Gigi - I am gutted for you too love. Hugs & hopes for the month ahead x
Off to a nice restaurant tonight for DH's bday tomorrow.
Taking the little people also - DD is all dolled up in a new dress for the occassion - bless
her attitude filled little socks xx
A big HI to all x
Gigi - I'm so so sorry. The journey is tiring. I just wish it wasn't so unfair..
Tashy- for you too. I hope your sleep starts to improve again for you. The grief is so hard to deal with alone, let alone when you can't sleep. Regarding your paranoia, I doubt anyone who knows what you have been through would not be understanding of that.. Paranoia too is a horrible thing. You need your sleep and strength to deal with that too. Are you getting any help for lack of sleep?
Mummytotwo - the restaurant sounds lovely. Hope you have a great time!
Oh Tashy, sweety. It is just so hard. I am so sorry you are in the depths of such sorrow right now. I know it will get better for you. I wish I could pop round to see you, let you cry, tell me your story again and just to listen to your pain. Why don't you write it all down in here again...your feelings i mean. It doesn't matter if we have heard it before. It can just hep to validate how you are feeling.
It is only natural that wound was going to be so raw again when you have had to revisit those recent memories doing those reports for the OB. I wish i could take it away but then a part of me doesn't. Your pain and heartache is in direct relation to just how much you loved your boys, the dreams it took to create them and the legacy they have left behind. How could i diminish that. What do you think you could do to feel a bit better today? Just today? A bath, a shower, a takeaway and delivered meal, a movie, a massage, a certain food, a certain phone call. Even to look over your things that belong to your boys, photos, blankets, memories....anything to feel closer to them. Light a candle and have a little chat with them.
I am thinking of you hun and I am working on my computer should you ned to chat furher, I can pick up your posts quickly. xoxo Hugs dear friend. xoox
Ask your beautiful boys for help. I know they are not far from you and I know, their love has such incredible power. Maybe they can help you and then just listen to your intuition for little messages from them in the things you do. Know they are there. I know too well that is not good enough and you would much rather them driving you mad on this earth...They are there, hun, they are with you. They feel your love and they love you.
Have you thought of speaking to a Medium? Please excuse this question if it is not your beliefs. I don't want to insult or be rude. xoox
Thanks Gigi. I'm going to try to go for a walk around the block. Staying in bed crying only works for a short time. I just miss them both so much. It's getting close to J's due date. I really thought he'd be ok. I was so sure he was healthy. He was such a busy boy, kicking mummy all day. Rolling around. So busy. My mummy instinct is completely ****.
I should have been able to keep them safe. I dont know why they both got so sick. We loved them both so much before we even knew they were here. I dont understand why. I know that's a kid's question. I just wont ever understand. Why couldnt our little boys be healthy. Why them?
I have so many friends due in the next few months. There's a group of us, all due 1 month after the other. I should be getting ready for J's arrival, anxious as we get past L's gestation, wanting baby to cook a few weeks longer, but not too long. Maybe come at the end of September. Not grieving for my second son, dead for 12 weeks, his ashes in the bedroom with hus brother's. I want to be happy for my friends. I do. It's just they're having their second baby, whilst mine are both dead. I feel like crap. I am happy for them. I'm just sad for me. I'm sad for my DH who was made to be a father. I'm sad for our boys, for the lives they miss out on.
It's not easier the second time. I dont know why I thought it should be. It's harder. It's so much harder.
I saw a 'medium' 7 weeks after DS1 died, which was a mistake. I am contemplating hypnotherapy for life between life regression. I'd like to understand the choices I made coming into this life.
Thanks for letting me get it out. I'm a mess atm. I should have a shower and get cleaned up. I'm just so bloody tired of all this.
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for you too. I hope your sleep starts to improve again for you. The grief is so hard to deal with alone, let alone when you can't sleep. Regarding your paranoia, I doubt anyone who knows what you have been through would not be understanding of that.. Paranoia too is a horrible thing. You need your sleep and strength to deal with that too. Are you getting any help for lack of sleep?
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