Its now been one month since Nikita became an angel.

Admittedly I still find myself close to tears most days, and this feeling of weight is constantly on my chest but I have found a few things help. I light a candle most days and hubby and I are still doing her memorial garden. I have compiled a book with all her cards in it, both Birth and Death.

We have set her urn up in our living room with a couple of her smaller toys a lion for her strength and a horse for her free spirit, a little picture of her with Dads wedding band on and her Kiva teddy that we got her when we were in the NICU dept at the womens hospital. Its a nice spot, not so obvious when you enter the room but part of the place where we sit and eat, watch tv etc.

We try to find the blessings in losing Niki and there are so many, it has brought DH and I closer together than we ever have been. Its brought our families closer. Nikita may have had so many problems that her "quality" of life may not have been high.

Still, no amount of positive thinking takes the longing for my baby away, the process of finalising everything is long and drawn out. We are still waiting for information on getting a plaque to go on the grave of her great great great grandparents site, and paying all the bills relating to her funeral. We are still chasing a fancy birth certificate from BDM. Trying to find the positives when dealing with all this stuff is challenging but it does help ease the intensity of it all.

I hope others who may read this try to look for the positives no matter how hard it is even on the darkest days. They are there and they will comfort you and help you move through each day.

Nae x