i wanted delayed clamping, and to leave the vermix on bilby for a few days. to have bilby put on my stomach and to have her first feed straightaway, no being taken away for checks, the checks to be done on her whilst she's on my stomach/chest. and candlelight, not bright lights. soft music. few people. The circus (ambulance ride followed by emergency c-section) stopped any of that.

my nightmare has multiplied. i now am in debt for nearly 20k, all down to dh not filing last two year's tax returns. he has no idea why i am so devastated. i have NEVER been in debt before. Now i will be a person with a bad credit rating. i've never had a loan before, but that's not the point. he hasn't apologised, just told me off for losing weight - conveniently avoiding the fact that that's what happens when i'm under stress - the stress he's putting me thru. Sexually Transmitted Debt i think you call this. the person who loves me, his actions impacting on me and bilby. all i ever hear is, don't nag me, the tax is being done. i'm so sick of hearing that lie.

if i had his group certificates and super documents (the essential stuff), i would take them to an accountatnt and pay for the two returns to be done. just to have this over. instead, he won't look for the important documents, won't ask for copies from pay office and super funds, just ****es around with a database with all the ****y receipts for work related expenses. the non-essential stuff.

i would really miss you lot if i did not have a computer. if i leave him, i will have no computer. the stress of his financial irresponsibility is wearing me down. but bilby is so bonded to him and he is very good with her. i am so torn. if i go, i go without whitegoods, bed, prolly only cot for bilby. i feel sick with worry.

makes the two vandal attacks on his car ($1,000 in insurance excesses), and the threats from the behind us neighbour (dh won't tell cops), pale into comparision.