Thinking of you today It is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do.............it will feel like a blur, it will feel surreal, it will feel heartbreaking - no-one should ever have to bury their child...........I'm sorry.
Yesterday was indeed a very difficult day. It was honestly just what I needed though.
There was a nice intimate sized gathering, and some people who I never expected to come did and others I thought would be there weren't. Its a true testiment to who really holds you dear (exceptions made to those who couldn't come for various reasons).
Nikitas service flew by, and yet seemed to drag on. I absolutely "lost it" when Chris and I walked into the Church (side door entrance before the service because I would never have handled all those people without a good cry) I sobbed the whole way through the service. Chris delivered the Eulogy really well and only came close to tears right at the end where we had written a special note to Niki.
I don't know much about churches, I only go to them for Funerals or Marriages (I hate them for this very reason) but where Nikita's ashes were put, through the entire service the sun shone through a lead light window and beautiful colours where on the little wooden box. It was so beautiful. I wonder if they are built with this type of thing in mind.
We scattered her ashes here at home between two very old blue gums that were planted in memory of first generation and we will plant another blue gum in memory of 6th generation in between. We'll also be building a small memorial garden here at home in our back yard abd a little plaque will be popped next to @nd Generations head stone in an old cemetry close by.
Melham Thank you so so much for that beautiful poem. Not being a religious person I was having great difficulties with the suggestions of versus from the bible to be used for the service, there were none that seemed to be for babies or children. I burst into tears when I read that (literally right at the last minute before finalising details for yesterday) and insisted that it be read. I hope you don't mind me using it. It was the one time through the whole service that I heard other people crying.
After yesterday, I feel surprisingly calm. Still sad but my little girl is home now and the farm feels different. The old house was full of people yesterday and when they left it was like th eold house and all the ancestors were here and hiving us a hug.
I will post Nikita's Eulogy for others to read, hopefully it will offer some comfort to those who have also lost their children or help others write their own.
Nae - I am so very very sorry for your loss. It is never easy. I too cried when I read Metham's poem. It is very beautiful. I am sorry you have had to go thru such a heartbreaking time. Give yourself time to grieve, and it is so very normal feeling the way you do. Time is what is needed to help mend your broken heart.
So sorry I havent come on earlier..... Lots of
Its now been one month since Nikita became an angel.
Admittedly I still find myself close to tears most days, and this feeling of weight is constantly on my chest but I have found a few things help. I light a candle most days and hubby and I are still doing her memorial garden. I have compiled a book with all her cards in it, both Birth and Death.
We have set her urn up in our living room with a couple of her smaller toys a lion for her strength and a horse for her free spirit, a little picture of her with Dads wedding band on and her Kiva teddy that we got her when we were in the NICU dept at the womens hospital. Its a nice spot, not so obvious when you enter the room but part of the place where we sit and eat, watch tv etc.
We try to find the blessings in losing Niki and there are so many, it has brought DH and I closer together than we ever have been. Its brought our families closer. Nikita may have had so many problems that her "quality" of life may not have been high.
Still, no amount of positive thinking takes the longing for my baby away, the process of finalising everything is long and drawn out. We are still waiting for information on getting a plaque to go on the grave of her great great great grandparents site, and paying all the bills relating to her funeral. We are still chasing a fancy birth certificate from BDM. Trying to find the positives when dealing with all this stuff is challenging but it does help ease the intensity of it all.
I hope others who may read this try to look for the positives no matter how hard it is even on the darkest days. They are there and they will comfort you and help you move through each day.
Oh Nae. I am so sad for you hun, but so very proud of you too. You are such a strong person and a real inspiration to others. As you know, we are all here for you, praying for you, thinking of you, crying with you.
I am sure that things will get easier for you over time. Your little girl with always be in your heart, guiding you through the tough times.
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