Grubi, the time is child led. They have one main method of communication – crying. If something makes them cry, we try to figure out what it is and remove it. If something stops them crying, we keep doing it. When, such as my case, you cannot physically do what it is that stops them crying, then you hold them while they cry.
An uncomforted baby is disturbing to most people because they have no resources, no way of understanding why they have been abandoned (which is how it feels to them), and their whole biology - which for centuries has them held by loved ones until recent centuries – aches. As one woman put it well, “we are modern women having Stone Age babies”. They still have their instinctual needs, they haven’t had time to evolve as evolution takes hundreds or thousands of years.
We aren’t instinctual anymore, we listen to fads that say do this that and the other or you’ll spoil the baby or he’ll never sleep again… etc. I can’t always stop Ci crying, but I hold him, he is SO new, he can’t hold himself. I want a hug when I’m sad, or at least for those who love me not to walk away or diminish my feelings. And I’m an adult, an adult that gets to sleep with a loved one, who gets to vent her feelings, who can walk and talk on command. As Steph is seeing, they are all learning self-soothing now, it won’t be long before the crying lessens dramatically on its own as they have learned that skill. My son comes first, my daughter has some self-soothing skills now but he doesn't. He needs my help. My daughter is learning compassion and selflessness, it isn’t appropriate for Ci to learn that and give to her yet. His time will come.
There is no hard and fast rule as to how long they need contact, but the general thing to follow is: if I pick him up, is he happier; if I put him down, is he happier?
Until he can crawl (about 6/7 months) and come to you himself.
Then you know for sure what his needs are. If he is not happy either way, hold him regardless. They are the general emotion safety “rules” basically. I will lay in bed with a crying baby, or sit with one, or walk with one, whatever my body is capable of, and put earplugs in if I have to, but I hold him through it, like I would any adult I love.
Six months is not a long time in a lifetime, as much as this irritates the ***** out of me (I ain’t no earth mama) six months for a lifetime’s installment in my son’s emotional life is not too big an ask. He may want contact after that, when it’s inconvenient, and I’ll give it to him as best I can. But in the early months, when he is at a serious disadvantage, doesn’t understand this big wide world and has simple needs – mama’s body, milk, motion and sucking – then I give him those things.
If you go to the first page of every single Baby Buddies thread on this board, you will see the moderator starts the thread with a page full of resources. Scroll down and look under “sleeping support”. You’ll see CC and CIO are not advocated at BB, and there are alternatives given, including info from The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health (AAIMH). Kelly started this site as a gentle parenting forum.
Those “sleep training” step by step guides are bull*****. Excuse the French. They are a fad created in the last half of last century – written by males with no evidence to support their claims and resulted in the mental health industry questioning the whole gambit and finding contradictory results. “timing” how long an infant can cry and then when a mama may go in and give comfort to her baby, as though they are an inanimate object or a dog in need of training is inappropriate, at best. I find babies incredibly inconvenient and frustrating and mind bending and challenging and I cry regularly and I miss my life and I sometimes even regret the whole bloody deal. My husband is still home because I can't cope! That's how hopeless I am with babies.
But in all that I remind myself everyday that it is the simplest job if I just listen to him: baby cries ~~ fill the need. Even if that need is just to have an angry, sobbing vent on mama's shoulder for a while. I'm nothing if I'm not a good listener.
All this is just for info's sake, btw. I won't judge myself, and I don't judge any of you. But I believe in full disclosure, and that we all deserve to know both sides of a coin.
Steph, drooling and fist sucking – that’s normal at this age. Ci is the same. They are learning to self soothe! Woot! It’s a great developmental step for them, and for you because if they can self soothe, your job is lessened. It’s what most of this first three months is about for them, learning to self soothe. Enjoy! And help her find her fist to suck. Some babies suck their thumb in the womb, and they are almost always great sleepers and very calm when born. The rest of them have to learn that skill. If you stroke the side of a newborn’s mouth, he will raise his hand to his mouth. If you press the palm of their hand, they will turn their head towards that side. Self-soothing is an inbuilt thing for them that they are born with, all the triggers are there for them to learn to do it.
Also, self-soothing comes in the form of breaking eye contact with someone or a stimulus. When over stimulated, self-soothing babies turn away to “regroup”, but the young ones just get bombarded and end up crying (when we step in to again be the soother). All things eventually develop to wean them from needing us body and soul, (but in their time, not ours. We can’t make that happen). But in case it happens to actually be a tooth, keep a finger probing inside there for any buds. It is a bit early but a small minority teethe early.
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