Hi girls! I've been quiet for a few days because I've been up in Stockholm for work again and haven't had a second over to check my own email or anything. I've worked 10 hours a day for 3 days and the nights have been kind of rough -- I'm getting into the same sort of sweaty insomnia phase as when I was pregnant with Beiron. Don't worry, I've got an appointment with the boss tomorrow to say that this work load can't go on! But it's pretty cool to feel like I'm actually capable enough in order to work for that long -- it wasn't that long ago I was doing waaaaay more surfing than working and sneaking out early...
When I read what you wrote, Jo, about having your arms around me the next few weeks, I teared up. It was just such a sweet thing to say. And that I come back after being gone a few days and see that Helen and everyone is asking after me... it means a lot to me!
Jo, AF is definitely very tough. It was the week or more in either direction of both AFs after Beiron that I was barely functional. I greatly admire the strength that we see in you here. I just hope that you're not being "too strong" if you know what I mean! *hug*
Helen, did your docs say anything about IC? I've thought and read a lot about it since it always comes up on pages about late miscarriage, but it always says that it's "painless." Mine was so far from painless (and the sac was intact when it came out) that I feel comfortable ruling that one out.
I'm glad to hear that things are still tip-top for you, Katie. Out of curiosity, do you know how the healthcare system in Australia handles possible hereditary breast cancer? That is, in the states I was always told that I should start having mammograms at 25 instead of the usual 40 because my mom had breast cancer. But I moved here to Sweden at 24 and don't know up from down about how they handle it here. I believe they might actually test me to see if I have the gene. Send your mom our love!
Laney -- like I said in the preg thread, it's so unfair to have to go through the two late losses you did and then get smacked with a "it could happen to anyone" chemical pregnancy. I wish you just could have had a break, because you're due for one.
Hammi -- mini congrats on selling your apartment then. It's still a while left then till your pre-conception counseling. Are you anxious?
I'm going to have to cut this short and whizz through the rest of my surfing so I can get to bed. I can't believe I have to go to work tomorrow! After these three days my body reeeeeally thinks I should get to sleep in tomorrow! Hugs to the people I missed -- Paula, Sue, hope you guys are doing well!
hi girls!
well the last couple of days have consisted of me stepping about 1000 paces back in where my emotional state has been at. tuesday felt like i was having a meltdown - spent most of the day in tears. Even today at work had to fight them back at times and we had head office in! I have been trying to find 2 urns that would nice for Jack and Madisons ashes but just can't find some that are "perfect" for what i want! well, i have found perfect -they are in the states and can't seem to get a reply email back!
anyway -
katie -so glad your mum is getting looked after! How did it feel when they told you the head was engaging....they are wonderful words and such a great start of things to come............as for my friend not telling his wife about Madison, i do agree. I have avoided parties because i know she will be there but i can't avoid them forever and we do have one coming up that she may be at so it puts me in a bad place kinda. I would rather be emotional in front of her and she know why than be emotional and her be confused. unfotuneately what has happened to my babies is a reality and i am not the only one to have to deal with it so, i guess he has made his choice. just makes it hard.
tildy - so great to hear from you. I am glad you were talking to your boss about that workload -please be careful. I hope they were understanding! You need to relax sometime! and your statement about me being too strong - i am seeing my MIL this weekend for emilys birthday and am dreading it. It will be my first time seeing her since i lost Madison and i hope she does'nt upset me too much! She will ask questions and push the boundries but i am just hoping to have a good party for em. I think being too "strong" has been my problem and that has lead to me being a wreck this week.
hgirs -take care and double check things that you feel are not right from the past. you can only ask!! hope your followup went ok!
to everyone else -hello!!!
x jo
Jo: take it easy this weekend, don't let MIL get you down. You have been through so much and have every right to have a complete meltdown whenever you want. Just be kind to yourself and take time out when you need to.
Helen: I look forward to hearing your results, PG symptoms are such a catch 22 aren't they. You don't really want to have MS but when you do it is kind of reassuring. Hopefully your good news keeps coming!
Tildy: TAKE IT EASY! I don't wanna have to do any more skinny white ass whooping. You know I will if I have to!!
Just a quick update from me... I started my new job this week and I am absolutely stuffed. Clearly after 7 weeks holiday I have no match fitness and with so much new info to take in I am finding it incredibly draining. Anyway, off to Byron for a weekend of pampering to recover, I laughed when we booked this weekend about needing it after my first week of work but now it has actually turned out to be more true than funny.
Btw, 2 girls in my practise group are due in December. One is my boss and she knows what happened with me. She has been trying to have a second baby for 12 years (her daughter is 14) and has suffered several miscarriages and serious endometriosis, I think has even gone through ivf. Because I know what she has been through and because of how understanding she has been with me I genuininely feel happy for her. It might change in Dec when she has the bub but i was relieved to not walk into the office and burst into tears!!
Anyway, I am off to lie down on the couch and watch scooby doo with DS (with my eyes closed!!)
Paula - well done on returning to work and I can imagine it must be exhausting. Take your time and try not to stress about seeing the babies in Dec. I am always finding that the things I fear most after Nathaniel often end up being the ones I deal with best. Enjoy your weekend in Byron - so jealous!
Jo - I don't think it is fair of this man to ask your DH and you to 'pretend' you did not lose Madison. I hate when people make assumptions about what we can handle after a loss. If you see her at this party and you get upset and she asks why - just tell her. She will be able to handle it. He never asked you directly not to say anything and I think it is unfair of him to expect it of you. And yes I think sometimes by trying to stay strong it then comes and bites you occasionally. Just ride out the grief and let the tears flow. I also hope all goes well with your MIL and she is compassionate and understanding.
Tildy - take care and don't overdo it at work. I am glad that you will be talking to your boss about not working such long hours. Also in regards to breast cancer, I believe that my sisters and I will now have to start having regular mammograms. The strange thing is that as far as my mother is aware there is not history of breast cancer in the family - so it is a bit left field.
Helen - looking forward to hearing about your preg results. And don't worry about lack of symptoms - I had zero this time (and I desperately wanted every nasty one). My ob told me that symptoms are a very poor indicator of a healthy pregnancy. So just keep that in mind if you start to worry.
Hi to all, Lan, Laney, etc. I am having a complete mental blank. We need to do a list of all our names so I can save it and check back on it to ensure htat I don't forget to say hello to everyone. Sorry if I have not mentioned you by name!!!
Hi Ladies,
I just wanted to let you know that I got an unexpected BFP today. My DH and I were told to not get pregnant this month because of the loss last month. My AF was a couple of days late so I took a test and sure enough. I am really scared to death, can't stop crying.
Laney - I am lost for words! I want to say congratulations but I know that you must be very nervous and scared. I will say a prayer today that this little one is a fighter and has the strength to stay with you for 9 months. Will you go to the dr to have the pregnancy confirmed?
Sorry I havent been around for a while. Been flat out at work after my week leave, so by the end of day I am exhausted and just crash.
Everything is fine with me, went and saw GP yesterday, she is closely watching my thyroid levels this time (never has before) and I have bloods every two weeks. I have had to increase my dosage once already and close to a second time.
Going to my first Ob appointment on 21/10. Looking forward to it. Hopefully HB still there.....
We also discussed the amount of metformin I am taking (taking 3000mg which is quite high). Anyway she said to maybe start reducing a tablet per week to 1500 mg as I said I wasnt going to go cold turkey....
She is of the opinion that 1500 mg she is quite happy for me to stay on for the whole pregnancy, but I am sure the Ob will have a different view .
I think I will go with my gut feeling on this one.....
Tildy - please look after yourself. I was so glad to read that you are going to speak to your boss as you need to say something. How is the bleeding going???
Lan - Congratulations on selling the apartment. Is it official yet???
Jo - I read your post with tears in my eyes. Take your time with the Urns, I think it is most important that you pick the perfect ones for your angels.
Paula - You poor thing being so busy. But I am also jealous of you going to Byron. Enjoy and rest up. I understand what you are saying about babies being born in December. My angel was meant to be in November and I know a couple of girls who are due in this month. I am not sure how I am going to handle it, but I think it helps a little that I am pregnant at this stage.
Helen - I am waiting with baited breath from your results...... for a good result.
Laney - I have to say congraulations and I am so nervous for you. But I will be hoping all will be OK and this little bubs is a toughie......
Katiegirl - How are you feeling??? Getting too big to get around.. he he he. Is bubs still kicking you heaps???? Not long now girl, I can't wait...
Laney, the BFP's are a bit contagious in here at the moment. We should have warned you. I know how you must be feeling but hopefully your body knows what its doing and that this little bub is meant to be. I will cross everything for you and hope its a sticky one!
Jo, I just wanted to let you know that I have given up (or perhaps put aside is a better word) trying to find a nice urn for Charlie's ashes. Like you I want something absolutely perfect and it was starting to feel so forced and I couldn't believe how much it was stressing me out that I couldn't find anything. So I just decided to leave it and trust that at some point in the future when the time is right I will stumble across the perfect thing and will just know its right. I actually said a prayer to her and asked her to help me find what she wanted when she felt it was the right time. I know that sounds a bit weird but I talk to her a lot and definitely feel like I get certain feelings or signs when she's around.
Sue, make sure you don't get too busy with work and take plenty of rest time. Hopefully you'll sort out all your thyroid and metformin stuff, it certainly is an added worry that you could really do without isn't it.
Katie, sooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!
bugger, DS just came in and wants brekky... hi to everyone else and chat again soon!
Laney, congrats!! Paula is right, BFPs ARE contagious in here. It's wonderful!!
Sue, almost 10 weeks, you're so close to the 2nd trimester!! With the medication you should do whatever you're most comfortable with.
Helen, I hope you can get some really reassuring results soon. As soon as you do, you'[ll probably start feeling terrible with the MS.
Lan, has your sale gone through for sure yet?
Katie, wishing you luck as you count down the days, how exciting!
Jo, it's natural for you to go through down times. You're doing well to be at work and going to parties at all so take whatever time you need and don't worry about other people's feelings, you need to put yourself and your family first.
As for me, I've had a horrible week with a pounding headache that I can't get rid of. I've had two days off and a very two unproductive days at work spaced out on codeine. Nothing to be done but lots of resting, hopefully having a weekend at home with DH looking after me will be help. To make things worse, I went to the doctor this morning to get the day off and he said my thyroid looked enlarged, so I had to get some blood tests. He looked back through my file and saw I had a thyroid test 18 months ago that came back normal, then he asked me why I'd had all these tests for a miscarriage, gesturing to a picture of his baby grandchild saying his daughter had a miscarriage at 6 weeks then went on to have a healthy baby. I said it wasn't at 6 weeks it was at 22, and he said 'oh, that's pretty rough' at which point the tears came. They always do when it's someone new. Anyway he said he'd call through with the results when he got them, but in the meantime I don't even want to know what it could mean. My mother has always had an overactive thyroid but her body seems to compensate for it and she's never had any problems, esp with having babies. She jsut eats all the time and is always doing something, which is great when she visits as she's like a one-woman non-stop working bee!!!
I think I felt a kick this afternoon in bed... have been feeling things for a week but not sure. Got out the doppler again this afternoon and have found a great spot where I can hear my own heartbeat then can compare the baby's just to make sure they're different... but I can never lock down bub's HB for very long as he/she keeps moving around so I have to follow it!!
Sorry for the marathon, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend.
Laney - I know how scared you are at the moment, I am pretty freaked out aswell, although I don't have to deal with falling pregnant quite as soon as you did. I just hope over the weeks to come things settle in a little and your little one shows you he/she isn't going anywhere EXCEPT for in your arms, snug and happy. I hope that for all of us.
Lan - I am going to add to the queue.....Is the sale official yet? How is your mum?
Sue - Looks like your DR is taking good care of you, glad to here in general you are fine.
Paula - I hope you have a well rested holiday in Byron, such a beautiful part our country.
Tildy - I am glad you are cutting back your hours, it is too much girl!!
Jo - I hope your MIL isn't too bad too deal with, and I agree with the other girls, you should NEVER have to hide Madison OR Jack to anyone, these are your much loved and wanted children, you should be able to acknowledge that without feeling pressured.
Katie - WOW, less than 30 days!! OMG, look after yourself, do any of those last minute things, you know you won't be able to do with a newborn! How is your mum??
Rozzie - I hope your thyroid doesn't prove to be problematic, I don't know much about it. I am so jealous of you and that doppler!!
Cindee - How is the moving going?
Lanie - There are so many of you..Lan, Lanie & Laney!! How are you travelling?? Have you got any results back from your endometrial biopsy?
, sorry got carried away asking about everyone, I forgot to tell you about my results! YAY all good, and have immunity to parvo and CMV virus which I feel good about considering Corey is now in daycare. Not sure what my HCG levels were asked the receptionist to find out, she hasn't rung back yet, not that it matters as it is all normal anyway. I am feeling a lot more relieved, and wouldn't you know it the nausea is starting to creep in.
Laney -- a tentative congratulations and an understanding for the fact that you're scared. After our loss we asked the doc if we really had to wait until after one cycle to start TTC again and she said that no, that wasn't actually necessary, and that docs usually said that just to prevent you from getting an infection those first couple weeks after a D&C. She said all the stuff about how you're more likely to hace a miscarriage if you get pregnant too soon after one has been proven false in studies. I know you're scared for lots of other reasons, too. I don't know what to say, other than that we're here for you.
Jo -- It sounds like this week is being rough on you. The emotions go so dramatically up and down. I hope your MIL is gentle with you, but depending on how easily you can talk to her, maybe just say from the beginning that you've been having a tough time this week? I may be biased saying this as I have a super wonderful relationship with my MIL, but even with other people I found it made things soooo much easier to sort of "disarm" everything in the beginning by saying I was having a low period after the miscarriage and that I hoped they understood. That usually helped me to actually be far less emotional for the rest of whatever it was.
Paula -- How are you liking your new job so far? Is it a brand-new job after finishing your degree? Sounds pretty exciting, even if you're pretty wiped out! But it's Friday (and I am so happy for that myself!). But hey, I just got to work and you guys are probably on your way home... not fair! Have fun on your trip to Byron (though I have no idea where that is)!
Sue -- hoping things will turn out just fine with your thyroid and metformin. At least our thyroid issued are pretty easy to regulate as long as they're testing regularly, and it sounds like your docs have that part in check. I've got my next ob appointment on Tuesday and they're going to check my levels again, as my TSH was low before and they might actually lower my dose depending on what they find this time.
Rozzie -- that doc wasn't the absolute most tactful, if I may say so. I'm actually very sick of people assuming that my miscarriage was in the 7th or 8th week or something and spewing out the same "people go on to have healthy babies after a miscarriage!" standard lines. When it's a doctor I just get angry that they clearly can't read. Glad to hear you're feeling some movement in there. I don't think I can yet, but I wasn't far enough along last time to have known for sure what it feels like. But that doppler is my new favorite thing! I make sure to only use it once a day and just a short minute or two, but last night we pretty easily found a spot where we heard both bubs' and my heart at the same time... very uplifting!
So Helen -- I warmly recommend the doppler when you get to 12 weeks! Okay, I've only had it for 2 days, but still! I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday and explained to her that I weighed the pros of having a reassuring tool at home against the cons of "What if I can't find the heartbeat?" and she begged me to make sure I could say "The baby has just moved out of range" or something if I couldn't find the heartbeat one day. But I dunno... knowledge is power, especially for us. I read up on whether or not it was safe, too, which is where I read that you shouldn't use it more than 10 minutes once a day. But just listening 30 seconds before I went to sleep was such an enormous lift to my mood...
Katie -- you still have a while left and we've already got all our eyes on you! Feel nagged yet?
I'm at work and finally having a break from the hectic pace of this week, but that's because there's yet another error in the program and I refuse to fix it this time. I'm supposed to just be the tester now, and the programmer should fix his own durn bugs! Waiting for him to get off his butt and have a look!
Our solicitor confirmed the contract exchange on our apartment and now we have a settlement date - 17 Nov. We get the keys to our new home on 20 Oct. But do you think little Lan can be satisfied? No! I've gone quite feral. Over the past few weeks I've felt a horrible, raging anger for no apparent reason. Poor DH gets the brunt of it because he's closest but it's not him. It's just crazy me. I'm even angry at Hamish for leaving me. How evil am I? Today I sat down next to a pregnant girl at a shopping centre then burst out crying. Crazy crazy. I've booked myself in to see my homoeopath next week.
Enough of my selfishness...
Laney, your apprehension is more than understandable but you cannot change fate with fear so please have a little celebration at your BFP and hopefully it'll turn into a bigger celebration every week you pass.
Jo, my heart ached for you when I read about you searching for matching urns for Jack and Madison. It is so so wrong that you have to do this. I hope you find the right ones eventually. As for your MIL, she'd better behave herself else I may very well unleash my rage on her! How dare she upset you.
Rozzie, that headache sounds so unforgiving. I don't know what an enlarged thyroid means but my mum had thyroid problems and has had us three kids after a series of early miscarriages. It must be reassuring to hear your little one's heartbeat everyday. And a kick! That's SO exciting!!!
Tildy, it's a tough few weeks coming up for you with all those scary dates, isn't it? I can only offer my unending support and complete understanding. You've got a Doppler too! Makes me so excited hearing you guys talk about those beautiful heartbeats.
Sue and Cindee - not long until you get to 12wks. Can't wait to hear about your scans. Sue - does this feel real yet?
Helen - yay on the GP confirmation. I want to see a ticker! Let's hope that you're lucky like Katie and don't get M/S this time. That's what I'm hoping for myself since I puked my way from 4wks to 20wks with Hamish.
Katie, what was the verdict for your mum today? Does it feel any different now that your baby is engaged? So this means you could go into labour any time now? OMG I am excited for you. I actually want to squeal!
Paula did you say that you were going to see a naturopath or are seeing one? How's it going? Only two months till Dec!
Hi all. Just a quick one from me as we are heading out for breakfast.
Lan - telling us that you feel angry with the world is not being selfish..it is being honest. I felt incredibly angry after Nathaniel, angry with everyone from my ob, my family and God. It is a very natural part of grieving. I was angry that DH could fall asleep at night whilst I sat there crying and feeling empty. You only lost Hamish in April, so don't feel that you should be 'better' by now. If you want to cry or scream just do it. Have you spoken to a counsellor? I can really recommend SIDS and Kids as they offer a free service and will come to your home. My counsellor lost a baby years ago, but it means she understands the total devastation. Also they offer parent supporters who are people who have gone through a similar loss (I did not use this but it might be a good option). They also run support groups and the one you would be best with is called Hope and Healing. Both DH and I found this to be extremely cathartic (and emotional). Just talking about Nathaniel and how our lives had been affected, actually aided both of us in our healing. I still have bad days and still cry, but I know it is because I will always love my little boy. Be kind to yourself! And congrats on finally confirming the sale of your unit. You have a busy couple of months ahead - moving house and commencing TTC...it will be wonderful!
Okay that is enough from me. I also wanted to thank you all for being so supportive and excited for me. I get such a buzz when I read your messages and I can feel the excitement! It has really helped me accept that I really am almost there and that this little girl has as good a chance as anyone. So thank you, thank you, thank you. After all you have been through, all the heartbreak and hurt, you can still show genuine concern and hope for another person, it is very special. I hope I can continue to offer the same support in return.
just got a call from my Mum, am in a bit of a weird place. My brother's wife is apparently going through a miscarriage at the moment. She was meant to be aroud 12 weeks and started bleeding, so Mum took her to emergency (my brother's away so she's staying at my parents) where they did a scan. They told her she was 6 weeks, which she said she definitely wasn't, as she'd had a dating scan earlier with a H/B which from what it sounds like is now absent. Anyway, she's sad obviously but is dealing with it OK, they have two healthy girls and this is her 1st M/C.
I am a bit shocked at how I feel... I just had a niggling feeling she would be pregnant at the same time as me which I really didn't want. My sister was 4 weeks ahead of me during my first pregnancy and even then I felt her pregnancy overshadowed mine a bit, even when I thought nothing was wrong, and now I have a living relative who'll always remind me how old Edward should have been. I was really hoping that SIL wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, and now I feel sorry for them but can't muster up that much genuine sympathy... it's not like I'm angry at them for getting pregnant, I know they they have to do what's right for them. Family gatherings will be interesting in the future, my sister's daughter will remind me of Edward and my child will remind brother and SIL of their lost child.
I find myself unable to be genuinely 'happy for' other people... a friend who had a boy a week or so after I was due rang and spoke to DH last night, he doesn't even tell me about the baby, I just don't want to know. I find myself angry or something like that that they got pregnant straight away and had an easy pregnancy. Her sister I know has had two abortions just due to falling pregnant accidentally and has gone on to have two gorgeous girls now, and I feel like she's less deserving. It's so silly because I know that nature doesn't care about fairness or morality but still I feel this way. It makes me feel like a horrible person that I can't be happy for them, I'm normally a really sympathetic and feeling person. I feel worse after I told DH about SIL and then said something like 'I knew she'd be pregnant at the same time, which is selfish I know' and he said 'that is selfish'.
I can't help how I feel, up until now I haven't felt too guilty but I'm really now starting to wonder if this will ever change. I think this is part of the reason I don't want to engage with family and friends, particularly the ones with kids because that way I can keep these unpleasant feelings hidden from them.
Anyway, for now I'm glad I haven't announced the pregnancy to the rest of the family, now seems like a bad time.
I'm struggling to wrestle with these disturbing feelings, and what's even more worrying is if we had another loss I don't know if I could come back from them. Sorry to be all about me for a while, I'd appreciate advice from anyone who's felt something similar.
Oh Rozzie big. First of all, you are not really being selfish at all, you have these feelings because you have been through a nightmare! I can understand where you are coming from I have a bit of a similar but different version. My cousin and I are very close, she has a DD 9 months older than Corey, when we decided to have a 2nd baby, so did they, which was great. We fell pregnant after the 3rd cycle and I just assumed she would fall soon too, well nature hasn't been great with her and it just wasn't happening, whereas I went along happily on my way until horror struck us down. She was a great support for me and when we started to try again we thought this was our chance to do it 'together' again. I couldn't help but be a little nervous when each cycle rolled around wondering how I would cope if she got pregnant before me, this is where I battled selfishness thinking how could I NOT be happy for her she has been trying so much longer than me! I got very defensive at her one day when she said to me that 'you get pregnant so easily, I just want to get pregnant' and which I replied back to tell her 'this is the 4th time I have been pregnant, yes, but I only have one child so far!' I felt like telling her off for comparing her 'hardship' with mine, when in reality I should have been grateful for the fact that at least I am pregnant she is now about to start IVF and needs my support. So Rozzie I guess what I am trying to say is we all have our armour around us that tries to protect us and that includes sometimes being a little 'selfish'. The reminders will always be there for Edward some harder than others, but it is good they are there to remind us of our much loved babies.
It's still a while left then till your pre-conception counseling. Are you anxious?
I have been trying to find 2 urns that would nice for Jack and Madisons ashes but just can't find some that are "perfect" for what i want! well, i have found perfect -they are in the states and can't seem to get a reply email back!
for a good result.
.
, sorry got carried away asking about everyone, I forgot to tell you about my results! YAY all good, and have immunity to parvo and CMV virus which I feel good about considering Corey is now in daycare. Not sure what my HCG levels were asked the receptionist to find out, she hasn't rung back yet, not that it matters as it is all normal anyway. I am feeling a lot more relieved, and wouldn't you know it the nausea is starting to creep in
.
Have fun on your trip to Byron (though I have no idea where that is)!
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