Theresa, you're always in my thoughts, I'm sending you massive cyber hugs
Laney, I'm so sorry for what should have been a festive family gathering ( although hard for you, I can imagine with your brother's baby there ) over the Christmas holidays. What a sad way to spend Christams day, I'm sorry hun. I think sometimes some family members ( especially my mum in my case ) expect us to be 'over' our losses too soon, and that really hurts. My mum and I said some hurtful things to each other over the last couple of months, and although I know she still thinks the way she did at the begining, we have agreed to disagree and I told her once again 'you haven't lost a baby, I have, so I don't expect you to understand'. We are better now, but sadly we don't talk about Joshua as often now, and that hurts.
Sometimes we can't count on our families to know what to do, or say what we would like them to say, but I put it down to them not being in our shoes and therefore not understaning what we're going through. We are the ones that have lost our precious angels, our dreams. Sending you big hugs hon
Sue, that must be so exciting to feel your baby move, that's one thing that I could never get my head around when I was pregnant and one of my close girlfriends told me about how she used to see little feet/hands poking through the skin !!! Take care hun, fingers crossed for a stress free, easy labour in May and a healthy bub
Tildy, thanks for your very kind thoughts. I know what you're saying about your mum....don't get me started !
Girls ( for those who are still finding it really hard to deal with their loss ) I'm reading a book called Layla's Story by Vanessa Gorman about a woman who loses her daughter hours after birth. Very powerful and honest book ( too honest sometimes ! ), but it's such a beautiful book that as I'm reading it, I always have a tear running down my cheek ( without even realising it ). Highly recommend it, it deals with issues such as other people not knowing how to deal with our loss. I have nodded to so many things while reading this book ( I haven't finished it yet ) I can really relate to it on so many levels.
so many sad stories on here at the moment... I can't say it was the same for me, as I simply wasn't brave enough to face the whole family this Christmas. They're all great, but my brother and sister both have little kids and I just couldn't deal with it. So we were at hom for the first time and my parents came down. It was nice and low-key.
Laney, that is just so horrible... I don't mean to be rude but I would be so angry at your family if I were you, that's incredibly hurtful. I think you're very brave for going at all. Personally, during this pregnancy I have deliberately ignored everyone else's needs but DH's and mine, I don't make an effort with my family (except my parents) as it's too painful hearing about their babies and they can just wait until the baby's born because for me, my emotional state while the baby's depending on me is the most important thing. My family has been good about it so far (even though most of them don't know about the pregnancy), I hope that you can put yourself first and not allow them to make you feel guilty for your entirely understandable and justified feelings. You can always repair relationships when everyone's calmed down, has some perspective and you're feeling up to it.
For all the other ladies who had difficult days on Christmas, my hat goes off to you for being so brave. I feel the same way about letting go of 2008 but also looking forward to 2009, it is such a bittersweet feeling. It's made especially worse as everyone else's memories fade and they expect you to be 'over it' or getting better, when our memories don't seem to fade at all. I even get the feeling that DH is 'moving on' when I don't know if I'll ever feel that way... learn to live with it maybe, but never move on.
Oh my gosh Laney - what a terrible xmas for you! I don't blame you for heading back home and really feel for you that your family seem incapable of understanding how tough it is for you. It is especially more hurtful I guess when it is your family hurting you.
I am sorry to hear that a few of you had a rough xmas. Mine wasn't that bad really - I think being here in hospital helped to filter out a lot of reality. I even managed to ignore the happy santa that was doing the room to room having photos with the new babies...
I have moved rooms again, hopefully for the final time until I either head home or to Westmead and it is a lot nicer now. I am quite far from the nursery (yay) and the room is much bigger. Aah the little things that make me happy now! ha ha
10 days to go till our next u/s. Not that I am counting or anything
Syran - its funny how people keep saying stuff about "oh wait till you are getting kicked in the ribs" blah blah. I DON'T CARE!!! She can kick me, give me stretchmarks, haemorrhoids (sp?), whatever - as long as she arrives healthy. I am sure most of us feel that way hey? And yeah, maybe at the end we will all be over it and complaining about those things, but for now bring it on I say!
Although I could do without her kicking my cervix - it freaks me out
I have been away from the computer during the festive season and this is my first peek since the 23rd or something. What a ****ty time of year it is for all of us. So may tears over the last few days but thankfully I have DS who was so excited about xmas that it was a healthy distraction for all of us. I asked DH as we lay in bed on xmas night how he had felt during the day and he said at one point he was swimming in the pool and as he came up he hear a voice call out 'daddy'. Our son wasn't with him so it wasn't him. He said he just knew it was our little girl and he felt like his heart would explode. He made a lovely toast at lunchtime expressing gratitude for having our son with us and rememberance of the fact we don't have our daughter. It was very emotional but in a good way because everyone was sensitive enough to share in our mixed emotions. unlike a lot of you we are blessed with really supportive family who for the most part miss our little girl almost as much as we do.
On another note I have been wanting to share an experience I had just before xmas. I went to see a psychic. I have been thinking about it for awhile and finally did it. It was quite amazing. She was so spot on with what she said and picked up on some really specific stuff without any input from me at all. I wasn't a skeptic or anything but I am a pretty suspicious person by nature. I wont' bore you all with the details but she did ask me at one point how many children I had because up until this point she had only mentioned my son. I wasn't sure how to answer and just as I said 1 she said I can see a little girl who keeps popping up. I explained that my daughter had died earlier in the year and she was adamant that it wasn't Charlie but another girl. She said the baby was linked to September 2009 either a BFP or a birth. If it is a birth then I can be expecting a BFP sometime in the next month!! She was adamant that the pregnancy would go fine and I wouldn't have any trouble.
She also has the ability to channel spirits but she said the rules of her gift don't allow her to channel babies under 18mths - 2years. I was a bit disappointed but she said my Grandma had popped in to say that a baby was being sent to me with an enormous amount of love and that Charlie would be one of this babies guides and this baby was meant for great things.
I don't know how much of it to believe but I guess as I am feeling so nervous about being PG again it was nice to get some reassurance. Even if it is a bit trippy.
Has anyone else had any psychic experiences since losing their babies. I would be really interested to hear about them.
Anyway, sorry for no personals but hugs to you all for braving the storm that is xmas and what a year 2009 is going to be. Remember, we're not leaving anyone behind (me speaking as troop leader in the trenches... I think I even have an american accent and there is some dramatic music playing in the background!!!)
Oh Laney, sorry if this is too forward but what your sister said was just awful and very hurtful I am so sorry you had to leave early and that this Xmas ended on a sour note with your family. I just can't believe nobody understands how fragile we all are - we didn't break the heel on our favourite pair of shoes for God's sake, we lost babies!
Theresa, I'm glad you're feeling a little stronger today and you're right, this time is hell - worse than hell actually.
Tildy, glad your Xmas went well.
Sue, glad the BD went smoothly! Bet your DH is the happiest man on earth right now How exciting getting all those kicks. It must be so wonderfully reassuring.
Lan, sounds like you had a rough day also. Are you close to testing?
Rozzie, good for you for doing what you and DH want. I wish I had the courage to do the same. I have really learnt alot about my family since losing Sebastian - they are cowards.
Beata, how nice of your DFs SIL to ask how you were, sometimes it's the people you least expect. Sorry you have been having issues with your mum. I hope you can get your relationship back on track and that she learns to respect your feelings. Thanks for the tip on the book, I will try and find it.
Hi Jo. Glad you had an ok day and are in a nice room now. Hold on nice and tight cervix!
Paula, what a wonderful toast DH made, especially to include your little girl. He is a gem. I am so very pleased your family is supportive and doesn't shy away from talking about Charlie. Your clairvoyant visit sounds very promising! Here is to a BFP for you next month!!
Hope everyone else is doing ok.
Girls, I am certain the new year will welcome healthy and happy babies for our pg ladies, and BFPs for all of us TTC. Again, I am so very sorry to all of you that have suffered over the Xmas period. It's nearly over.......
Humph! Yes, while on holidays with my family DH and I found ourselves to be the default babysitters for my brother and sister's children. Just by the fact that we don't have any of our own to occupy ourselves with, and we're kind of fun (well, DH is, I was being a cow), the kids just stuck around us and their parents knicked off whenever they could. Boooo hissss!
But you're right Beata, 2008 wasn't all bad. We did all get to be mothers even if we had to learn the hardest feeling that can come with it.
My new year resolution is to TRY to not impose my feelings on everyone else, accept that no one will feel Hamish's loss the way I do (except you guys), and to open my heart to love another child.
I am now CD25. My BBs are kind of swelling and feel heavier. I remember with Hamish I noticed they got more veiny before I tested so of course I've been peering hard at them to see if there are veins. There aren't really but they do feel heavy. A sign? A sign? Hee.
Laney, I forgot to wish you happy birthday. 27 is my favourite age. My birthday wish for you is to simply be able to bring an earth baby home.
yay for sore BB's Lan (he he). Can't you get one of those early tests. Oooooh how exciting. I can't wait to hear about your BfP.
I announced to DH that I am 2 days PG today... AF arrived 2 days ago so even though I have not conceived yet I am already counting how many days PG I am!!! Does that make me a freak. I'm pretty sure it does, but its probably not the first symptom of freakyness I've had so not a real worry I guess. I figured I would follow the 'fake it till you make it' strategy!!
How exciting getting all those kicks. It must be so wonderfully reassuring.
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