I'm home, after managing to build myself up to super-stress levels in the meantime. I think I was just too scared of something happening while we were away or, worse, on an airplane, and he fact that I have this new bleeding and cramping that isn't stopping made that fear worse. Now that I'm home it feels much, much more calm. It was just the worst-case-scenario thinking and the deja vu of coming home from a plane ride and miscarrying less than 24 hours later that made me panicky. By the time we were landing over Stockholm I was even getting faint and out-of-breath over the turbulance and the pilot's overly-agressive landing angle. There was such a dip that the whole plane went "Whoa!" when their stomachs ended up in their throats. When we got home, I refused to let DH keep the bedroom door open for the cats. He thought I was mean because they had missed us and were scratching at the bedroom door, but it was 2 am, I was exhausted, and I know that girl cat has a tendency to pee in our bed to show how upset she is about being kept inside for a week -- something she did the night we got home from London at 3am, right before the miscarriage. I refused out of superstition to let that happen again!

Anyway, I see my grief counselor today and the doctor on Friday. I'm sure it is just a hematoma again, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I've already beaten the good odds by having a hematoma two pregnancies in a row and having it push off the placenta last time instead of resolving, so I can't take their insistence that it's just a tiny little nothing that won't cause any problems.

Okay, I hope you can take me seriously as I switch modes from *****y into personals...

I'm really happy to hear about your good scan, Sue! I realize it doesn't feel real yet, but you have at least gotten a very strong boost.

Jo -- I can't imagine having to make a phone call to ask about my baby's ashes. So many details of what many of you have been through are so much more trying than most people would imagine. I will have you in mind tomorrow and hope for the best of possible outcomes of your meetings with the docs.

Katie -- How are things going for your mom? I'm sure you've said, but what kind of treatment schedule does she have and has it started yet? I hope you're spending some great time together and getting some good acrobatic shows from Big Bubs.

Helen -- how's the first scary/exciting/unreal weeks going?

Cindee -- good to hear from you, but sorry to hear you've got sick kids to handle. I hope that I "outgrow" this complicated pregnancy bullcrap before I'm pregnant with my second child, because it must be hard to care for the big ones while trying to grow a little one!

Paula -- I don't think it's morbid at all that you take our Charlie's ashes. I have a little charm bracelet with hearts on it; one for me, one for DH, one for Beiron, and a new one I bought last week to add on for the new bubs. I wear it as much as possible and I fiddle with it when I'm nervous or scared or worried without even really realizing. It feels good to have something physical to hold on to when thinking about Charlie, that makes perfect sense.

Lan -- How are things going with your pre-conception counseling? There's been so many ladies in here getting knocked up that I worry we're forgetting the TTC.

Rozzie -- glad to hear that things are going well for you. Have your symptoms disppeared as much as mine? I'd kind of rather be hanging my head over the toilet actually, but someday in the future I'm sure I'll feel lucky for not having all the "normal" symptoms. :P

Hope I didn't miss anyone. I think it's time for a nap!