Heartbroken.....did I do something wrong?

Clairebear · September 27th, 2007, 02:25 PM

I found out yesterday that at 6wks and 5 days my beautiful baby had no heartbeat.

What an absolutely horrible thing to have to endure...the vision of that empty cold space will stay with me forever.You know even thoug my hcg wasn't rising properly and I was told to expect the worst...I still FELT pregnant,I still hoped until that very last sec that it would all be ok. The embryologist and doctors joked with me at my transfer that I should be prepared for twins because they looked so healthy...and now look at me without even one.

I am so very sad,so angry and feel so guilty. Did they not know how much I wanted them,did I do something wrong? It was all looking so good until they came to me.

We told so many people and now already have had to deal with them looking at me aukwardly because they don't know what to say.I should never have told anyone,it's made it harder...although those I did tell for the most part have been amazing....am blessed to have them.
We have no embryos left,no chance of eggs and no donor.
I feel like I have let my husband down and denied my DD a brother or sister...and God she asks for one nearly every day.I am so very lucky to have them both and my DD thankfully means I have to pick myself up and get on with it. 5 year olds have no time for sitting!

My emotions range from being totally lost in space,to pure rage where I could just throw something accross the room and then to a sobbing mess feeling so sorry for myself.But I am sure you all know what this feels like,some so much more than others and I am truly so sorry that any of us have to go through this horrible sadness.

:hugs: to each and every one of you and I

that we never have to experience this again.

Claire

**jlk** · September 27th, 2007, 02:36 PM

Oh hun, I'm so, so sorry!

**krisp** · September 27th, 2007, 03:06 PM

Oh Claire, I'm so sorry for your loss, it's just heartbreaking. Do you have a sister or a close friend that you could ask to be an egg donor for you? I don't know what your circumstances are but maybe, just maybe there is still some hope for you out there.

I wish you all the best and hope that a miracle stops by your house very soon. xxx

**Spring Angel** · September 27th, 2007, 03:20 PM

Oh sweetie, my heart just breaks for you. Please don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault.

Just be kind to yourself, it is ok to be sad/angry/guilty/mad/heartbroke

Big :hugs: coming you way.

Lv Spring

**chris** · September 27th, 2007, 03:34 PM

Claire
You didn't do anything wrong!!! Write it on the mirror so when you look at yourself you can see it, tell yourseft It wasn't my fault.
I understand it is hard, I haven't gone through IVF or anything like that but I have difficulty to falling preg. Due to medical probs.

What do you mean by no eggs???

Big Hugs

Take care
Chris

**chris** · October 3rd, 2007, 01:31 PM

Hi claire
I hope you don't mind me asking but what do you mean by no more eggs??
I thought all wome were born with enough eggs to last till they go into menopause. I am 37 also and am TTC and never thought about not having enough eggs. How do you find out how many eggs you have left???
Take care
Chris

**diva det** · September 27th, 2007, 03:27 PM

I AM just SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS!!!!
take care and we are here if you need us
odette

**castle** · September 27th, 2007, 03:45 PM

Claire, you did nothing wrong. We mums tend to blame ourselves because we are usually the glue that holds things together. I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your little babies. HUGS.

**treelo** · September 27th, 2007, 04:33 PM

oh sweety this is so heartbreaking. Im sorry for your loss and we are all here for you whenever you need us.

hugs
treelo

tryagain · September 27th, 2007, 04:57 PM

clairebear, so sorry to hear your sad sad news. I know how you feel having just been through the same thing myself (and yes, still trying to get back on track physically and emotionally).

I know exactly what you mean about still feeling pregnant despite the m/c and also about feeling so silly and awkward having spread the good news already and now having to spread the bad.

This forum has helped me alot to see the encouraging replies and stories of people who have been through the same (or worse) and have survived.

I hope it helps you just as much to know that there are many of us out there who can share and feel your pain.

Good luck in the coming days trying to come to grips with your loss and extra extra HUGS for you!!!

**satya** · September 27th, 2007, 06:41 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. You know deep down you didn't do anything to cause it, but we all think that way from time to time. It's really hard when you've told people and trying to get those few words out after a m/c is incredibly hard to do but it has to be done.

Grieve your loss, cry as much as you need to. I still cry now and then over my losses, usually completely out of the blue.... in fact I've done it a lot lately. I found the support I got in the m/c threads was what got me through as no one IRL seemed to understand what I was going through. Be prepared for some heartless comments from people who just don't understand at all. Just take it on the chin and write about it in here. We understand. Take care.

**munchy** · September 27th, 2007, 06:57 PM

Claire you have done nothing wrong honey and dont think that you did i am so so sorry to hear of you loss it must be so heartbreaking and it does make it harder the more people you have told as it feels like you have to repeat everything and tell them what happened i really hope that as time goes on it gets a little easier for you my thoughts are with you at this sad time sending big

to you honey take care of yourself.

Munchy xxx

**butterfly_warrior** · September 27th, 2007, 07:11 PM

Claire - I've just got one thing to say - YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!

I know all too well the empty screen, it's a heartbreak nobody deserves to endure, yet there are all too many who have. I wish I had more to say, but I'm crying tears for your loss as well as my own right now - it's all too familiar.

Claire, I hope you don't mind me answering the following... Caro, if you read Claire's sig you'll see that she has suffered premature ovarian failure. She cannot produce her own eggs. If she has no donor, there's no chance of another go. Which makes the heartbreak all the worse.

BW

**dusty** · September 27th, 2007, 07:15 PM

oh hun,
i am so sorry to hear this news. this TTC thing is so hard and i think especially when you have done IVF cycles. if you need to chat just PM to let me know or anything.
my heart goes out to you and your DH. you didn't do anything wrong hun, you know that, but it is so hard to find understanding in the unexplainable.
give yourself the space to grieve and use BB to vent etc if you need to. there are many here that understand your pain and anger and can give to you.

:hugs:

dusty (your LTTTC2WW buddy)

**Netti** · September 27th, 2007, 07:19 PM

So sorry claire- sending you a great BIG hug

**Auntie M** · September 28th, 2007, 06:53 AM

oh, i am so sorry for your loss. you are normal to feel the way you do, but you did nothing wrong, my dear. hugs to you, m

**MistyFying** · September 28th, 2007, 07:01 AM

Claire I'm so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve before you decide where to from here. Sending you a big

as you walk through this difficult and very sad time.

**Leila** · September 28th, 2007, 08:40 AM

Clarie i am so sorry for you loss. There are a lot of us in this forum who have endured pain similar to yours and are able to offer advice from our situations. Take time to yourself, don't place any blame on yourself at all and take comfort in those around you. My thoughts are with you at this time.