Hey girlies and bubs,

I miss our thread too, Jo. I even messaged Yael to ask if we could keep it. She said no...

Tiff, I'm in East Kew. Not too far. We'll definitely have to get out shopping. Jen too!

OK, today was cr*p. I haven't even been out of bed really. I got up, fed Billy and then he wouldn't settle. So, I finally got him to go down and went back to bed - with him on my chest. I got up again to feed him then went back to bed again and cried. I'm meant to be putting him on the breast, then giving him the formula, then expressing. Well, now that he's going on at every feed, it's hurting me to express. To add to that, I stored up a whole day's worth of expressed milk (as I was told to do) - it was only 90ml! I gave it to him to settle him down as I thought he was hungry and he had about 10ml and gave it the as*! What a waste. He woke at 5pm or so again and fed at 6pm. Now he's still awake!

The poor little thing was screaming during the day because his poo is so hard from the formula. I can get drops from the chemist, which I'll have to do tomorrow.

I can't keep all this up. I can't keep expressing. I feel disgusting doing it and I'm getting nothing. After medication and doing everything they say, still f*ck all is coming out. But if I stop doing that and he has 99% formula (apart from what he'll get if I put him on my bb at every feed) then he's going to constipated and god knows what else. I feel like a failure and feel like sh*t and I can't stop crying.

I put my anti depressants up after he was born but I feel WORSE! Maybe it's the milk producing drugs? Maybe it's bf? I just want to go to bed and stick my head under the doona and not come out. And then I feel terrible because I love him so much and it's not his fault. I'm not even angry at him, just with everything, and nothing.

To add to that, Billy's dad usually visits on a Tuesday and Thursday. Well, last weekend he told me that he probably couldn't come tonight as he was going to Sydney for work. I asked if he wanted to see him another day and he said he couldn't. Whatever. Then Tuesday he says he's probably not going but will let me know. So, I text him this morning and asked if he was going away. He says he's not but that he can't visit. He wouldn't say why so I called. Turns out it's more important for him to go out for dinner for Valentine's Day with his girlfriend than to visit his son! I mean, couldn't they have a later dinner? He leaves here at 6pm anyway! I was so furious and upset and EVERYTHING.

On a nice note, Billy (Mum ) bought me a bunch of red roses and a beautiful card for Valentine's Day. That was lovely.

I'm so rambling and I'm sorry for cr*pping on and on but I feel like sh*t and I can't even blame fatigue because I've been in bed all day.

I have to go to Geelong tomorrow for the day - getting my car serviced and visiting work. Can't really be bothered but it has to be done. So, I hope everyone has a good night and a good day tomorrow. Sorry again for all my complaining.

Love to you all.

Kate
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