For the last couple of cycles I've given up on charting, it was too gut wrenching, I over analysed every symptom and convinced myself over and over and over again I was pregnant, so I thought why not just "let things happen".
I knew I was late this cycle, I remember roughly when I had AF but I had put it done to stress, I thought about getting a pregnancy test but forgot about it. I started spotting that night and thought "well thank goodness I didn't waste my money". The brown spotting stopped for a day. Then the bright red bleeding and pain started and kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse.
After an ultra sound this afternoon it turns out I was/am pregnant but it isn't going to stick. I haven't even told DH, I don't see the point.
More than anything I'm so angry with myself, so angry that I keep chasing this impossible dream, this fantasy. I can't help but think about to my first m/c, I called my father to tell him on the saturday and on the sunday he hung himself, I regretted I was pregnant, maybe he did it because he felt there wouldn't be room in my life for him anymore after we had reconnected after all those years. I bought my m/c upon myself, maybe that's why it keeps happening.
There's no point in seeing a Dr about it because DH doesn't believe in forcing it "what will be, will be". I understand this from him, he's worried about losing me during other pregnancies. So why am I stupid enough to keep pushing this?
Over the next 6 weeks I know 6 girls that are due...I can't face facebook at the moment. I feel awful that I don't want to know about it, I'm just over it. I'm happy for them, I just don't want to be a part of it right now, I know that's wrong.
DH just keeps looking at me asking "whats wrong?" but what's the point, nothing can fix theres no point in telling him. There's no point in telling any of my friends..last time I got "well at least you know you can still get pregnant", yeah that helps.
I just need to face the fact I've bought this on myself and I can't keep chasing after something that will never happen.
No need to reply, I just had to get something out somewhere before I exploded trying to keep all this to myself.
Hugs hun I am sorry for your loss, but please understand you did not bring this on yourself.
You shouldn't need to hold all this pain on your own, is there someone you can talk to and cry with.
I know when I had a mc for my first preg I only told a few close friends and they were awesome support and there for me.
To start with this is not your fault, you have not done anything wrong.
You are doing your best under hard circumstances .
I am really sorry this has happened again , and that it is bringing up some hard memories
Don't feel bad for needing some space away from some people , its ok , you need to do what you need to do, think of you .
I don't have the right words, i don't know what to say , all i can say is that you know i am here for you, to say what i can, to listen ,just to be there if you need
Last edited by CinderToriella; November 20th, 2010 at 05:52 AM.
ooohhhh precious girl. I'm so sad for you. You have not brought this on yourself....please don't think that.
God, I've thought about this and had this post open since you posted it, and I really wish I had some fabulously comforting or wise words. But I don't. I wish I could do something for you.
I am so sorry you are going thru all this again I know you don't want to say anything, but really it would help... I am struggling with my recent m/c and I think talking about it has helped me, cos the days I bottle it all up is when I seem to fight with DF...then it all comes out...
We are all here for support...and I know the feeling of having friends who are pregnant or due, my 2 sisters are pregnant and I have about 6 friends due to have babies within the next 3 months as much as I want to be happy for them, i'm stuggling to be
Big hugs for you and don't forget if u don't want to talk to DH, just talk to us
I echo all the thoughts of the other ladies here. I know you probably find it hard to believe, because I have been there & sometimes still am, but you haven't done anything to lose 6 babies, it's nobodys fault. They just aren't ready to join you & your family yet. Why this is, I don't know.... I wish I knew b/c then I would have the same questions answered for me. And you are not chasing an impossible dream, you are trying to fulfill one that isn't quite ready to formulate yet.
I think you should tell your DH, not just for the support you need, but he has a right to know - it is his baby too. And if his response is the same as it has been in the past, at least he knows and he might start to understand your emotions atm.
Don't feel awful for not being able to deal with baby/pg announcements - you have a right to deal with your emotions how you want & need to & if that means shutting yourself away from that sort of stuff, then do it. There is nothing worse than pretending to be happier than you are for someone - it only makes what you are going through harder to deal with later on.
Have you thought about counselling, for your grief? I went once & found it helped to release the tension, anger, sadness & work through the grief.
I'm also sorry to hear about your Dad & your first angel baby and that this loss is bringing up those painful memories.
Sweetheart, this is SO not your fault I don't know why it happens so often to so many women, and I understand completely your not wanting to tell your DH. I know I didn't want to with my latest one, I didn't want to tell him I was pregnant because I knew it would only end. Why upset two people? He can't do anything, and he'll only feel helpless.
But then I realised that while I was losing yet another beloved child - so was he. He was the Father. I decided that he deserved to know, and that my child deserved to be grieved by BOTH of its parents. Yes, it was hard. I think it was harder still because I hadn't quite accepted it myself, both that I was pregnant and that I was losing it again. Saying it out loud made it real, and cut me like a knife. But it allowed the grieving, and eventually the healing to start, for both of us.
Thanks again everyone but I have decided not to tell him, at the moment I think it would be for the best, he's going through a lot a work at the moment and I don't want to burden him further.
None of this is your fault, hun. It's so ok to be 'over it' and not want to hear others pregnancy news at a time like this. I think I spent a good couple of years ignoring all pg announcements etc. It's not wrong to feel crap about your own misfortune and grieve.
I really think you should tell your husband about this mc. What's the point? To be able to look to him in a sad time for comfort and support. That's what husbands are for. This was his baby too and I think as much as it's noble to spare him the heartache, he wouldn't want you to go through this alone, and he would want to know what happened. Nothing good can come from keeping such a burden to yourself, at least that's my opinion. I've said to my DP in the past 'turn to me, not away'. I think this one applies right now. Please turn to your husband and share your grief.
I'm so sorry it's been so hard for you. I hope you can find the strength to continue and finally achieve the dream of expanding your family. If you don't wish to try anymore, then I hope you can find peace in that decision.
About the whole Dr thing... perhaps your DH would be ok with you undergoing some testing just for yourself. If he doesn't wish to do the same that's okay, and his choice. Just a thought.
Last edited by forshelby; November 21st, 2010 at 04:06 PM.
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Another one
I know you don't want to say anything, but really it would help... I am struggling with my recent m/c and I think talking about it has helped me, cos the days I bottle it all up is when I seem to fight with DF...then it all comes out...
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