DP Doesnt want me to have a Doula....

[Bridg]

But I would really like one.
He panicks in situations (unusual for an Ambos son) and I know he is going to panic when I go into labour and birth the baby.
I would like my chosen Doula there to support both me and my DP.
He isnt too keen on having someone else in the room when Im in the state I am.

I can understand his point of view, but I would feel more relaxed and happy if I had my Doula there. I asked him if he would be able to make rational decisions if I couldnt and he said he could. I also asked him how would he feel when the midwives try and push me into a c/section or something I didnt want to do, and he said he would stand up for me.

Am I being too unreasonable in wanting a Doula? He is adament he doesnt want one in there.

[aimz78]

Hi Bridg,
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! In fact I think its a great idea and will think about one for my next birth as DH kinda dropped the ball, he got no sleep and was "tired" poor thing! He was not really supportive enough in the way that I needed/wanted him to be, he seemed kinda @$%*scared, too. Has your partner considered that the doula will be there to take the heat off him when he needs to go and have a break/eat etc. Labours are long and tough and I think having a second person to help support you will be great, and as for seeing you "in a state" ummm, thats what doulas are for!! They have also been there and done that. Also if you are really trying for a natural birth in a hossy I think its good to have an advocate, especially if you think DP will stress out. Maybe talk to him some more? could you possibly even arrange a meeting with proposed doula to help him feel more comfortable with the idea? Good luck!

[BellyBelly]

Bridg, its not unusual that anyone trained in the medical model is 'panicky' about birth and things that can go wrong, its how we got in this mess in the first place!!!

The Birth Options classes are starting soon for 2009, in which will talk about support and the importance of trained support and loads of other great facts and statistics which often appeal to dads. Do you think you could come to Melbourne for one Sunday? I think it'd work

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Hi Bridg,
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! In fact I think its a great idea and will think about one for my next birth as DH kinda dropped the ball, he got no sleep and was "tired" poor thing!

LOL!! Ditto!!

I'm quite surprised he doesn't want you to have a doula actually, DDs father told me he would've loved to have one during my labour to take some of the pressure off him; aparently I was asking for lower back massages constantly and he was getting exhausted, poor dear

I agree that it's YOUR decision. If you can turn him around on it, then great but if you can't, agree to disagree . . . and hire the doula. He's not the one who is going to give birth so it's not his decision. Certainly this is a very profound experience for him emotionally but it is for you (I would say moreso) as well as physically.

[PinkPalace]

YOu know what
DH thought it was totally wierd as well.

Then i said i will invite Her around to have a coffee so they can meet and she can explain her role etc - from then He thought they were a fabbo idea!!!

Perhaps you can ask him to just have a meeting and an open mind - even if you both decided afterwards not to iykwim

[Nelle]

I agree - get them to meet and he might think differently.

Another way of putting it could be 'alright darling, when YOU give birth, you can choose who you want to support you'.

[Nai]

After my first birth I decided I was definitely having a Doula second time around. While DP was great managing my head space he had no idea what to suggest etc when things were not going as planned. If I had a doula with me then things might have been different.

Needless to say when I suggested a doula for the above reasons this time he was fine with it. I think it's the fact that they have seen many many births and DP has seen 1. The experience is a big factor in that the doula actually knows more than he does.

[Bridg]

Thanks for all ur replies ladies. An old friend of mine had this said Doula and she said she couldnt have been more helpful. I have tried explaining everything to him about her role. I met with her one morning, and she went through some stuff. DP came home for lunch and she was still here so he got to meet her. I just feel I need someone there that will stay cool, calm, and collected.

BellyBelly- Id love to be able to come to Melbourne for the session but unfortunately things are a little tight here, and Id have to bring the kids and DP.

I will try and have a chat to him more about it tonight. Im starting to worry as time goes on, that I wont be able to handle this birth without the support of someone else as well as him.

[Tanya]

Bridget, did you get that bit of info I sent you via email?

What DP needs to understand is that doulas don't take the role of your partner, and he would be amazed at how well he would get to know this doula before the birth.

I think you really need to get him to understand that your birth is not a textbook birth. Women attempting VBAC are treated differently and he will need to be prepared for this.

Good luck, and let me know if I can help you futher. Maybe I could come for a visit when he is home (when I am feeling a little better )

xx

[Indadhanu]

I really saw a different side to my partner when I was in labour. For everything we talked about, things I wanted her to do for me and the decisions I wanted her to make for me if I couldn't make them myself she was... well quite honestly... useless. She was becoming a parent as well though, you know, so its not like it wasn't understandable. She'd never seen a woman in labour except for on TV, and of course it was ME in labour she just went into panic panic panic 'fix it' mode.

If you KNOW that you're partner isn't going to be the very very very best support person that you need, have a doula. As far as I'm concerned I'm having a doula no question next time and if Shel says no then quite honestly she can go jump, its her problem and she can deal with it because I'm having one end of story.

Maybe you could say "oh the doula can help you support me because she's been through it so she'll be able to tell you what I need, so you don't feel helpless and out of control". Which is how I've said it to Shel. She's still warming to it, but then she's still warming to the home VBAC idea too so one thing at a time LOL.

Just remember. YOU are the one who has to live with the possible 'what ifs' later on if you don't get a doula and things don't go to plan.

[Nes]

Just wondering whether it is possible to have a private Doula if the birth is in a private hospital with an OB.

[Indadhanu]

You can have a doula anytime hun, just be aware that they aren't considered 'medical' so they won't be able to 'catch' bub or anything like that. But as far as I know they are considered a support person so no reason why you couldn't have one there.

[Nes]

Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

[Cyathea]

Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

I would like to recommend Liz Leys, she is my doula this time around, quite simply an amazing woman, I cannot rave about her enough actually...

Her number is 0422703509 (net listed phone number)

[Cyathea]

whoops.

[Leonie P]

Thanks!

Just need to find one in Brisbane. Any ideas of where to look?

Yep call me on 32871209 And I will give you the names and #'s of a couple I found.

[Tanya]

Wow Bridg!! That would be amazing if you decided to employ a IM (even if you don't employ a doula )... what a fantastic turn around by DP... I hope you are prasing him

[Boo Boo]

HI Bridg

In the beginning my DH didn't 'get' what a doula was there for but was quite happy to have her there, I think probably to take the heat off him.....but afterwards he couldn't praise our doula highly enough, and said we would definitley have her for the next baby if we did have another one and thought having a doula was the best thing ever!!! Like the other girls have said if your DP meets your doula and starts to understand her role it should help in him coming around to the idea.

Good luck
Laurin