Beata - it is a lifeline.... some of us just can't be away for too long huh?
Gigi - I can only imagine the enormous effort it takes each cycle, to build up hope and then be crushed. You have my pure and unadulterated admiration girl. My Bestie, is Long Term TCC with 2 m/c. She is so stoic most of the time but I see ( and at other times she lets me in) her struggle so much. I wish that I could make it better for her, and it makes me so sad that everytime she sees me, that as happy as she is for me, a part of her is just shrivelling inside because I am right now what she so badly wants. But still she comes and still she supports me. Pretty amazing friend huh?
I spent a lot of my most "fertile" years with acute PCOS and somehow just got the message that I was infertile and little could be done. I have no idea why I just accepted that at the time. I suppose at the time it suited me career wise not to pursue fertility options further. I don't regret it, but I am concerned I was so "accepting". This journey is just so weird. I started it with a perception of infertility and DH and I incorporated the concept that we wouldn't have children in our relationship. It took us both a lot of work to do it. And then things changed for us in ways we least expected. I hope that your you things changed unexpectedly and you do get your bfp..... soon. Anyway, my friend told me she was reading a book Inconceivable Notion I think is its title. I have it on hold at the library. My friend told me a lot of the stories there resonated for her and helped get a sense that what she is feeling and thinking is not "crazy". Maybe after I read it I will have more of an understanding of the path and you and my Bestie walk...
Anyway, sorry today was just a post to Gi. Thinking of you and lost of dust and stickies....
Dory - Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you as you endure the ever painful 1st anniversary next week. It's never easy having to re-live the painful memories. My hubby and I have a special place we go where we remember our son. We take a single white rose and lay it at the headland and we both tell him how much we love him and how much we miss him. Not a year will ever go by that we won't go and honour his memory. It's nice to do those special things and the first anniversary will be hard, and it will hurt, but with each anniversary, the pain slowly slowly slowly lessens.
Hope the counselling appt goes well. Sounds like it's come at a good time :-)
Big hugs for you. Know that you'll get through the day. Be kind to yourself, let it hurt and cry it out. You will wake to a new day, and you WILL see September, and you never know what's around the corner :-)
Dory, sweet friend. You do indeed have a very special friend but nothing less than you deserve. I am sure you are so important to her too. Being allowed and safe to feel raw and true one moment and strong the next is such a gift. It is bitter sweet, beautiful and hurtful. You also deserve this happiness of a living child as much as your beautiful angels have also given you joy. I feel for you gorgeous friend but also admire her strength.
It is funny how each of our journey's go. I don't now how and i try not to question this but somehow things are as they are supposed to be. i often joke that i wish I had been soley focused on my career and decided to have children later. So much anguish and heartbreak, fights and tears would have been saved. I wish I had of known how things would work out...to save a part of myself. I greive a lot over that, a life less lived- i feel sometimes. Not many people let me say that without judgement. I am just not in a good place right now. I would not change things it think- although for the first time in my life of 'no regrets' I have a few...just every now and then..a glimpse. I am sure this will change over time and I will be able to be more forgiving. Other times...would not have changed a thing. i guess it depends where you are at. I think I am just really sad and sorry for myself at this point in my life, a little bitter. I am trying to get through that. You ladies help tremendously. I am trying to move it on with the idea that this should not take up years of my life, but it is taking time. Family often make me feel as though I am struggling and shouldn't be, and should be in a better place than i am...and maybe i should be, but I am doing what I can for now and I am at peace with that. I hate the word 'should'. I think they just don't want to see our pain anymore. They are tired of handling it. Somedays i think they get a glimpse that is a forever deal.
Dory, you are such a dear friend. I don't feel for a moment that you don't get me..you certianly do. Sure our stories differ a little, but i feel understood when I read your posts. I am so greatful for your generosity and support.
I feel pretty broken about now, waiting. I have lost hope. That is a lie, I have hope. But I feel like i shoudn't. With the tick of the clock the scales tip further one side than the other. I just need to know, one way or another. I don't want the pain. CD28 and waiting. I am so so scared. Hmm tears are coming. i better go.
I can not thank you enough fro your recognition and love. Thank you to all of you.
Dory- Sweety I am thinking of you in these coming months. I have your angels' birthdays in my diary but not their EDDs. My DD was supposed to be due around the 10/11 or July. I just can't believe it is coming around. The friends baby that was born as planned around her date is celebrating her 1st birthday. I am so jealous of them and so sad that out little girl is not trying to walk and eating pink icing (coloured with beetroot powder of course) with marshmellow and smartie flowers. I can only imagine what you must be feeling too. A pull between your children exists whether they are on this earth or not. I truely believe that. I find it equally important to spend time thinking about her and thinking about making another baby, spending time with my husband. I certainly know when i haven't spread myself around as I would have liked. I have this pull on my heart if DD or I feel like she has been neglected.
I am not thinking about her date just yet, trying not to.
Sorry to be so gloomy everyone. Well i hope it makes you all feel normal to read my sad thoughts. xoxo
Gigi - have my shoulder to cry on sweetie.... there's so much you've written that resonates with me.... and thankyou for your kind words. It's often that we are harder on ourselves than others ever will be. So go gently and don't be to tough on yourself. You are in the place that you need to be right now, and when you are ready you will move to a different place. No one else can answer that question for you as no one walks in your shoes. I know you have hope, but it's just hard to find it in its own right. One of the attributes that I most admire about you is that you are so natural and comfortable in the ways you honour your DD. I didn't realise your DD EDD was coming up... thanks for sharing such a special date.
I went to counselling today and as always was so glad I did. I have a lot to think about and work through, but have some ideas now, rather than just being stuck. I think I was a little stuck. I always have such a strong sense of peace after I see my counsellor. It's like the feeling you get after you've had a really good sleep. Although I have to admit, I came close to a precipe and backed away. Guess that's something for another day.
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