Skybie - OMG - well done you! Congrats on that BFP!!!

Blessed - good to see you pop in. Good to hear things are going well with your button.

Judy - good to see you here sweetie.... like everything, sometimes there are is loads of activity in here and sometimes not. You just picked a lull. You didn't chase anyone away. I haven't been in for ages.... a succession of illnesses meant no TTC here... But hopefully that will change? He he.

Tashy - oh sweetie..... my dear sweet blossom. Call me anytime. Anytime. To cry, to ask questions, to yell, to shout. I am here. To talk about Jude and Leo. To talk about anything. I know how lonely the path you are walking is. I know what it's like. The only thing you need to focus on now is you. Be gentle on yourself. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You have crated two beautiful boys. For reasons we will never understand they could not stay, but you have done the most amazing thing of all - created new life with love and anticipation. You are a wonderful mother, never doubt that. NEVER. I know these words seem so hollow when all you want is to be having your boys alive and well at home with you. In the very essence of my being, I know you are anything but a failure, and I know you are a beautiful wonderful mother, wife, daugther, woman.

If you're worried about not being able to do daily tasks - then my suggestion is each day write a list of two or three things and try to do them. It could be (a) have a shower before 5pm (b) unload the dishwasher. I found that doing those lists helped me get a sense that I had achieved something and for a little while helped me feel less aimless each day. I would also make lists for doing nice things for myself like (a) pat the cat (b) smell a flower (c) sit in the sun and just breathe (d) get a hot drink. I kept my little lists, and now when I go back to them it seems so odd, but then I remember the crippling grief, and I remember how those little lists helped me through.

There is no normal now for you for a while, well not normal as you used to know it.... your normal for a little while, is the pain you feel and trying to get through each moment. For me normal was not an option. I tried to go out into the world and often was overwhelmed by it...... I got very used to doing things in the world with tears streaming down my face and ignoring the curious looks of strangers. I got used to sitting the the car crying trying to muster the courage to get out into the world. I got very used to being home alone because it was all too much.

When you're grieving a second time around, people are far less tolerant of your grief, and far less likely to ask after you.

There is a way through my sweet. You don't have to be strong, or brave. You just have to be you and do the best you can every day. You are brave and you are strong, but I know it doesn't feel that way. I also know that people say things like that because they think about themselves and have no idea how they would cope. Coping is doing what you need to do to get through, and it looks brave and strong from the outisde when people don't have access to how it really feels or what thoughts really go through your mind. It's not glamourous, and it's not easy..... but I believe in you. I BELIEVE IN YOU. I carry you and your boys in my heart, always.