TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #5 2011
If you have found yourself in this forum you no doubt have had a painful journey. TTC after recurrent miscarriage/stillbirth or Late Loss takes special courage and support. The aim of this forum is to provide a place where women who have endured loss can share their stories, friendships, treatments and triumphs!
My greatest wish is that you all leave this forum with nice big fat positives in the shortest possible time!!!
I hope so much that this month is YOUR month.
If at any time you'd like to make a suggestion, or provide any constructive feedback for this forum, please contact one of your following moderators:
Rouge
MistyFying
Trish
Alternately you may contact Kelly (however she may take a little longer to respond at times!).
We appreciate all your feedback as it does help to make our forums a much happier, relaxed place to chat! We will always take your comments seriously - all comments are treated confidentially...
Dory - I hope you're feeling better. That sucks people are not being sensitive. You're right, I am weary. I feel like I've spent so much time just sad and grieving. Which is understandable but I need to be able to develop some kind of life irrespective of the pain. Good luck TTCing this month.
Gigi - you must be getting so excited about getting your pup. I hope the TWW is treating you kindly.
BAL & Lady Tess - I hope you're staying sane. There's so much waiting to do but you don't want any excitement in subsequent pregnancies. Dull, boring, uneventful and healthy is what you want.
AFM. It's now 12 weeks since we said goodbye to little J. I miss our little boys so much. I should be 35 weeks pregnant today. Crap, I just realised, Monday will be 35wk3d, which is when L came, and on a Monday too. Well, it seems I am just tripping over dates I wasn't even anticipating.
I feel like I should be better. i can't remember what I was like 12 weeks after L died. I centrainly wasn't back at work. I was hoping to be back at work by now, but it just doesnt seem to be working out that way. I suppose having 2 babies die in a year means it is logical grief etc would be worse, not better. Somehow I was thinking I would be better at it this time. Afterall, I've been down this path before. Wouldn't it be easier by now?
Fathers Day was dificult but we got through. DH seemed OK. He got a couple of lovely cards. My sleep improved, then got worse after Fathers Day.
We're seeing an OB next week for a pre-pregnancy appointment. I spent a day going back and forth, writing up our history before emailing it to her with a copy of L's autopsy & DNA results. It's depressing going over their births and deaths. But I'd rather she had a heads up before we go in to see her. This is all a way to see if we like her and can work with her and get on her client book. OBs book up so fast. We're still very happy with our IM, but given everything we've been through, we need access to Fetal Medicine people and I want a NICU nearby if we ever end up birthing a live baby. I handed my dream for a homebirth up to the universe as an offering for a healthy, living baby.
Have I mentioned my paranoia? I wont go back to the office as there's an electrical substation in the building, about 5 metres from my desk. As we have no real answers as to why we've had 2 babies in a row with fatal, unrelated conditions, I am avoiding EMFs as much as possible. I'm eating less processed food, turning the wifi & powerpoints off at night, all sorts of things. We may never know why these things happened to our boys, but I'm doing what I can to prevent them, if possible, in future. I just need to remember to eat....
Tashybabe - you are doing fantastically in my books. What you have been through beggars belief.
No wonder you are paranoid - I would be too - you can't help but look for answers to your many questions & to try & ensure you never have to go there again!
Glad you & DH got through Fathers Day ok & hope you cope ok with the upcoming dates.
Anyway, just a quickie from me tonight - much love, peace & babydust to all x
Tash I completely get the paranoia...been there hun and often still visit. Here if you need to chat more about it. I will be able to type more tomorrow. Wonderful idea for your ob babe, getting all your info together prior...you are an 'ideas girl!' xoxo You have had a full on time lately love and you are doing so well with it. As well as can be expected. Huge hugs. xoox
Tess, Blessed, and MT2- gla dto knwo you are all still hanging round. Love and hugs to you all.
AFM- Sorry i have not great news. AF arrived and kicking my butt today. Went to see a movie tonight and regretably ate too much **** and now i feel horrid. Why do i not learn. Anyway, got some yoga in before discomfort got too bad. Going to watch some tv now and chill.
The last couple of days have been great for my photography though. I got to take some newborn shots of a friends baby and did a short course where i got to learn some night time tips. I got some fantastic shots of the laser show on the river. Some of night traffic. One of which i might even get to sell. Very exciting. i posted a couple and I am gob smacked at the response from people. Made me feel proud and surprised at how far i have come. I have got more to learn...anyway that is me for tonight.
I am gutted to the soul and tired of this battle tonight...weary of it all. I just don't know. What more must i learn, how much stronger must i be.
We talked for the first time in a long time today about fostering and looking into it further.
Love to all and thanks so much for your well wishes. xoxo
Dory!!!!! I am super excited for you, congratulations Hun!!!
Hello ladies, I am still lurking in here as u can see. Afm: anxiety has kicked in but I think I am doing reasonably well keeping it under control. 1 meltdown in 30 weeks is ok isn't it??? I am trying to stay out of stressful situations as they tend to get my anxiety in over drive. And I am so sick of telling me everything is "normal" nothing is normal for me, I understand people are trying to make me stress less, but it is annoying and I don't know how to say stop it!
The fact that I feel bubs isn't as reassuring as one might guess, I felt Matthew move and wriggle right through labor. My thoughts on the c section and my own mortality is a weird one.... But these things are to be as expected yes??? Haha I can only trust people who have experienced loss and carry that weight around to "get it"
Anyway I hope all of you are loving and taking care of yourselves this coming Christmas. Thinking of you all and you are all in my heart.
I'm home briefly between trips. DH is away for work and I'll be joining him for a week. I really dont cope well with being away from him too long anymore. Years ago, I used to dislike it but I'd manage. Not so much anymore.
Gigi1 - I hope you're OK and snap dragon is still improving.
dory - congratulations again. I hope you're doing OK as well. I know managing the fear is hard. One day at a time, darling and we're here to support you whenever you need.
I feel hurt for you that your family dont acknowlege your darling children. I cannot understand that - it must be devastating for you. Well done on the fundraising. It's nice to make a difference.
S&S - thinking of you. I hope the mc wasn't too hard on you physically. I know it will take a long time to heal emotionally. Take things easy. We wont be going away for Xmas, as we're going away in Nov/Dec and will be home by then. However, we will be keeping it quiet. Just walking into shops with all the Xmas decorations up makes me cringe and I want to close my eyes. I feel sad about that, as usually I like Xmas. I even made an effort last year, decorating the tree in blue and gold for our boy. I just cant do it this year. We'll probably end up watching the Godfather trilogy or Star Wars or something.
Mummyto2 - how are you going?
EJ - I hope your results give you a roadmap as to where to go next. Well done on your fundraiser - that's a fabulous result.
Lady Tess - I think 1 meltdown in 30 weeks is extraordinary. i'd had at least 2 or 3 by 20weeks. Sadly, they wont sedate me through the next pregnancy (that was a sort of joke). I get the frustration with people trying to assure you of normal. I dont suppose laughing hysterically at them would help. Can you say gently, I know you mean well, but it doesn't help me at all, so can you please not pretend everything is going to be OK until I have a living, screaming child in my arms? I understand the fear. I felt Leo kicking on the way out. So what? Yes, a kicking baby is good. Absolutely. And it's good to engage with baby, talk to baby etc. Doesnt mean you'll feel safe until it's over. Take care, you're in the home stretch now. I imagine the anxiety may actually increase, but I think having a definate end date may help.
AFM. crap. I had an appointment with the shrink today. On my own, as DH is away. Which was good, as I could open up about what a **** wife and mother I think I am. I feel so fat and ugly, I dont know why he's still with me.... which is what I think on bad days. Even though DH assures me he still loves me. I just take the blame of our sons dying on myself even though there's nothing I did wrong, nothing I could have done differently, at least that we know about. At the moment we're still just monitoring to see if this becomes depression that needs medication. Because we know I'm not taking anything in pregnancy and if I have to take ADs, despite how low risk they are, I wont cope at all. I am so paranoid about exposing myself to anything harmful in case we have another sick baby. If I end up on ADs, that will delay TTC for at least a year.
I do feel rubbish for not losing more weight. I have the mummy tummy and no babies. I never got to see if breasfeeding helps. Never got to do any of those things normal mummies do. I feel like maybe my babies were taken because someone knows I would be a **** mum. That doesnt explain how crack whores are able to produce living children they can then abuse and I cant, but that's how I feel some days.
In other news, I have been researching my family tree. It started as a way to see if I could identify genetic reasons for our babies dying and ended up being a hobby. I went away with family this week and part of the trip I spent researching ancestors on the Victorian goldfields. I found some useful information. I also visited a couple of cemetaries to see where the ancestors are buried. It was beautiful and sad. The old sections of cemetaries are full of baby graves - many families losing multiple children. I took some flowers for 2 baby girls in the family who passed a 9 and 16 months and later found out another baby is in the same grave. I just felt so sad. What haunts me is the grave of a 24 year old woman with 4 of her babies, aged 10months, 11months, 12 months and 6 weeks. I just can't comprehend that kind of loss and grief.
Even turning on TV seems to be potluck. I was watching some UK crime program the other day and it turned out to include dead children.....is it just me or is it everywhere? Is it like when you buy a blue car, you see blue cars all around? I just wonder, did I not notice before? Is anyone else more sensitive now?
On a happier note, a babyloss mama I know is having a scheduled c/s today for her rainbow baby. I am waiting for the birth announcement. She's had a very stresful pregnancy and is struggling to believe she'll be taking home a live baby. I can't wait to see pics and find out her name.
I am back but will be back in later to read...just wanted to let you know I am here. Hope to be in tomorrow. xoxoxo I have not read yet so sorry if this seems insensitive to good and bad news out there. Promise to be back soon. xoxo
I promise to make time for you lovely ladies over the weekend also.
Feel I have been a bit neglectful of late..... I have been reading your news
but will defo be back for some persies on the weekend. Pinky promise
Girls, I am so sorry I have been so absent. I have had trouble keeping up with it all. I have also been away. So in my feeble attempt to catch up....here we go.
Dores my darling girl. SO SO SO thrilled for you gorgeous. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy hun and i know it is early days but I am still so excited and I hope it is a wonderful wonderful experience for you. xooxoxox
Lady Tess,- I can not put it any better than LionandBears, awesome job to tally up only one meltdown in 30wks....and so frustrating how people around you handle this. They will never know and nor would you wish it on them, but they will never understand. Keep going lovely, i hope peace of mind is around the corner for you. xoxo
EmJ- Incredible effort hun and good luck on setting it all up officially. I had no idea it costs so much. I couldn't agree more about age/timing of loss. I read a great comment/response to silly remarks from people that have an opinion of severity of loss according to gestation that was just perfectly put for me..it read- 'Do you mean to say that you value and love your eldest child more than your youngest?' How people can place a value from the outside of a situation is beyond me...rude infact and totally unfounded. Good luck on the test results hun, hope they give you something to work with and you can get busy again love. oxxoxo
S&S- Thinking of you and hope you are healing in body and heart gorgeous. I really hope you are doing ok. Love and hugs to you. xoxo
L&B- oh Hun, I am sure you are a wonderful but grieving wife, and mother. Cut your sugar and get out for a short walk each day and i hope it helps the mood changes for you hun. You really don't need the swing when you are looking at depression.
Yes i am certainly more sensitive with things on tv etc. I also look at it as an opportunity to cry when some days i feel like my tears have dried up. I used the expereinces...when i was up to it, it prompt my thoughts about DD and memories of her. It helped me feel closer to her. I kind of enjoy that in a way, having a good cry and being comfortable with my grief. It would help me bring feelings to teh surface- anger, questions, fear, sadness, and utter heartbreak. I am so broken for you hun in this raw pain.
Well it is not a secret anymore...cemetries used to firghten me and remind me of everything sad. I used to walk around them and look at al the grave stones. I would come home in tears grieving my infertility and thinking i will never be a grandmother etc etc...i was terrified that no one will miss me, live on after me. It absolutely terrified me. Now, i find it comforting, i feel calm there and I try to visit one now and again. I find solice in reading other peoples pain on a tomb stone. I helps me not feel so alone. It also reminds me of my own pain, it's signifigance and the pain of others. I don't know...it comforts me and i try to grab a take away hot choc and walk around or sit there. Reading the stones also makes me feel like these people are being thought of.
I have to go to bed now...
But quickly Little miss snapdragon is doing very well. She is just incredible. Her tantrums are getting better and her training is really going well. We had a nice break this week and we all benefited i think. I am happy to say...i have fallen for her. She is just gorgeous. She has been with us now for 5wks and we are all doing well. xoxoxoxxo
CD24 for me....stupid me POAS yesterday and of course it was neg.
Love and hope to all i have not done a persie for. Thinking of you. xoxoxo
HMxxx
Hello Lovely Ladies,
Well I went and saw my lovely specialist and he confirmed that I have an autoimmune arthritis and to continue on with the steroid treatment also I need to have clexane injections daily to help thin my blood. Hopefully combined with the steroids my body wont attack or try and get rid of this bub. Yes we got a positive preg test on the weekend! I am a bit shocked at how little I feel about it. I dont know if it is just me protecting myself or what but other than terrible heartburn and sore boobs that is about as much as I am feeling about this preg so far. I know it is early but did any of you ladies feel like this with pregnancies after losses?
Mummytotwo - good work with the weight loss! I love weight watchers, their system is what I always go back to each time I fall off the eating wagon with a thud. Its amazing when you do lose weight how different it makes you feel about yourself. I am terrible with my weight, I yoyo all the time and I am struggling at the moment with the increased steroid dose as I am starving all the time lol. Put that on top of being an emotional eater (if i have any emotion I eat lol) I have put on about 10kgs since losing James in April. I hope to just maintain my weight and just eat healthy this preg and enjoy it while it lasts and lose the weight after bub gets here safely ( I am trying to be positive!!) Good luck with your O day and I hope that you get a sticky bub! You might just be able to make the cut off for flying while pregnant next year if you do . I am so jealous I would love to go to Scotland - My maiden name is Cameron - so would love to go and see where my family is from.
GiGi - I am so glad snap dragon is settling down for you, puppies can definately frustrate the heck out of you! Have you done another preg test since the other day? I have my fingers crossed for you. I dont really know your fertility issues, and you seem to like the natural medicines, are there other options for you to try? I hope that doesnt offend you in any way. My Dr said there is another drug I can use that is stronger if this combo doesnt work and I was just wondering if there are other avenues for you?
Lions&Bears - Oh honey I am sorry your having such a rough time right now, being a woman sure does suck sometimes. I know we are blessed with being able to hold our beautiful babies inside us and feel all the guilt etc that we cant do what our bodies are just meant to do. It is also not fair that we have all the horrible hormones that rule our bodies too. It would be nice to be free from the ups and downs each month just for a little while. When i was walking into the hospital to be induced to have James (knowing he was already gone) a young teenage looking pregnant girl was smoking out the front of maternity. I just wanted to smack her so badly. I wouldnt even eat bacon when pregnant!! I think all of us on here know what you mean about being more "aware" of baby loss - I swear ninety percent of the books I have read since James have had baby loss in some way in them. I dont know if I would have noticed before but now its like a smack in the face every time. One of the ladies in our baby loss group put this on our private page the other day and I would like to share it with you - be warned you will cry!
I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and are important and I need to hear their name.
If I cry or get emotional when we talk about my loved one, I wish you new it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that they have died has caused my tears. If you allow me to cry, I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
I wish you wouldn't let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.
I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish that you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counselling.
I wish you knew that the death of a child/sibling is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to other losses.
Being a bereaved parent isn't contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me.
I wish you knew all these 'crazy' grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be 'cured' or a 'formally bereaved', but for evermore be recovering from my bereavement.
I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses or be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
Our loved one's birthday, the anniversary of the death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking of them on these days. And if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.
I wish you wouldn't offer to take me out for a drink or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have hurt before and I can heal.
I wish that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to 'get back to my old self', you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me - maybe you'll still like me.
Source Unknown
I think we can probably all relate to some or all of this. Lions and Bears - I hope you find something in there that may make you feel like the new you is just fine. xo
Dory - Congratulations! I think we were pregnant at the same time a few months ago? I hope I got that right?! I wish for you the quickest, easiest and most painfully boring pregnancy.
Ok I better go and tackle the pile of ironing as it keeps refusing to go away on its own!
Much love to you all lovely ladies and I hope that you are treating yourselves with care and love that you deserve.
EJ I am so sorry. I can't even fathom your conflicting feelings. I can only offer you hugs and prayers. Xx
Dory.... BA was a week or so ago lol I have only been home for a week. Low fluid and anxiety led doctors to band together and agree to bring lil Max early (36 weeks) but because I had already had a bleed 2 weeks prior I had had steroid injections, so they were very confident everything would go ok. And it did!! He is only a little pixie of a thing, tipping the scales at 5 pound. I now cannot stop staring at him. CSection turned up a little more than we bargained for. Seems I was risking more than my sanity this pregnancy, seems I have a split uterus, never completely formed. ( explains why he was always to the right)
Hello lovely ladies,
Just popping in to say a quick hello to you all. I have noticed it is very quiet in here lately. I hope that Christmas and New Year was kind to you all. I found it hard as it should have been James' first Christmas. Plus a few family members have new babies so that was hard to deal with, trying to be happy on the outside while inside your heart is just breaking.
I am nearly at the 14 week mark and bub is hanging in there. They have upped my dose of Clexane to 80mg a day, I have some amazing bruises from these . We had our NT scan done on the 3rd of Jan and as expected had high risk results. But seeing that bub has a nasal bone, and the neck measurements were within normal limits we are not really that worried. Also bub was very uncooperative so we had an extra long ultrasound and everything checked out perfect. We are not doing an amnio anyway so it doesnt matter either way really.
Thank you all for your thoughts when I posted that we lost one of our twins. I keep wanting to say babies when I talk about bub. I have had some coloured discharge for the last month or so, it is driving me insane, drs dont know why? They think it is the other twin "vanishing".
I got my Christmas present in the mail today! A necklace with a pendant on it "I love you to the moon and back", one with my DD name on it and one with James's name on it. I also got filagree angel wings on there also, one for James and one for the miscarriage I had in august at nearly 9 weeks. I will have to get another for our lost twin but will wait until this baby is here so I can get both at once (trying to be positive!)
I am desperate to find out the sex of this baby where it has never been an issue with my other 2 bubs. I just feel the more I know the more power I have lol. As we all know we know nothing and have no power over anything really!!
Gigi - I hope your still stalking us as I want you to know I think of you often and the words thankyou are just not enough for the support you gave when I first joined this group.
I better go and feed my DD, for a 6 year old she is eating me out of house and home these school holidays! I cant keep the food up to her lol.
Much love to you all and sticky dust to you all. Big hugs for when you need them too xoxo
EmilyJames - 14 weeks - fantastic!! Glad to hear all is going well apart from the discharge. So will you definitely find out bubs sex at 19 week scan?
Glad you got through xmas ok too hun - I have a few bew bubbas around me also & while I love them to bits it only brings home what I should have but don't
What I do have though is a hungry 6yo like you who is eating me out of house & home also this school holidays
How is everyone else travelling? It has been awefully quite in here lately. I just want someone to break the drought again with some good news. Not me this month I'm afraid & with my trip to Scotland planned for March
not too sure what to do about the whole ttc thing.....At this stage I think we will keep battling on & let the universe decide.
Anyway, love to all - would love to hear everyones news xxxx
TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #5 2011
Dory thank you for your welcome
To be honest emotionally I am not that great everyone around me has babies or is pregnant and I've almost had that twice
With my cycle I am day 6 of a 30-32 day cycle I have just bought a thermometer and salvia ovulation tester to pin point when I ovulate
I did name them yes Imogen and James. I saw both and held both my husband saw but didn't hold and now regrets that which emotionally he is not coping with well
I have had structural, hormonal and genetic testing all has come back normal except for discovering I have a uterine fibroid but was told that was not the cause so we are at a loss on what we can do to avoid it again
TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ #5 2011
Reply With Quote
to all..
all around.
Bookmarks