Avalanche - I probably shouldnt say this but I have to, your ex sounds awful and he has no right to try to make you feel responsible for what happened to Beatrix You did everything you could to make a nice life for her and yourself, and she was there through it all so she knows this is true

I dont think it matters how old you are, or whether you go to college - you should be so proud of yourself for working so hard to provide for your little family. And at the moment you really need to look after yourself and concentrate on what YOU need, the people who have offered you a job will understand. And if they dont, they are being insensitive. Spring is right, if you could find a support group of some sort it might be worth speaking to a counsellor. I have only just started doing this recently because I believed I could do it on my own and didnt need help. I was wrong! I need all the help I can get, as do you.

About your anger, it really is such a normal part of grieving. You have a right to be angry, your little girl is not with you. I was very numb in the early days and then it all turned to anger and I have to admit I still have a lot of anger inside me, I am trying to deal with that now. But just know all of these emotions you are feeling are so normal.

I also think it is a completely normal feeling to want to TTC right away. We started as soon as we could (6 weeks) and I remember feeling soooo guilty in the beginning thinking that Nicholas would think I was replacing him or I didnt love him. But as time went by I realised that he of all people knows how I feel about him, he is the one who is with me when I cry for him although I cant see him. But the reason we go through our pregnancies is because we want a baby in our arms. Yes we love our first borns, they will always be just that, and there will never be another Beatrix - but you will be a Momma to an earth baby one day and she will be love her brother or sister just as much as you do.

Finally, if you gain a little bit of happiness from your art - you go for it! I would bet anything that Beatrix is your main inspiration and I believe it can possibly be quite a therapeutic thing for your to do. Everyone needs a happy place and yours seems to be in your art.

I am sorry I have just babbled on a bit - I just really want to help you, and as Spring said please keep visiting the site :hugs:

Love Mel