I'm home, after managing to build myself up to super-stress levels in the meantime. I think I was just too scared of something happening while we were away or, worse, on an airplane, and he fact that I have this new bleeding and cramping that isn't stopping made that fear worse. Now that I'm home it feels much, much more calm. It was just the worst-case-scenario thinking and the deja vu of coming home from a plane ride and miscarrying less than 24 hours later that made me panicky. By the time we were landing over Stockholm I was even getting faint and out-of-breath over the turbulance and the pilot's overly-agressive landing angle. There was such a dip that the whole plane went "Whoa!" when their stomachs ended up in their throats. When we got home, I refused to let DH keep the bedroom door open for the cats. He thought I was mean because they had missed us and were scratching at the bedroom door, but it was 2 am, I was exhausted, and I know that girl cat has a tendency to pee in our bed to show how upset she is about being kept inside for a week -- something she did the night we got home from London at 3am, right before the miscarriage. I refused out of superstition to let that happen again!
Anyway, I see my grief counselor today and the doctor on Friday. I'm sure it is just a hematoma again, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I've already beaten the good odds by having a hematoma two pregnancies in a row and having it push off the placenta last time instead of resolving, so I can't take their insistence that it's just a tiny little nothing that won't cause any problems.
Okay, I hope you can take me seriously as I switch modes from *****y into personals...
I'm really happy to hear about your good scan, Sue! I realize it doesn't feel real yet, but you have at least gotten a very strong boost.
Jo -- I can't imagine having to make a phone call to ask about my baby's ashes. So many details of what many of you have been through are so much more trying than most people would imagine. I will have you in mind tomorrow and hope for the best of possible outcomes of your meetings with the docs.
Katie -- How are things going for your mom? I'm sure you've said, but what kind of treatment schedule does she have and has it started yet? I hope you're spending some great time together and getting some good acrobatic shows from Big Bubs.
Helen -- how's the first scary/exciting/unreal weeks going?
Cindee -- good to hear from you, but sorry to hear you've got sick kids to handle. I hope that I "outgrow" this complicated pregnancy bullcrap before I'm pregnant with my second child, because it must be hard to care for the big ones while trying to grow a little one!
Paula -- I don't think it's morbid at all that you take our Charlie's ashes. I have a little charm bracelet with hearts on it; one for me, one for DH, one for Beiron, and a new one I bought last week to add on for the new bubs. I wear it as much as possible and I fiddle with it when I'm nervous or scared or worried without even really realizing. It feels good to have something physical to hold on to when thinking about Charlie, that makes perfect sense.
Lan -- How are things going with your pre-conception counseling? There's been so many ladies in here getting knocked up that I worry we're forgetting the TTC.
Rozzie -- glad to hear that things are going well for you. Have your symptoms disppeared as much as mine? I'd kind of rather be hanging my head over the toilet actually, but someday in the future I'm sure I'll feel lucky for not having all the "normal" symptoms. :P
Hope I didn't miss anyone. I think it's time for a nap!
Sue... wooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo, congrats on an awesome milestone. I just walked in the door from a function and rushed straight to the computer to find out how you went today. I have been thinking about you all afternoon. How exciting to see such a glorious and strong heartbeat. Lets hope you have another at 12 weeks and every appointment after that until you hold that beautiful bub in your arms.
Tildy... glad you are home safe and sounding much more relaxed. Here's hoping you get good news Friday that it is just the heamotoma. What a nightmare run you've had.
Jo... thinking of you tomorrow. Re the death certificate, we were told if you have a birth certificate you have to have a death certificate. I'm sure if you call birth deaths and marriages there would be one there. I'm a bit hazy on the details but I think I recall them asking if we wanted a copy and that it was going to cost $30, I guess if we didn't then it would just sit in the registry. A bit like if you need a copy of your birth certificate, you call up and they send it out but you have to pay for it. Anyway, let us know how you get on. As hard as it will be to open it, I am kind of hoping it will give me some kind of closure, if there is such a thing when you lose a child!
hello to everyone else, helen have you got lovely strong bfp now??
hey guys!
sue -so happy to log on and see such wonderful news, it really has given my morning a little lift and HAS helped my frame of mind before the start of a very trying day!!!
For the rest of you i'll be back later! I have been calling out to the kids to get up but they are'nt budging! the one morning i can't be late!!!!
have a good one guys!
x jo
Hi Jo - I hope today goes smoothly and you get some answers to your questions. I know it will be tough and exhausting, so take care.
Sue - so happy to read about your excellent scan results. Very excited for you!!!
Hi to all - will be back later. And yes I hope the TTC ladies aren't feeling left out. So good luck and loads of baby dust to you all.
Also to the preg ladies, I think it is about time some of you ventured over to the Preg thread...a couple of the lovely ladies over there encouraged me to do it so I am going to do the same with you. Have no fear though, as you can stay here as well!
Hi girls
I just needed to get in here and hide for a moment! I have just seen a newborn at the shops, couldn't have been more than 2wks old, and I lost it. I haven't done that in public since the stupid chemist asked me why I needed sleeping tablets a week after Cooper was born. I felt so stupid that everyone was watching me with my head in my hands trying to hide it, I just wanted to scream at them all why I was so upset!! It has really shaken me up, still teary now. Wow, I thought this horrible gut wrenching feeling had gone and I was just left with nicer memories of the time I had with him.
I am glad you girls are here, I am feeling very alone right at this point, I even ran into a friend after this incident, I had this little voice screaming inside me saying 'lean on her, she is always there', but I held it together and just chatted like nothing just happened.
Helen - you can lean on us. It must have been awful to feel yourself lose control like that but also a very natural reaction to seeing a new born baby. It is something that we all struggle with and unfortunately there does not seem to be any way to controlling when and how our grief will rear its head. I am also not good at opening up to friends and usually reserve my tears for when I am alone or with DH - and then they flow. I had a big cry last week sitting at the dining table and then once it was over I kept on going. Cooper will always be with you and it is normal to miss him terribly. Have you been to the GP for a blood test yet? Just remember that you have this new little soul growing inside you, and they will bring you enormous amounts of love and comfort.
hi everyone!
will try and write quick as i have to leave mums and take josh to the hairdressers, so if it is filled with mistakes then forgive me!
In short - we have no new news! Nothing showed up but i have been referred to the Head of Obstetrics at monash now and will be seeing him in 2 weeks on the 16th. Apparently he will talk in length about my choices going forward and the OB today said that if i stayed in some care under them they would do all they could from before preg to try and help us have a baby. They have ruled out chromosomal abnormalities, any blood clotting stuff and basically all those big things that we have spoken about have been ruled out. He spoke alot about genetics and broke it down for me into "dumbspeak" but in a respectful way so i could undertstand the medical terminology of it all. He was wonderful about the frustration of it all and i think that was esp good for me aqnd my emotions.
have to go now cos i am gonna run late!
will be later! just wanted to fill you all in a little!
hgirs - i know what it is like - remember i was like that a few days ago with the preggie belly! it is normal but heartbreaking at the same time! I hate that we feel like we have to be straight faced when dealing with others! sending you soooooo many hugs! take care!
x jo
hey -
what is more frustrating and heartbreaking? getting no answers from today or going into email now i am home and seeing an email come through with "my pregnancy -30 week" update from baby centre! i have to figure out how to cancel!
Tildy - you poor thing!!!! Hoping all is ok and will be thinking of you on Friday. I am sure all is OK and its just another bleed to make you feel unsure.
Jo - you must be so frustrated in not being able to get any definate answers. Does it mean that when you get pregnant next, you need to be monitored very closely or be in hospital the whole time???
Helen - We are here for you..... it is very understandable that you have all these emotions and sometimes we just want to shut ourselves away, so nothing can upset our feelings. You also could be feeling a little bit more hormonal because you are pregnant and your levels are probably all over the place. Have you seen your Dr yet about a blood test????
Hello to Paula, Cindee, Katiegirl, Lan and Rozzie - hoping everything is going well for you all.
Well with me, I am still on cloud 9 and hoping that it doesnt get taken away from me. Went shopping today and even had a little peak at some baby stuff, but it is way too early for that yet. I am going to buy a nice baby present when I get past the 12 week mark.
Helen, I agree with Sue, emotional outbursts are a big part of being pregnant. Even without being pregnant you would have every right to get upset about seeing a newborn bub. I held a friends baby over the weekend (4mo) and it was a little girl. Part of me wanted to cry and part of me tried to just enjoy the beauty of it. It was very hard and emotional but I just try and embrace my emotions whenever they come up and see them as part of maintaining a connection with Charlie. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you have hormones going crazy and probably a whole range of emotions about being pregnant again that may take awhile for you to sort through. Just be kind to yourself.
Jo, I don't know what to say about your results (or lack of). At least it sounds like they are taking your desire to have another baby seriously (not like that delightful friend who told you to give up and be grateful for what you have!). You may know more after you meet with the specialist in a couple of weeks. Its so awful because we want answers so that we can have more certainty 'next time round' but there doesn't seem to be many cases where they can tell us exactly what happens.
Just know you have good friends here who love you and know what you're going through.
Thanks everyone, you have made me feel a bit better this afternoon, and in answer to the question, No I haven't been for blood tests yet! I am going on Monday, I really want to see MYDr,so she is back on Monday. It still feels very unreal at the moment, by now I had MS and more symptoms, all I have is slightest sore BBs and tiredness. I can't get excited about it at the moment, I keep waiting for something horrible to happen. I am sure I will feel better next wk after I get some results back, I might even push for an early ultrasound around 7 wks. I need to shake this negativity, it really isn't me!
Jo - I hate not having answers, it brings out the control freak in me! They sound really positive for your next pregnancy though. Maybe next appt might shed some more light.
katie - Whats with the connotation of 'and they will bring you enormous amounts of love and comfort.', I have had a little funny feeling about twins, and this is about the 3rd time lately it has come up! I know you didn't mean anything it was just one of those things that leaped of the page at me
YAY Sue! Such fantastic news. What does a baby look like at 8wks? Still beany?
Helen, poor you! A secret - I have an internal melt-down every time my brother or sister say something about their kids. I know they're proud and of course I'm happy for them but the mean streak in me screams "What about my baby???"
Tildy, you are super zen for getting yourself back to being rational and calm. I'd be climbing walls by now. Can't wait for your good news tomorrow. And I don't feel left out at all. I'm happily riding on the wave of BFPs in here. It's very reassuring.
Jo, that sucks big time that they gave you no answers. So frustrating. I hope the big Ob man you're going to see gives you something - more tests, medication or something. They can't just leave you to chance again.
Jo, I'm sorry you don't have any answers I take it they never found any answers with Jack either? You poor thing, your confidence has been shattered and I suppose all of us who have been through this hope there is a simple cause that can easily be remedied, but it rarely seem to turn out that way. It's good though that you will see the best doctors around, there's not much more you can do right now. If you don't want to get pregnant straight away you'd better not do BD or stay off this forum, because pregnancy seems contagious in here!!! I'm sure when you're ready we can infect you quickly enough
Helen, we all go through those moments. At work today it was mentioned twice that a person I needed to speak to was on leave because his wife had a baby ( I would have thought he was pushing 50??!!) and it just threw me. Not much you can do I guess, rub your belly perhaps?!
Sue wonderful news!!! you did so well waiting till after 8 weeks to see your peanut too!!! Not much more I can say but I'm so thrilled for you
Tildy, thinking of you as you go to the doctor tomorrow. I hope your bleeding and cramping stops soon
Hi Lan and Paula and anyone else I've missed.
Well after mulling over the decision I decided to buy a doppler, which arrived today. I decided that it would be good reassurance until I felt movement, and if the worst were to happen again I would rather confirm it at home in my own time and not stress out waiting for an appointment. I tried to get it to work, which it didn't, so I rang the very unhelpful guy at the company who told me to try a different battery, which I didn't have, so rang DH to pick one up on the way home. When I took the battery out it was still wrapped, felt very foolish, and of course it worked after that. Found the baby's HB fairly easily which is great cause it was the cheapest I could get. DH loved hearing it too, we counted it at about 150 bpm. Was lots of fun! Must put it away now!!! feel like celebrating, maybe dinner and a movie. The eve of a long weekend always puts me in a good mood!!!
wow Rozzie, I have been wondering if you can get the dopplers to have at home. Was it very expensive. Maybe we could all buy one and get a group discount!! Here I am getting all paranoid and I'm not even going to be ttc until Dec with Lan. The thought that I could have that reassurance has made me feel a whole lot better. Ahhhh I remember the days when pregnancy used to be such a pleasant carefree experience. Oh well, i didn't have cool chicky babes like you guys to share it with back then so there are some ups to being a complete paranoid freak!!!
Hi all thank you for all the well wishes. It has been quite an exciting ride so far.
Lan the bubs at 8 weeks is still tiny, but you can see everything. I could see it moving and had little arms and legs. I was quite surprised how much I could see.
Rozzie I thought of getting a doppler machine, but was thinking that maybe I was being too fanantic about it all and what happens if I cant find the heartbeat and the baby has moved etc. It scares me.
Where did you get it from??
xxx Sue xxx
Last edited by sryan; October 2nd, 2008 at 08:43 PM.
Paula, I got the doppler online, it was $70 but with taxes (separate for some reason? Annoying!), postage, plus the gel it was about $95 all up. This one works from 12 weeks. There are others that work earlier that are a bit more expensive. They are sometimes cheaper on Ebay too, there are usually a few. You can rent them but they're like $40 per month, more expensive by far!
Sue, I felt that way too but in the end decided to go ahead. But if you think it would just cause you more worry than not then you're probably better without it.
Also bought some lovely maternity clothes on Ebay, have been having a lovely time online!!!
Just thought I would pop in to say hello. I have been feeling very positive as of late and being able to get some things off my chest has helped immensly!!!!
Sryan I am so glad to hear that your scan went well, you have overcome a big hurdle both physically and mentally. YAY! You give me hope
Thanks to who ever gave me the hint about editing my signiture, still havn't worked how to add the little animated icons, it won't let me??
I have my meeting at Repromed next week re the results of my biopsy, super excited to see what the Dr has to say. I should be able to test next weekend so send all your positive vibes my way! lol
Cheers Lanie
P.S thanks for being so welcoming, I'm sure i'll get to know all of you and your stories soon
I take it they never found any answers with Jack either? You poor thing, your confidence has been shattered and I suppose all of us who have been through this hope there is a simple cause that can easily be remedied, but it rarely seem to turn out that way. It's good though that you will see the best doctors around, there's not much more you can do right now. If you don't want to get pregnant straight away you'd better not do BD or stay off this forum, because pregnancy seems contagious in here!!! I'm sure when you're ready we can infect you quickly enough 
wonderful news!!! you did so well waiting till after 8 weeks to see your peanut too!!! Not much more I can say but I'm so thrilled for you 
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