Edward Thomas, born sleeping 24.04.08

[Rozzie27]

Hello ladies,

I'm new to this forum, having recently lost our first child. I feel the need to share our story and hope you will indulge me.

It's been two weeks since I last felt my son kick, a a week and a half since I was told he had passed, a week and a day since he was born, and a day since we watched his little coffin descend to be cremated.

We'd tried for a year to conceive, and after a laparoscopy that diagnosed and removed endometriosis, I fell pregnant straight away. We were thrilled and surprised, considering the doctor had told us to go onto IVF (which was a difficult prospect to deal with) and my husband was working away from me, and we only saw each other once that month. It seemed quite strange after all those months of trying!!!

My joy soon turned to fear as I felt pains and was concerned the pregnancy was ectopic. Blood tests and an ultrasound confirmed this was not the case, however then from researching I discovered my progesterone was very high, and was then worried it was molar... when we had a 7 week ultrasound and saw the little heartbeat we were so happy, but were still terrified of miscarriage till we hit the 12 week mark. That day came and I was happy. This was short lived as I had two bouts of bleeding. The doctor did an ultrasound though and all was well, and we saw our baby sitting up waving his arms and it was magical.

From then on I had a textbook pregnancy, and the 20 week ultrasound was perfect, though my placenta was low. We were so happy, it was a wonderful, magical time. I went away on a two week course and on the first Friday, noticed it had been a few hours since baby had kicked. I felt a couple of small kicks and was relieved. These were to be the last I felt. I went to my parents' house on the weekend, already concerned at the lack of movement. This concern increased as time went on. It was compounded by the fact my sister and brother and his family were also there- my sister also pregnant and 4 weeks ahead of me, my brother with his two little girls. My poor husband was at home with some friends who were staying with us, the wife also pregnant with a boy about the same age. I called the hospital and spoke to a midwife who said this was not unusual for a baby of 22 weeks. I was reassured, as I'd not been able to get hold of my doctor. I went back to my course.

The Monday Alec called the doctor who said to get the doppler on, and it was likely all was fine. I went to the medical centre on base (I'm in the military) and the kind doctor went through the paces, but all he could hear was my heartbeat. He went away to arrange an ultrasound while I called Alec, who tried to be strong for me but was also terrified. He came back and said one was arranged in about 4 hours time. He then told me to prepare myself, things did not look promising. It was then I lost it. I spent the next few hours in the ward, just waiting for time to go by, crying, terrified. The time came and they took me. The operator said she hoped to give me good news. I watched the screen and saw a round figure which I saw her label, one letter at a time, 'chest'. I saw no heartbeat and asked her, she said no.

Time after that was a blur, though mercifully Alec was able to squeeze himself on the last flight out. I waited for him, crying. When he arrived we held each other.

I was induced a few days later, though after only a few hours, one emotionally painful contraction and then the mercy of pethadine, an exam confirmed I had full placenta praevia and I went into surgery. I lost a litre of blood and was dozey for the rest of the day. Alec told me that the doctor said he was perfect, a beautiful boy. I slept on and off thinking of seeing him, wanting to but apprehensive. Finally that evening we asked to see our son. The nurse brought him in, and Alec picked him up and cried, saying it was the closest he's ever come to him. Then we both held him, took pictures. It seemed so surreal, looking back I was in shock and dulled from morphiene. I can't believe I didn't cry when I was with him, I cry so easily. The next day I went home, my mother arrived and they took care of me. Those few days are a blur, but that night I felt my breasts start to harden, and when I woke up they were hard and sore. It didn't seem fair, there was no baby to feed, just a painful reminder. On the Monday Alec and I went and bought a tree for Edward, a beautiful weeping Japanese Maple that was bright red, which we would place his ashes under.

Two days ago we went to the funeral home to prepare Edward. He had gotten smaller, I was shocked when I saw him. I felt like telling the funeral lady that this wasn't the way he really was, he was more beautiful that what you could see. We wrapped him in a bunny rug and blanket his father had bought for him and placed him in his tiny coffin, with flowers from the garden and some of the leaves from the maple, as well as a teddy bear. I held him and cried so many tears over his tiny body. Alec read to him a letter we had written, saying all the things we wanted him to know.

The next day we went back. I held his coffin as we travelled to the crematorium and placed him. We again said our words of love, that he would always be in our hearts. Then we watched him descend out of sight.

Sorry this is so long ladies, it feels like I need to tell the whole story. So far it seems I've written without much emotion, I'm sure you appreciate that I feel so much and so deeply regardless. All the plans we made seemed so certain, I now feel like I'm floating with no direction. We have moments where we smile and things feel ok, and I feel like I can continue some semblance of life, but then soon enough the tears come back. Alec returns to work next Monday, and although Mum and Dad are coming down for a few days, soon enough I know I will be on my own, and it scares me. I think about our little boy and don't know how I can handle the anniversaries, the dute date and the 'meant to bes'. So many of our family and friends are either expecting or have new babies, and I can't understand why they all have no problems and our baby passed away. I accept that there is probably no cause for Edward's death, and that we are simply unlucky. But we didn't know this kind of thing happened, and for all my worry at the beginning about problems, in the end it was all fruitless, and it was something I didn't even know about that took out baby away. I do find comfort know that other women experience this, and am grateful you're all here to show me that, though of course I wish none of us were in this situation.

I want to do our son the honour of living our lives to the full as he couldn't, of honouring his gift to us of greater love for each other and for him, and of not taking for granted the gifts we have. For all our pain and loss, I am so grateful that I was able to be his mother and experience his little body inside me. We want to have a little brother or sister for Edward soon, though I know I'll be terrified the entire time. It seems particularly cruel that our first was taken, our house is still without children and there is no-one to care for.

I would appreciate any advice anyone has for me, regardless of how relevant!!! Your experiences of pregnancy after loss would be particularly precious.

For my baby boy, Edward Thomas. You'll always be in our hearts.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

omg hunni that is so sad. Im sooo sorry that this happened to you, i wouldnt wish it on anyone. I know its hard but try not to think of the bad things..remember the good things. When u look up at the sky at night and u see that twinkling star, just remember that is ur precious son shining down on you... lots of hugs to u and ur DH..xox

[widdly]

Welcome to Belly Belly Rozzie, and huge hugs to you. You have come to the right place, i have no doubt that you will recieve an abundance of love and support in here. You are an incredible woman to be so strong and to have such a great outlook on life. It really touched me that you said you and your DH and concentrating on living your lives to the fullest for Edward as he hasn't had the chance to do, that is such a beautiful thing. i have no doubt that Edward is THE most beautiful baby boy. Im sure it wont be too long and Edward will be a big brother looking down on his precious siblings.

Please know that now you have come here you are never alone, you can just switch on the computer and we are all here for you anytime.

[LuluHB]

Oh Rozzie. My heart breaks for you. Your beautiful little boy Edward was lucky to be given such a mummy as you and I'm sure he's looking down on you now with a heart full of love.

The immediate road ahead for you and your DH is so hard and unfortunately there is nothing any of us can do or say to make it easier for you. It takes time, strength and love for each other to get through but you WILL get through. My first three pregnancies ended in loss - one ectopic and two miscarriages. With each your heart breaks and you lose a little of yourself and I certainly felt by the third that I just couldn't continue, that I didn't feel I could deal with any more heartache. Thankfully with the support of my DH we did and today we celebrated the first birthday of our beautiful daughter. My pregnancy with her was "boringly normal" as my OB put it but I was a complete mess the whole way through. There are the horrible milestones to pass of previous losses, that "just get to the end of the 1st trimester and I'll be ok", only to find a new fear takes over. As my daughter was born I heard my OB say that the cord was around her neck. It was what I had been expecting - I never thought I would be given the gift of a child. It was not until my beautiful crying girl was placed on my chest that I believed.

My DD was born on the 1st anniversary of my last miscarriage and I like to think that she is the same little soul who had tried unsuccessfully to reach us in the past. Any day now her little sister should arrive. Pregnancy with her has been easier - I think knowing you CAN do this helps get you through.

For now, be kind on yourself and lean on your loved ones for support. The ladies on BB are amazing and talking to women who know just what you're going through is such a help. You have been robbed in the worst possible way of the joys that pregnancy can bring, but you have not been robbed of never having a brother or sister for Edward. Don't give up hope.

[tiggerlinda]

So sorry to hear your story be kind and look after you and DH I am sure Edward is a special little boy

[Spring Angel]

Dear Rozzie

My heart is breaking for you. I lost my first son Harrison at 36weeks 2 days and at the time I did not want to go on. Life felt pointless, like I had lost all purpose. How could life be so unfair and cruel. Your pain must still be so raw at the moment, allow yourself time to grieve. Yell, shout, cry, sob be angry, confused, sad basically do anything that you need to.

When I first lost Harry I felt so alone, like there was no one else in the world that could understand this pain or know what it feels like but I then found the wonderful women on BB and realised that I was not alone and that it is possible to suvive this pain and even be happy again.

I went on to fall pregnant with my earth baby Oliver and gave birth to him almost 8 months ago. So it is possible to go on and one day you will hold your earth baby.

For now, take care of yourself, mourn your precious little Edward Thomas and know that he will always be your baby boy.

With support and understanding
Lv Spring.

[Tobily]

Rozzie I am so, so sorry. I don't have the words to make you feel better (could there be any?), I just wanted to give you a
Rest in peace beautiful baby Edward.

[Snoopea]

Rozzie,

I'm sorry for your loss, you've got me crying, I can feel the love you have for your son and I know you will be fine.
It's not easy to get on with life after a loss, especially one of this magnitude. To be reminded by all those pregnant bellies will cause heartbreak every time, we're all here for you and you'll find the bellybelly website warm and welcoming! (I'm a newbie too around 2.5 months now).
Kelly

[Rozzie27]

Thankyou all so much to those who replied, you words are a great comfort. I'm usually an introverted person comfortable to be alone, but I know I'll need more support through this time, and I know I'll find plenty in these forums.

Thanks again, I'll be monitoring the pages in the painful weeks to come.

Rozzie

[feeb]

Huge hugs I am so sorry and sad to read your story.

BB is a great place for support I hope you find what you are looking for here.


xoxoxox

[~ Mylitta ~]

Rozzie, I am so terribly sorry to read about the loss of your beautiful son, Edward. Your post has had me in tears! It's been 1 week and 1 day since I learnt at 8 weeks and 1 day that my baby was no longer with us. It was devastating so I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have your son pass away at 22 weeks You sound like you are being incredibly strong, but I know how your (and your DH's) heart must be breaking.

I think that your mapel tree is an absolutely beautiful idea. It will give you something to look upon while you cherish the memories of the special times (albeit not long enough by far) you both had with Edward, such as seeing him wave at you during scans. My DH and I don't own our own home yet, so we've decided against a tree for our baby, but instead I am having a star named in honour of our silent angel.

Take as much time as you need for yourself during this sad time, and remember that anything you are feeling is the right thing to feel. There are no wrong ways to cope with grief, so if it makes you feel better to laugh or cry or scream, then do it.

My thoughts are with you, your DH, and Edward.

[Angel Babies 3]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. I am thinking of you.

I hope this site can offer you help and comfort just as it has for me. So many ladies willing to listen and share your pain.

Love and a big hug to you,
Debbie

[alioops]

Hun I am in tears reading your stoy, which is not agood thing when I am on the main reception desk. i hope you get the support you need hun and I hope that sometime soon you can have your forever baby.

[jo76]

i am not sure what to say to you as your story bought me to tears, but i am writing more to say you are not alone as there are so many people on this forum who are here to support you. We know in one way or another what you are feeling as unfortuneatly there are many of us, including myself that have experienced that moment in the ultrasound that you are told there is no heartbeat. i am now 5 months on from that moment and i have still had my share of heartbreaking times. you don't have to ever forget your child, but it will day by day become a little more bearable! My sons EDD is tomorrow and i have already bawled at the least likely moments today. Sending you many hugs for the days ahead of you! rant and rave, say whatever you need to here, this forum has literally been my lifeline.

[Lisa]

Rozzie,
I am so sorry and saddened to hear about the loss of your perfect angel baby Edward Thomas.
Please be kind to yourself, allow youself to grieve... and most of all please know there are many of us here who have shed a tear or 100 for you and your beautiful baby.

After losing my son Noah in Feb 2006, all I could do is cry... so I cried until it hurt, and I screamed when I needed to scream... and I was angry when I felt like my heart was torn from me and taken away with my baby. It is a pain that no one should feel, and sadly many of us have and do.
Thinking of you and keeping you in my heart and prayers
Lisa

[Kaz78]

Hi Rozzie,

I too have had a stillborn baby. In May 2006 i gave birth to my beautiful baby boy Zachary, he was only 24 weeks 3 days. I know exactly how much your heart is aching right now. To have all your plans maped out and to have it taken away from you so quickly. It took me soooo long to figure out where i was. I changed my job, lost a heap of weight and even painted my walls a different colour. Just to find some kind of answer and hoping it would make me feel a lot better. In the end i got through it by having my close friends/ family and meeting an absolutely wonderful friend through SANDS. And with friends who can understand what you are going through (especially through this web site) you will find your challenging healing process a little more comforting to get through, knowing we are all here to support you. If ever you would like to chat, give me a holler. I am so sorry to here of your loss. And i am giving you a tight and extra big hug.

My thoughts are with you.

Love Karen.

[MsPink]

Rozzie,

Thankyou for sharing your story with us.

I have tears streaming down my face and can only imagine your sadness and pain.

You told of Edward's delivery with such emotion and touching sadness.

My deepest sympathies to both you and your DH.

[blizz]

I have no advice and don't know the right words to offer for comfort, I just wanted to offer my support to you and your family and say how sorry I am for your precious lost Angel