howdy everyone.
Georgie- you don't sound twisted at all. the monthly heart torture is beyond endurance at some point. big hugs to you. the pole thing sounds about right.
Jo- keeping my fingers crossed for Wednesday.
Barbara- i am so sorry for your loss. you are in the brunt of the pain right now. i wish something i could say could help you. but i don't know any of those magic words. big hugs, and let yourself go through whatever you are feeling now. it is such a painful, messed up thing -- there are no grief "stages" like they say -- just a jumble of nasty, painful emotions piled on top of each other. be good to yourself and let yourself go through that jumble. big hugs. at to ttc, i say what everyone else said. start when you are ready, physically and mentally. i needed to wait 2 months for my body to get back to the point where it could support another baby. mentally, well, that is for each to decide. some need longer, some need to try sooner. do whatever you need, my dear.
Mandie- i am so sorry for your losses. if you don't mind me asking, did you name your first two children? what a painful journey you are on. i hope you find the support here that i did. big hugs to you.

as for me, i'm hunkering down for the holiday season. my goal is to live through it as gracefully as possible, and if that isn't possible, well, then just to live through it. i admit to being a grinch this year, and i scowl at holiday displays. i'm not proud of my behavior, but it is the best i can do.