and a game plan. I'm also concerned that I'm not ovulating, as my temperature isn't going up at all even though that good CM has come and gone! And I'm worried that I'm not ovulating because I'm worrying too much -- a vicious cycle!
Otherwise things are okay with me. I've actually gone almost a week without crying, and have had moments where I actually think about something else. I'm disappointed with myself for how I've been eating, as I've been slowly gaining weight since the M/C and that's not going to make the TTC any easier. But today is a new day, and I've had a healthy breakfast and am planning on going for a walk and trying to relax and thinking egg-popping thoughts.
Wow, you guys have been busy. I love coming in here and seeing lots of posts to read.
Welcome Danek and Sues. My heartfelt and very empathetic condolences for the loss of your boys. Life is so bittersweet, in one day I read about Mel1977's second angel baby and also found out that one of my Belly Buddies delivered a healthy baby girl. Even when I myself was in hospital delivering my dear little Hamish, I heard another woman bellowing through her labour. But hers ended with her baby crying. Ours ended with DH and I crying over our lifeless little baby's body.
Jo, I hope Wednesday comes flying through for you so that you can be reassured by your baby's bouncy dance.
When is your next scan Katie? Take care of yourself, you sound like you're very run down.
Danek, I don't think I've actually ovulated since giving birth in April even though I've been through two cycles. I'm just leaving my body to work itself out. I'm reading a book by Francesca Naish called something like Natural Way to Better Babies and she really recommends avoiding unnatural contraceptives in the four months prior to TTC. I'm also seeing a naturopath, homeopath and acupuncturist!!! I'm not sure if they're doing anything for me physcially but mentally they're helping me feel proactive and gives me a timeframe for working through my feelings before TTC again.
Rozzie, I didn't realise that you were in the military. It must be so tough on you to have to put on a brave face for everyone else.
Tildy, congrats on your 'new day'. Take care of yourself, remember you need a healthy body to make that healthy sibling for your angel baby.
I wanted to mention that I've finally started writing a blog after lots of insistence from my husband. If anyone is interested in either reading it or seeing a pretty picture of me it's at The Pessimist's Cookbook.
Hi everyone, just a quick post before I have to go to work, then on to vacation!
I'm in the TWW. I really hope this time it's a pregnancy--a healthy one.
So I explained to my FS why I didn't want to go on the $700-per-month stimming meds. They were okay with it (like they have a choice, but you know what I mean). Clomid is enough for me.
Warm welcome to Danek and Sues, you have found a wonderful support amongst these ladies here. Katie and Jo glad to hear our updates hope you are starting to feel better, I watch so happily to see those tickers creeping along! Aswell as feel all your anxieties with you. I had an appointment with my GP the other day, just to go over things again, as I know and trust her so much, she is a fantastic DR. Happily left her office feeling more confident in our plans for next time. Speaking of next time.... I am SOOOO over this cycle already!!! I am on day 19 and have charted & temped for a few years but have also been using Fertility Friend this time. The problem is FF says I ovulated on day 13 (WOW, never done that in my life!), but I don't believe it as nothing else is really adding up, sure I had a couple of higher temps, but no clear thermal shift AND to top off my anxiety, my DS has kindly kept me up from 2am in the morning for the last 2 days, so I can't really see if there is a shift or not!!! This does my head in. UGHH....
Anyway enough grumbling, I guess it means if I haven't Ov'd there is still a chance this cycle (YAY). I am with you Tildy I would love to be pregnant again before Cooper's EDD, but we are running out of time.
Went to see Mamma Mia last night, it was a great laugh, went with a friend and MIL. It was good to get out and have some fun and for a while not think about pregnancy, babies, TTC and the sadness.
hey guys!
i will post this in both the ttc and preg forums as i am really at a loss as how or what to feel right now and i guess i am reaching out for ANYTHING that may put my mind at ease.
I went for my 19 week ultrasound today and all seemed to be going well and then i just got that sinking feeling that there was something but i just put it down to more of my paranoia, esp after this weekend re: movements etc. He spent a LONG time looking at the blood flow parts, much longer than i can remember ion any ultrasound with my kids before and then he asked me to clean myself up and sit up and he said that he had not noticed the baby moving much at all (same for me) and there was a heartbeat which was a start and he was going to speak to someone higher and show them the pictures from my scan. next thing another radiologist comes in and asks if he can look and says they have concerns re: a atery and the heartbeat showed up different in 2 measurememnts of it and they said it was looking a little fast (which is what they said at my 17 week ultrasound) By this stage i am a mess and he said he could see little movement now but not much but there was still the heartbeat. he asked about my previous loss and said that bubs is measuring about 5 days behind which is'nt necessarily a concern but they want me to go for a 10 min walk and then see if the baby has moved so they can get a closer look at the heart from the top. So i do that come back and the baby has moved around and the original guy said the heart was looking fine and when i asked what atery they were talking about he said it was something to do with having just 2 in the umblical cord and not 3 which can be a problem if there was only one kidney but this baby has 2. He said based on my last loss at this time the "markers" were a concern whereas in someone who had'nt had a loss may not be seen that way. He said a loss at 18 weeks was abnormal and he rang my OB who was'nt in his office and said they would make my results a priority and my OBs office should have them in 40 mins. So i am now waiting to hear from my Ob and the sonographer at the hospital has said they have noted that i should be referred onto a sonographer who deals with pregnancy only and therefore more expertise but ultimately it is up to the care of my OB and me to make the decision. So...what do we make of everythign and what the hell does a fast heartbeat mean?????????? Or only 2 ateries?
I cannot go through this again and just don't know what to do right now.
give me anything you have guys, i need all advice i can get.
x jo
Jo
I am so sorry I don't have any information for you, I am just crossing everything that it will all be OK. My heart is pounding in my chest for you, hopefully your OB will contact you ASAP.
to you both.
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