I wont go into the thoughts and 'wishes' i had after Chelsea was born...but it wasnt nice at all. Other things included not letting any one but ME feed, bath, and hold her etc. Id go to the shops and cover her so no one could see her. Id not even let Craig do anything with her. Slept in separate bed from Craig, spoke to him like he was a piece of rubbish, pushed him away from me. That is the basic stuff....as i said..wont go into it further as it is raw in my mind still. Probably all hurt Craig alot...and it began happening again but not as bad.

Im sorry if ive hurt anyone or offended anyone in what ive said (as in my thoughts of not wanting to live etc). It truly is a hard thing to live with and deal with as well.

My girls and Craig are my life...and im still here today because of them.

Some may think why have more kids if thats how i go afterwards.....yeh good point...hard to explain. Some grieve the loss of a child....i grieve over the loss of not being pregnant. That may sound selfish. Theres no way id get preg just to make me 'happy' either....thats not what i mean.

With Chelsea Craig was going behind my back talking to my health nurse, the hospital....alot of people, trying to get me help. Because i was ignoring him there was no way he could get thru to me as i turned him away. I was worried this time id be the same. I came close to loosing my husband last time...i sure as hell wasnt going to let my brain make me physco again and loose him.

Im sure ive got you all lost and confused and maybe made u think im a nutcase as well...im sorry.