Gigi! - I am with Chez. These people have no insight or understanding, like so many out there. You are such a strong woman for being involved and participating in your SIL shower. But hey, if as it draws closer you don't want to go because of how you are feeling, then don't go.

I had the same dilemma recently with my nephew's partners baby shower. I was told they were pg not long after Amelia was born in Feb 09. It was devastating at the time. When I got the invite in the mail, it crushed me, scared me but I was also happy to have been invited. I thought about it a while and decided to go. It was hard, not only for my own demons, but once I got there, the only person I knew was my nephew's partner ( although thank god my nephew was lurking in the house) and no one else seemed interested in talking to me when I tried to start up a conversation.

The whole day was actually pretty tough, but I surprised myself by not cracking up and actually getting through it. There were a few times when my thoughts ran away with me, but I got them under control. I had promised myself I would leave if it was too much. But there was only one pg woman and no babies, only toddlers and older kids. Unless you've walked a journey like ours, people just don't understand how hard it is to even contemplate going to a baby shower. I am not sure if I could have contemplated going in the circumstances you are describing..... that's tough.

One of the reasons I decided to go was thinking about how I might feel in the future at not having gone, and having a regret that I didn't even try. The other reasons was that I had hoped to see my niece and her two kids ( my other great niece and great nephew) but they weren't there because of some all in family argument with my nephew and his partner.

I found out later, that my nephew's partner - at all of 19 years old - agonised over whether to invite me and even called my mum to ask her about it. Pretty amazing huh? And now they have asked me to be the godmother to my "great niece" ( but again checking in with my mum to see what she thought).

I am sorry that you had to endure such an inappropriate conversation. I would like to come and shake them by the shoulders until their teeth fall out, and poke them with pins.

But violence aside, can you promise me to do what you think is right by you and only you? You are too precious, and by that I mean both valuable and vulnerable, to be exposing yourself to too much hurt. It's you and your feelings that is important.

BTW - you are right about billirubin, its a by product of the breakdown of red blood cells, and specifically from the breakdown of heme. Everyone has some excreted in their urine, which contributes to its colour. The liver and bile ducts are involved, but I can't remember with any great detail how its all connected. Anyway, too much billirubin can result in jaundice of the skin and eyes. I don't have that.

Dr Google didn't scare me either, found some good pathology sites that provided good basic information and not sensationalist information. End result? I'll ask the Dr and maybe the test can be rerun. It could be indicative of something else or just variations in either my natural biology, the testing methods of the pathology lab. It's all so variable.

Chez - I also agree with you about looking after your man, by not talking about your cycle. Sometimes irgnorance is bliss. It would be nice if we could separate ourselves from it too, but it's too much a part of the outcome we are hoping for to be able to do that. Luckily we women can do more than 1 thing at a time. I am sorry for your BFN, but as you say not over til AF shows up. ( And in my desperation, I always think that AF is implantation bleeding and so do a HPT during AF anyway).

Good luck girls, have a nice day and as Chez said - lots of baby dust to you all.