Debate - Raising your kids with religion

[HotI]

My question is, having raised your child according to your faith - what happens if they, of their own choice, decide to follow a different path, one without faith? A path that still follows the principles and morality that your faith teaches, the only difference being that they do not have faith. How do you reconcile this? Is it possible to reconcile your child's choice and be supportive of it whilst remaining true to one's own faith?

My Dad's Mum is a mormon. Dad was excommunicated years ago after he married Mum (he was asked to go to a meeting if he wanted to continue in the church and didn't turn up). However, Nan has said that in the mormon church they can baptise you by proxy, even after you are dead, which then 'saves' you and lets you enjoy the good life. So, although she would like Dad to follow the church now, even if he doesn't she will try to get him to the good side eventually.

This thread has shown that some people try out different religions over their lifetime and sometimes return to their childhood one at some point or incorporate some of their early beliefs with new ones. As a parent, you never say never and although it might hurt if your kids are trying out new religions/beliefs over time they might work out their faith beliefs, and they may be stronger with a deeper understanding than if they had never investigated.

I don't want my kids to believe what i believe because i tell them to, but because they have worked through it themselves and come up with their own conclusions.

[LimeSlice]

Just to run off on yet another tangent here...lol *how unusual for me*

Just pondering kids having different faiths to their parents and Deb's situation with her daughter taking up an Islamic path...
I understand that you are happy with that and will support her whatever she chooses, which I think is wonderful.
With reference to the question of how do parents reconcile their children's faith if it goes in direct opposition to beliefs held by the parents. We have focused a lot on the Christian/Salvation aspect of this, but I have been musing about how I would feel if Charlotte took up path that led her to people that perhaps would have been brought up with such a singular and intolerant view of religion, or had some beliefs (be it culturally or religiously) that affected how they perceive the roles of men and women, health, children, life basically.

This isnt making sense! lol I am trying not to offend anyone. So I will just say it - please dont be offended anyone, I hope what I am asking will be clear, I am taking the thought to the enth degree here...lol

Deb, how would you feel/handle a situation where your DD continued her path as a Muslim woman, and that led her to marriage with a very strict Muslim, with views about women and their roles in family and life that were in direct opposition to yours and how you had raised her as an empowered female?
Obviously her choice in the matter is paramount and if she chooses such a path then that is wonderful for her and her happiness. But how would YOU deal with her marrying a man who believed that she should be subservient to him? Or married a man who was raised in Saudi Arabia and they returned there and its very strict laws? How would you cope if she were in a situation that she chose and accepted as how things should be if her daughters were circumcised?

Like I said, these are obvious extreme examples I am using to illustrate the point. I am by no means suggesting that Muslim men are all abusive or that the faith itself dictates some of the more sensationalised aspects of many Islamic cultures. Just trying to see the extent to which ones endurance in such a delicate personal situation could stretch.
I am not sure if I could be fully supportive of Charlotte if she put herself in a position of disempowerment to any man or faith, if that makes sense. So I suppose this is the dilema of how religion can impact cultural practice. Where it is not the faith itself that sets up a situation, but rather how that faith is interpreted and effected by those who follow it?

[LimeSlice]

It never even occured to me that DD1 wouldn't share her faith with me. Doh! How young were you when you decided to follow and practice a religion other than your parents?

I went through a phase when I was about 13/14 where I decided I would try and immerse myself in God's Word. I wanted to be Christian, I wanted to belong to that, I wanted the hope and love it offered. I tried very hard, began attending a Pre Vat II Catholic Church. That lasted for about 12 months.
I then began to realise that i was pretending? That something was amiss. That I was not getting a clear picture and that I was finding I was seeking not the Word, but the Faith.

I so deperately wanted something to believe in. I had a pretty heavy time in my teens and really wanted to believe in SOMETHING I wanted that devotion I saw in so many people of different religions...I wanted to believe like the Benny Hin followers on TV lol

So I started going to a revival church? They had a band and a big love in sort of place. Lots of arms inthe air and tears and amens - very gospel I suppose. It was great! I loved it. I felt something and it was wonderful
I think this is where I lost my mum lol She is not into all that stuff, was raised and schooled by nuns,etc and very catholic, although she didnt attend church or anything anymore.
But yeah she would roll her eyes at me - which thinking now sounds really horrible, but I understood her and never felt disencouraged. She knew I was going through a phase and knew it woud pass and it did very quickly! I didnt feel the substance.

So then I all of a sudden appeared to be with new people with new ideas whne I was about 16 - and immediately it felt right.

But you cant tell your very straight mother about the Tree of Life and Skyclad rituals in the moonlight...or about the Tuatha De Danann and Faerie...lol So I didnt.
Mum knew I held different beliefs, but it wasnt until she was diagnosed last August that we had a talk about how and what I believed, and she could understand how I was dealing and reacting to her dying through the faith I had Druidry.

I hope your DD will share her spiritual journey with you if you want that, but trust me when I say that it was not a negative experience for me. I felt the freedom to try new ideas on and see how they fit, without anyone knowing my every move, or feeling I would be judged as fickle...It was freedom and that is the essence of how I came upon the path I am one- through embracing and seeking true freedom of my mind from others.

**sorry for the epic response! Felt the explanation was necessary**

[paradise lost]

If my DD grows up to be very religious (given i am not, but the same would be true if she grew up to not be religious when i was) i would not question her so long as she was happy. The same as if she grew up to be homosexual (which i'm not) or very attached to material wealth (which i'm not) or incredibly interested in her appearance (guess what, i'm not! lol!).

To me the relationship a person has between themself and their Faith/God/Allah/Source/Love - whatever they know It to be - is incredibly personal. More personal even than their relationship with their partner. It is NONE of my business what my DD believes unless it is causing her pain and making her deeply unhappy (i.e. if she was in an abusive relationship, which God tends not to go in for). Every person, IMO, has a right to their beliefs. It is easy for me, because i do not believe my way is the only or right way (and i understand why those who do believe that DO believe it - i.e. the quran, bible and torah all state it to be the case, i'm not implying the belief is baseless) so there is a lot of wiggle-room for me. DD could believe a lot of things without it overtly challenging me. I don't have the answers, i don't know the truth, part of the gift i give her by having her at all is the opportunity to go out into the world and see if SHE can make sense of it.

Oscaroscar i was raised by non-relgious parents but had 2 Christian phases, one when i was 8-9 and one when i was 19-20. I began asking "but why do they believe that?" when i was 4 though. My father is an engineer and he demanded i explain my beliefs but loved me despite his inability to understand (it was his probing which highlighted to me the fact that i was "pretending" as Limeslice put it). My mother regarded religion as a crutch, because of HER life experiences, but i know she didn't necessarily think it a worthless one because she included a psalm and a reading from the book of revelations in her otherwise Humanist funeral plan to comfort those friends she had who were Christian.

Bx

[Indadhanu]

"Just wondering if there are any of us, who as a CHILD, practiced a different religion to their parents? Or while living with their parent, practiced a different religion to their parent, and whether any issued arised???"

Yep, but I think I already answered this on for you in my first post lol. No issues, but then my parents believe in re-birth/re-incarnation not heaven so I gues eternal damnation wasn't anything that played into it.

Interesting question though, I always wonder what some people would do if their children turned their back on their parents faith. I think theres this huge expectation for children to adopt the same practice/faith, and I think that when theres no room for movement or flexibility thats when you get kids hiding their faith or deliberatly turning on things they see as connected to that faith in protest IYKWIM. I'm only saying this because it's what I've seen, and I think its interesting words for thought.

[Indadhanu]

Oh interesting question Lime - I am with Bec. Unless the choices Jazz makes are causing her pain (emotional or physical) then its not my place to say she is wrong. Different isn't wrong, its different. I would ask her if she is happy, and if she says yes, and i can see it, thats enough. As long as she is loved, loving, happy, respected and respectful to others, then I would be happy and proud!

[Eugenia]

LS, that is a very interesting question indeed.

Even if your child never leaves your religion they can still take paths that are, well, bizarre. I was thinking something similar the other day, I know a Christian woman whose husband fell into the hands of a Christian cult. They started off appearing helpful and nice but soon started telling them how to live their life and turned him into a controlling, verbally abusive man. The advice she got from all her Christian friends? Leave him, now! Unfortunately she didn't as her beliefs are very anti divorce or separation. How would I handle that if this were my daughter? I would become the interfering MIL everybody hates. I couldn't just sit back and watch even if she claimed that supporting her husband in this made her happy. I would be in there with books, tracts and Bible verses to convince her that the Christianity this group preaches is not the same as that of the Bible. I would be offering real, physical assistance (he took away her car). And, of course, praying A LOT.

[Jennifer13]

This is my take on what my child or any other person in my life may choose wrt religion:

I am not God. My faith is based on my interpretation of what I read, hear and see, and my own experiences. Not being all-knowing, I am in no position to judge anyone else or their life. So how can I write someone off because I do not see their path as being the same as one I would choose? I believe God judges everyone on their merits and is able to take into account all things in this person's life. BUT if I am not true to what I believe, then I would think I am falling short of what can be expected of me. Including in the way I raise my children, regardless of the paths they choose. I agree with Christy, I believe the most important thing is love, and this is what God considers first and foremost.

To illustrate: I left the religion of my parents because when I went to those in authority with a serious problem that they could do something about, they did nothing. Instead, rumours about me were spread and clearly there was no love or Christ-like behaviour among them. It may have been specific to that congregation, or it may be indicative of the entire church, I do not know. But I left and eventually (after a period of non-faith) found a place where all of those things that I believe to be Christian exist, albeit imperfectly. According to my childhood religion, I am excommunicated and devoid of salvation. But they don't really know what God thinks, so they could be right or they could be wrong.

So if I had died while following the first faith, would I have been granted eternal salvation? What about while faith-less? Or now, with my current beliefs? See, to me, I am the same person and this has just been my journey of faith. So if I am worthy of eternal salvation, I believe God will know my heart at each stage, regardless of outward appearances or claims. And if Islam is in fact the one true religion, will Allah judge me harshly because I did not grow up in an environment where I was taught these beliefs and have not examined them for myself? What about those people living in communist China, or tribes in Africa? How are they to evaluate all religions and choose the one that is right?

I personally don't think God is as black and white as that. I think he takes into account our hearts and our spirits outside of our cultural and societal teachings and exposure. I think being true to yourself and what you feel in your heart to be right and spiritual is the best you can do, and God expects you to do your best.

(I should add that I do think there are clear boundaries inherent in humanity and all societies that preclude someone practicing extreme, inhuman behaviour, whether they think it is 'right' or not.)