I am with B, you're just beautiful G.... and so is B ( know what you mean about lonely nights, thou I only had a mini taste last night..., hugs for you and Cam).
Sorry for disappearing. I told myself not to post before my 12 week scan (this coming Monday) but I couldn't hold out as I've missed you all.
Gi, You are most certainly a SAINT! You are such an amazing woman and your community is lucky to have you and your DH helping them rebuild their lives. Since I've been here, you've always been so supportive and compassionate, a true star in my eyes :-)
Dory, great to hear from you and glad you weren't too badly affected either. I have cried so much watching the tv coverage and can't fathom the devastation and despair. Hope Hannah Bear is bringing much joy and enjoyed her first Xmas!
Chez - CONGRATS ON YOUR SCAN! I completely understand the meltdown and well done for getting through such a terrifying moment. Would have been nice to see bubs wriggling about. Keep the updates coming!
Beata - Great to hear from you and hope things are all going well.
Tashybabe, Kate?? Any news? Thinking of you all.
AFM - Well after what feels like a 3 year rollercoaster ride (it's been 3 months) I'm trying to gear myself up for the 12 week scan on Monday. I'm PETRIFIED! Feel sick thinking about it and keep fearing the worst, no heartbeat? abnormality? ARGH!!!! I want it to be exciting but I'm just sick with nerves and am hoping and praying that all is ok. I've really struggled with this pregnancy, had the worst morning sickness that is still going on and have been so dizzy and exhausted and emotional. Shouldn't complain though. I'll check back in next week and let you know how I get on. Fingers x'd!!! My fam have tried to be supportive but they are all just "you'll be fine". I wish it were that simple. I have a 1/40 chance of neural tube problems so "you'll be fine" just doesn't cut it! I'm trying to be optimistic but I have to be realistic and no one seems to understand that.
Thank you girls...really, but my god i feel uncomfortable.
Powelly, your fears are very valid sweet. It would be terrifying to be thinking the worst. You can only try your hardest to think about the good things but the subconscious can really be powerful and turn your mind over when you least expect it. Bless your family for trying but unless you have been through it, it can be so so hard to 'get it'. YOu have negative references...if you know what i mean- it has all happened before. Which can make statistics all the more real.
HOWEVER...you can totally do this. There is nothing you can do about the scan..you can't change a thing. What you can do is be the bravest and most loving mother you can me right now. You can show your bubba all the courage you can muster. Bubs will be most forgiving if it gets too hard but i find it was where i found most of my strength...being an example for my baby. I convinced myself that my feelings became my babies and that helped me stay strong and as positive as i could. Don't get me wrong...that involved being scared, distressed and angry but it helped me control those feeling a bit better and talk myself out of them.
Love, hang in there, you will be strong enough to handle this. Your bubba chose you for that very reason. Love and hugs to you and holding youhand the whole way. xoxoxox
Powelly - I couldn't have said it better than Gi... your fam though are trying their best, just misguided tis all. be brave my girls an my thoughts and strength are with you.
Powelly - it's totally normal to stress about bub, especially with a known genetic thing going on. I hope bub is well. I've read to picture bub in a bubble of peace - all white and filled with love. It might not stop the anxiety, but it may help you calm a bit. btw - I think you're allowed to complain about the pregnancy being hard. Just because we've lost babies, it doesn't make us saints. We can whinge too
Gigi1 - I think it's wonderful you're helping out where you can. The images on tv etc have been so distressing. It must be so much worse being there and smelling it etc. I imagine there's a lot of people in shock.
dory - supportive as ever
hi to everyone else. hope you're well.
AFM. I'm having a high anxiety day today. I actually feel sick. We have a meeting with the geneticist at the hospital in 2 hours. I hate going back to that place. Everytime we leave without a baby in our arms is like a replay of going home after Leo died. With no baby. At least we should have some answers. I just want a definitive plan. either yes it's a 1 in 4 and you'll need a CVS. Or that was a fluke. you have a 1 in 20,000 of that happening again. Then I don't know if we'll need a cvs. or whether we get one anyway. Aargh! It's doing my head in.
I'm also grieiving Lulu. I'm struggling with the fact she's really gone. I saw her last Friday at her sister's funeral. (and going to a funeral less than 6 months after my son's was hard) Then found out she had gone too on Saturday. I was sad enough for her about the pain she was going through. Now, I'm sad for myself, for friends. I can't imagine the world of pain her parents and children are in right now. It's just so wrong.
Meanwhile I'm trying to visualise that I'm growing clean eggs, free of nasty genetic disorders so we can have a healthy, take home bub. It's more difficult to do when I'm stressed though. Just need to breathe slowly and deeply.
Tashybabe - Huge, gigantic hugs coming your way. And yes, slow, deep breathes, relaxed thoughts and positive visualisations (why are we so good at giving others advice???). Good luck at your appointment. I can imagine how hard it would be and I haven't stepped foot in the hospital that I delivered my first son at. It's too darn hard and I feel anxious even driving past it. Please, if you are comfortable, come back later and vent. We are all here for you in this journey and whatever the odds, I believe you will be blessed with a take home baby soon :-)
Gi - thank you once again for your complete wisdom and understanding. Brought tears to my eyes today and I again feel blessed to still be welcome in here.
Dory - thank you as well. I'm sure you knew all too well the stress and worry that accompany pregnancy. Whilst we feel blessed, it's also the longest, craziest rollercoaster ride ever!
Gigi, I have to agree with everyone else, your generosity and strength of spirit makes you an amazing individual, and I am very proud to call you my friend So sad to hear about your friends who have lost everything. I am sure we will hear more stories like this in the future once the initial devastation is dealt with. You are sounding very upbeat - your soul must be happiest when you are nurturing and caring!
Powelly - hun I completely understand where you are at the moment. I think you have been given some pretty sound advice but I want to reinforce what Gigi has said - no matter how much you worry you cannot change the outcome of next week - it will be as it was meant to be. That doesn't mean the outcome will be any easier to accept but for me taking that attitude helped get me through some of my darker moments. I have everything crossed for you!
Tashybabe I heard about Lulu as well - devastating. Be kind to yourself in dealing with this loss. It is going to be a struggle and may even bring back some of the feelings you thought you had dealt with about Leo. Remember two steps forward... I love your visualisation of clean healthy eggs - FX for you.
Dory - Gigi is right - HB is your priority right now - the help will still be needed in the future with other things - you don't need any nasties being brought home right now.
Hi Beata - thanks for your lovely words. It's so nice of you to drop in and say hello!
Hi to Kate, lollylegs and everyone else.
Well 2nd ob visit today - another quick scan - bub is well, heart rate nice and strong. Blood pressure normal and I have actually lost about 1kg since I got weighed at 6 weeks, not that I needed to put on any weight! So, all in all pretty good. I can't believe we're about to enter 2nd trimester next week! I have been back at work since Monday and not coping very well with no afternoon nap. I find if I can get out for a walk at lunch time that I do better in the afternoon, but I have been so busy yesterday and today that that hasn't happened :-( The nausea is easing but I find if I get really tired it comes back with a vengence. Here's to a 2nd tri energy spurt!
oxo
Not sure if I'm in the right place here. But have been lurking around in here for a few weeks...
Our son was born at 39 weeks, and according to all scans (6-7) and tests (downs scan and amnio), everything was fine. a big heathy bub. He lived for 6 days... Doc's thinks he had something called Mitochondrial decease.... Think you can find my post if you serach for Haakon's story.. If you wanna read it..
We're not really TTC yet, as I'm booked in for a gallbladder surgery in March, and DH doesn't want me to get preggers until that is over and done with... We are still waiting for the test results (genetic testing- biopsy of bub) almost a year after. Doc said it could take up to 2 years until they had something to tell us.....
Haakon's B-day is fast approaching, 2 Feb, but I think we'll be fine.
X-mas was sad, but not too bad. We tried to have a good day for him, because he would have wanted us to... We had a few christmas-ornaments on the tree that is his, and my DH signed the card for my pressie with both their names :-)
Welcome in here TJA83 Hope you stay in here is short. So sorry to hear about your little boy. You sound well supported and feet firmly on the ground hun. It is hard approaching that first birthday and i would imagine the ones that follow. I hope you find something special to do for it. I find that helps me...as long as i am doing something to commemorate or remember my DD...we get through it. You will too.
We are hear to caht anytime. xxo
Tj - I remember Haakon's story.... again I am so sorry your son Haakon died and I wish you didn't have to wait so long for answers.....those first birthday's are so very hard.... so I will be thinking of you and your darling boy. I do like that DH thought to sign your chrissy card from himself and Haakon. GL with your gall bladder surgery... that would be done laparoscopically? So small incision but still a major surgery to recover from. Does that mean you're in a fair amount of pain/discomfort now( about your gall bladder) ? I hope not.
G -I am hoping you'll have something to tell soon too... :P
According to the Specialist (gallbladder doc) my symptoms are a-typical, as the pain seems to come if I'm emotionally stressed out... Had quite a few attacks around the time of taking ashes to cemetery, the interment etc... but haven't had any pain since 28 Sept last year (day before interment), but Doc still want to remove it...
Yes, it will be done laparoscopically... He said we could TTC a few days after surgery, which is great cuz I believe I will be ovulating just a few days after
Dh keeps saying I will be preggers by such and such time (You can't go to NY with your friends cuz you'll be pregnant by then...), and I can't wait...
It's scaring the s**t out of me, but at the same time I can't wait to have a 'take home baby'... (I'm not naive, but trying to stay positive)...
I think everything happens for a reason, but it's difficult to figure out the reason for anyone losing a baby (or several babies)...
We gave the geneticist approval to use bub's biopsy for research. If his test can help them to locate the gene, and prevent it from happening to more people, then we have no problems allowing them to use it... Our only condition was that our name won't show up in any research papers...
Loving the attitude. Your DH is a catch for sure...bless him. Good luck with the op hun. xoxo
AFM- CD29...and fast approaching CD30 as i head to bed. NO AF...but also BFN on my POASs....i really think it is just a longer cycle. On a normal cycle i would usually have spotting my day CD27...and usually bang on 28 days. I hardly ever go past 29 though....wierd but nothing really happening to suggest i am preggas.
I know this sounds so horrible but i have lost so much hope. I am just a bit over the anguish...i am exhausted by it. Each month....i am getting used to a negative result. This frightens me a bit....pretty horrible to epect the worst and be proven right every time. Well i don't 'expect' the worst but YKWIM...crazy chicka here tonight.
I am very tired and msut get off to bed. Spent the arvo helping a woman out cleaning her bathroom...zapped me after a late night. We came home and watched Letters to Julia....so romantic...I am such a sap. Loved it and bawled my eyes out.
xoxoxox
GI! For someone with "no symptoms" you have a lot of symptoms! Crying, tired, emotional etc! I hope this is your month and I have everything crossed for you babe. Simply think the universe is working in your favour. I believe you will get your earth baby, just making sure the timing is right :-)
Welcome TJA83 and so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son. No words can take away the hurt or anguish, but you will find loads of support in here and may your time in here be short (but I'm still hanging around and the girls can't get rid of me! haha).
AFM, ultrasound went swimmingly! Apart from bursting into tears upon entering the fetal medicine unit. It all seemed to catch up with me. The sonographer was the same as the one who saw us through our tragedy and subsequent ultrasounds of our beautiful son so it was great to have her doing this scan. Nuchal measurement was good and although they can't fully assess bub at 12 weeks, she said all looked good at this stage. So I have a few weeks off high-stress until the 19 week scan...
Powelly - congrats on a great scan!!! I'm sure it was extremely emotional. So happy for you!!
TJ - Warm welcome to you. Hope your TTC journey is short. The ladies in here are a fantastic support!
Dory - Hi! and thanks for thinking of me!
AFM - sorry I have been MIA but we moved in between floods, I started a new job and have been busy getting DD ready for a new school.......now Im just tired.
Cycles are all out - my body has no idea what it is doing. I am on CD25 and have started spotting. My cycles have been over 30 days so who knows. Haven't
really given it our all this cycle - too tired and too stressed. Having conflicting feelings about the whole having another baby too. DD is almost 8 now and as
much as I really want that little baby in my arms - I almost as much don't want to disrupt our lives again. It was soo hard on all of us, including DD, that I don't want
to put our family through that again. Turmoil in my heart and my head!
Hope everyone is doing well and hasn't been too affected by the wild weather!
chez67 - great that bub is doing well. I hope the 2nd trimester is less tiring for you.
TjA83 - so sorry to hear about your son. Nothing can take away that pain. I hope you're OK with his birthday. We're here and understand, so vent here if you need to. There was another member, Maisy, who'd DD2 died from a mitochondrial disease. I've tried to understand what's involved but it seems so complicated. My son died from a gentic disease too. GL with the gallbladder surgery. My mum recently was told she had gallstones and is managing it with diet. If you think it's related to stress, have you looked at counselling?
Gigi1 - so sorry you're feeling down. I hope things look up soon
Powelly - so glad everything went well. I understand the bursting into tears at the U/S. When we went last pregnancy, I asked they turn the screen off so I couldn't see until the found the heartbeat.
lollylegs - you sound so stressed. I hope you settle in soon.
AFM. Well the meeting with the geneticist did not go as we wished. At least we had a nice geneticist this time - one who could speak human. It's a bit complicated, but they were looking for 2 mutations on a gene in Leo, then were planning to match back to us. If they found the 2 mutations, they would be able to develop a pre-natal test for a future pregnancy. What they found wasn't definitive as a cause of the disease, even though Leo had it. So, it could be it was a one off spontaneous thing, or it could be inherited from us but in a way they can't test for. So there's no pre-natal test for us. It means crossing fingers and toes, hoping we conceive a healthy bub and having more scans. The really scary part is the 21week scan with Leo showed nothing wrong. So we could get that far along or further before finding out the next bub is also sick. Which makes me feel sick just thinking of it.
I'm also umming and aahing about whether to have a CVS to test for other things, given my age. Is it worth the risk? etc etc (I have a post on it here, if anyone can relate: Pregnancy after genetic/chromosomal loss question: CVS?)
So that was stressful. In addition to attending a memorial service on Saturday. And tomorrow is supposed to be our little boy's 6 month birthday. At least it's a public holiday. I feel this pressure building up, like I've been holding on for too long and I may melt down or something.
I don't believe everything happens for a reason. There's no reason our beautiful little boy was taken from us. It just sucks and some days I get so angry about it. I know life's not fair. But he was just a baby!
And now I'm obsessing over symptoms. I'm 4DPO and wondering, am I this cranky because I'm stressed, sad or pregnant, or all of the above.
Tash, I hope it is not much longer for you hun and I hope you defy all possible problems with a healthy bubba to hold in your arms. It is terribly stressful. I wish i could help you with the CVS debate- my thought is that i would continue with the pregnancy anyway so it is not for me BUT i am not in your position hun and there is no way I could guess what i would do in that situation. I hope you find a decision that suits you and your man hun. That is what is important. My god you are so brave. xoxoxo
Powelly, so very thrilled for you hun. I hope you can carry this high for much longer yet. So very exciting for you. I would have done the same thing....bursting into tears walking in there. It is nearly two years ago for me now and it is so so recent and vivid in my mind.
Lollylegs, i hope thinks calm down for you soon hun. Life can be just so busy. It is crazy. I hope you are safe and dry through the floods.
AFM........Well I think AF is turning up CD33. I am just lost to how i feel right now. I have brownish muck turning up, so maybe it will be in full swing by tomorrow. BFN tests too, so my heart is dealing with that right now. I just don't know anymore. This is so hard and I feel so broken. xoxoxoxo Well wishes to all and hope you are all travelling well. xoxoxo
Oh Gigi honey, my heart is breaking for you . I can feel your pain and disappointment, it's just not fair. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and believe me I don't blame you hun. I just so wish that stupid AF would just take a hike for a change! It's so easy to say don't give up hope hun, when you feel so low and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I am always going to have everything crossed for you and I will do my baby dance for you (sort of similar to a rain dance) cos from memory I think it did work for someone in this thread a while back. Big, big hugs hun and I will have a block of chockie for you today (if I had a drink I would probably pass out so I am going to have chockie instead).
Thanks B...I am so grateful for your understanding and love. I feel just gutted.
And look at your little man...my word he is so big.
Love and many thanks hun... thank you thank you.
I really needed to here that.
xoxox
So sad to hear about your friends who have lost everything. I am sure we will hear more stories like this in the future once the initial devastation is dealt with. You are sounding very upbeat - your soul must be happiest when you are nurturing and caring!
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