Howdy everyone. just tested today and got negative results. i really thought it would be positive, but i guess i am so out of whack with my own feelings . . . . dh is right that it could have been too early with my cycles messed up after Yeti. bummer of a day.
Klee- happy 5 month birthday to Phoebe, hugs to you for such a painful day. ikwym, it is so difficult to not feel other's pain so deeply now. i've also felt that i had to explain why i was feeling so strongly for someone else, then i'm not sure if i did the right thing. your boss probably just took comfort from your solace. i could use that mind switch too.
Lynn- Yeah for Hope! wireless sounds like the way to go.
Kat- maybe your test was too early? that's what i'm telling myself today. i'm not sure i believe myself, though. what is a Poincianna tree? it sounds lovely. i talk to my cherry trees too, i'm glad i'm not the only one.
thanks again for your thoughts yesterday ladies, am a little better today. I had no comprehension of anything yesterday, people were asking me questions and it was like they weren't speaking english, it was kind of funny actually, now that I look at it.
going to have a read through the posts and do some personals later.
Howdy everyone. has anyone here heard about or tried EMDR as a method to cope with grief? a workmate just suggested it as an idea for dealing with the processing of a death that includes trauma. i guess we have all had our share of that sort of trauma. anyway, i had never heard of EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). i've scouted about on the web, but still have no better idea of whether it is appropriate for grief. everyone around me (and me) is still looking for that magic bullet, i guess. thanks, m
Auntie M, I don't think there is something that is just going to fix it...
The grief of losing a child does ease over time, but it will always be with us. I know for me personally, Amy's first birthday was a big turning point for me, it's almost as if I'd dedicated a year to her, had the intense grief, and that now it was time to take a bit of a step back, get back into life and try to think of the memories I did have with her and try to be happy....
Plus, It's only been 4 months, you shouldn't expect yourself to be "fixed" yet. Hugs
Kristy - I'm glad that you are talking with a FS. They WILL help you get a healthy bub this time. I know the feeling of wanting a baby before you are 30. I have been trying to have a baby since I was 26. *Hope* is due a month before my 30th.
Mel - hope you are feeling a little bit better today. Big big
Auntie M - I am sorry you got a bfn. I just hope that it is too early and you get your BFP very very soon Unfortunately there is no easy answer to grief. I have not heard of EMDR but if you think it may help a little, it is worth a try.
Klee - I know yesterday was tough for you. I hope you have a little bit better day today :hugs:
I am plucking up the courage to ask if I can join you girls.
I lost my little girl Annabelle at 31 weeks in April 2002. Since then we had samuel who is a healthy nearly 3 yr old and since we started TTC again for a closer in age sibling we have had 3 miscarriages and several chem pg, although nothing except BFNs since the last m/c in December last year.
I am 43 and running out of hope, to the point where this cycle i am not even charting.. just sitting abck. I have a cold and sore throat which has carreid over from last cycle so going on 3 weeks now so I am not expecting a BFP til my body has recovered anyhow. CD1 here today and I go for my CD3 FSH, LH and E2 on Friday.
I had them done last year in Janaury but was Cd12 I think I O'd 2 days later... FSH then was 4 and E2 was 552.
I am ok most of the time but as I get closer to each obvious AF approaching i go thru stages of anger that I had to say goodbye to Annabelle and then go thru several m/c and still no closer. I wrote that on my blog and was told "It's alright to allow yourself to feel angry, but at some point you've got to tell yourself that perhaps you get 30 min every morning to scream, shout, cry, whatever you need to do, then go on about your day. We will continue to pray for you, dear Judy. But remember, that sometimes the answer is just "no"... "
Anyhow.. tea is ready so I have to depart.
I look forward to getting to know you all.
Hugs
Judy
Hi angelicdragon - of course you are more than welcome to join us, but I am so sorry that you have the need to I only just saw your thread the other day and posted to you in that. I am so sorry for everything you have been through, to lose Annabelle and then to go through all of those miscarriages, I really feel for you. I found BB only a month after losing Nicholas and I have to say without these amazing women I dont know how I would have gotten through, so I hope you can gain as much support in your journey as I have. I really hope you can give Samuel a brother or sister very soon :hugs:
Oh and call me dumb but I dont think I really understand that comment on your blog, how did you take that? I sometimes take things to heart but are they telling you to get over it? Thats like a red flag to a bull for me LOL! And I dont really get what "sometimes the answer is just "no"... " means!?!?!?
Anyway, welcome to the thread and I look forward to seeing you around.
Oh Judy I just looked at your website - Annabelle is just so beautiful and I am so sorry that she was taken away from you It just breaks my heart seeing her photos and I am just sitting here crying thinking about all of our babies who didnt even get a chance
Annabelle is up there playing with Nicholas and all of the the other angels, and watching over their families who miss them so much.
howdy everyone. feeling blue today. it is too hard to imagine myself with a live kid. so i am stewing in a vat of self pity.
Kristy- you are right, there is no way to avoid the pain. just some days i want so badly to fast-forward to a better point, one where i primarily feel that i was lucky to have Yeti for the brief time I did -- rather than just raging against his absence.
Judy- i am so sorry for your losses, but am glad you have joined here. my heart goes out to you in so many ways. i'm with Mel, i don't really get that blog comment. if you need more than 30 minuets to feel what you feel, then you take it! better directed out than directed in.
Judy: Welcome to the thread honey. Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures of Annabellle, she is truely a sweet little angel. I am sorry you have had to join us but trust me, there is no better place to be for support and understanding :hugs:
Autie M: You are totally allowed to stew in self pity, as long as you know that is normal and there are days when we just need to wallow. I too find it hard to imagine myself with a live child and I am about to have one. Deb is really good at helping with positive thinking and has said you should imagine that healthy baby in your arms because one day it will become your reality. Just take your time honey, it is still early days for all of us. We are here if you need us.
Hi Girls,
It's me the phantom poster. I am getting the new computer tonight..horray. I have been suffereing without you lot everyday. It has been horrible, having to talk to DH
I haven't had a chance to ready through everyones posts just yet, but I promise I will tonight and post properly.
Welcome to Saph and Angelicdragon, I am sorry you ladies have to join us here, but i hope you find it half as helpful as I did, and still do.
I will just make thia a bit selfish til I can read everyones posts, but I had my NT scan on monday, and going in, I was so scared, I had decided I didn't want any pic's or to even look at the screen, as the last time I saw an ultrasound of my baby, it was not moving I was about to ask her to turn my screen off, when she put it on my stomach and there was our little monster jumping around and little arma and legs flying everywhere. SO I decided to keep it on. I only cried once, when they showed me the heartbeat. I still decided I didn't want any photos just yet. Little *Faith* is messuring a little bit small, a day or two behind my dates, but that was to be expected when my cycles are so out, so they were not concerned at all. My risk rate came back as 1 in 2400, and that would more than likely be higher after the results of my blood tests. So that was good to hear. So, now I just have to wait til my next Dr's appointment which is in 2 weeks today. I am really looking forward to that, as it is with the high risk DR, and he is meant to be fantastic.
Well, I will keep trying to visit through the day when I can, but if not, I will speak to you all tonight, on my new computer.Yay!!
Hall. thank yuo s much for the welcome.
Mel thank you for looking up Annabelles page. I'll have to add my blog tag to my webpage then you can read the entry in context to what my friend told me. She was saying I guess that sometimes no matter how much we want a new baby or pray for one Gods answer is No and we have to accept it. Hard to take sort of answer though. As for being angry about not having Annabelle and the m/c's and time running out and no baby.. well I am not angry all the time just when AF arrives again and my homrones get all whacked out and well.. yeah.. hard to explain. I just looked at Nicholas' Home page and he is an adorable baby. It is so sad to know that he is in eternal sleep not just a baby sleep. (((hugs)))
Bailey congrats on seeing a good healthy baby moving and kicking . I guess the fear of a scan never leaves you .. I had scans every OB visit with Samuel as my OB wanted to check cord placement too.. he could have checked his heart with the doppler but each time he did a very quick scan. I asked for pictures each time I could so I could a memory album JIC. The things we do to safeguard our emotions. I hope Faith continues to grow bigger and stronger.
Auntie M ((((hugs)))) for the slow days
I had this poem taped to my monitor for months
Into the Depths.
Last week
I could have cast my life aside
Like an old shoe.
I could have ended my stay.
I cannot tell
How seas of hopelessness
Drowned my soul.
I could not speak
of my wish for death.
I drew into myself
Like a snail into its shell
Wishing for an end.
I withdrew from those I love
Not caring for them anymore.
There was a devastation
in my innnermost soul
and a terrible aloneness
and I was smitten down
into the depths of the abyss
It was in a book given to me by a friend and I think it really accurately described how I felt... But.. there is a rainbow. It can be hard to find but somewhere out there for all of us is a bright colourful rainbow reminding us of happiness and that life does go on. A different life to what we were used to but it does go on. I now look for rainbows when it rains as a sign that all will be well , that after the greyness the colour comes back.
Kristy hugs to you too coz you too have had your share of losses. ((((hugs))))
Lynn, Jo, Kat, Klee, Saph, I hope to get to know you all
hugs
Judy
Bailey - YAY Bailey's back Huge congrats on Faith's scan, I am glad you looked cause it might help you with feeling like you truly are pregnant, seeing her there on the screen and all. Cant wait til you can get a piccie though - you know I will want to see!
Aunty M - You are sooooo entitled to wallow in self pity if thats what you need to do, I have had my fair share of doing it believe me. I understand the feeling of not being able to imagine a live child in your arms, after this long of TTC after Nicholas was taken from us I struggle to imagine it myself, but Spring is right just keep telling yourself it will happen. If you dont believe it at first, maybe eventually you will start to think yeah I can do this. Big to you.
Judy - You cant be angry all the time, you have that beautiful little boy in your life. Noone can be angry all of the time though, but we are still entitled to be when we need to be. It is a part of grief and you should be allowed to experience whatever emotion you need to experience at that time. I agree that answer is hard to take, I cant accept it - but that's me. Hope you are feeling ok today
Jo - How are you? You havent been around much, so I hope thats just cause your busy with life. Remember if you need support we are all here for you :hugs:
Yay Bailey!!! You're back!! That is great news about *Faith*. I know the feeling of not wanting to look at the screen. I don't look until they tell me that *Hope* is fine. I have had weekly scans since 8 weeks and they give me photos and it is incredible to see how much they develop and how fast they develop. Can't wait for you to get a pic so I can see.
Mel - how are you going? Have you resisted the urge to test?
Jo - hey there! It is always good to hear from you because you don't come in very often. How are you going?
Judy - I am so sorry that you have to join this group but I hope you find loads of support here.
Auntie M - I'm sorry that you are not having a good day. Unfortunately they do come and go. I too find it hard to believe that I will ever have a living child. It has just been so long that we have been trying with no success. It is so frustrating and you stew in self pity. Sending you a big big
Unfortunately there is no easy answer to grief. I have not heard of EMDR but if you think it may help a little, it is worth a try. 
yay Bailey is back, we've missed you.
Huge congrats on Faith's scan, I am glad you looked cause it might help you with feeling like you truly are pregnant, seeing her there on the screen and all. Cant wait til you can get a piccie though - you know I will want to see!
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