I am searching for something. I don't know what it is or where to find it. I lost my son at 23 weeks and 4 days due to hypercoiling of his cord. The cord split at his belly button and he died. I try explaining it to myself but it still doesn't seem possible. I would be due next month and I am having a hard time with that. I've read up on hypercoiling and I am in counciling but I can't tell if it helps. The more info I get the more upset I am that this happened. I want to try again but I don't know if I am all the way ready. My husband won't talk about it. All he can say is we'll see. I know it's hard for him I just wish I knew what he was thinking.
I still get angry at other pregnant woman, esp. those who aren't taking care of themselves. I want to shake them and ask if they realize how precious the baby is inside of them. I want to scream the next time someone says it takes time or this too shall pass. I know it's true but it doesn't help. I just want something to help ease this pain.
I know this is still "new" to me but I just want to be done with it. I know it sounds horrible but I can't help the fact that life as I knew it is over. I am more angry then anything right now.
I want to try again in the near future but I don't want to feel like it's a replacement baby or to cover up these feelings.
I have 2 wonderful healthy boys as it is and wonder if I should just stop. Maybe it was God's way of telling me that I am done.
Does anyone have any advice? Personal experience after having a child this far along and then getting pregnant again?
HI honey, give yourself time to grieve, and as much time as you need. After my losses the only way I felt as tho I could function and move forward was to TTC as soon as it was possible. Once I was pg again, it felt like I was whole. I am not saying that it was easy once pg, as you are anxious, stressed and worried about every little thing, as it is something you cant control once you have experienced a loss. I never relaxed in my pgcy until I had passed the stage I was of my furtherest loss. Even tho you still worry, once you pass that stage it seems easier to cope and you begin to feel your dream of a forever bub being more real and reachable. Dont feel as tho you are replacing your bub, as it isnt the way it is, it is the want to have another child in your lives that keeps you going.
You will always remember you angel, as your baby was apart of you and always will be. Your dreams you had for your angel was also real.
Your dreams for your next bub will also be real, but will be for that bub. You definately wont be replacing your angel.
I too had 2 boys before my loss, and couldnt understand why I couldnt hold onto my angels when my pgcy's with my boys had no problems. I even blamed myself, felt as tho maybe I did something wrong.
Then after falling pg again I ended up speaking to an OB who advised that I needed to be on aspirin. So my story is different to yours, but I now have 3 beautiful DD's. A total of 4 m/cs, but have been able to bring home 3DD's.
I am not going to say that I feel complete, as I dont, I have lost my angels which is why I dont feel complete. I wont ever feel complete, part of me is with each of my angels, but being able to have my DD"s added to my family has definately helped heal the pain of my losses, IYKWIM.
I hope in some small way that me writing this to you has helped, but I am also so very glad you are getting councilling. It helps being able to talk to someone that wont judge you for how you feel but just listen, I didnt feel as tho I could talk to anyone like friends or family without getting comments that I didnt want to hear. So having there support was great for me. I hope it is helping you. hugs
Oh hun: I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. I too lost a son and I know how sad you must be feeling. It is a very confusing time, trying to figure out what went on. Life feels like it's spinning out of control but frozen still at the same time.
I lost my son at 36 weeks and I felt like my life was over. DH dealt with it very differently, he got back into work and tried to disctract himself but I felt like I just couldn't move on. I think many people who've lost babies find that their DH's deal with the grief in much different ways.
We went on to have another boy, and are now expecting our third baby, it is a long and difficult path but you will find happiness again. Only you and DH will know if trying again is right for you and your family.
Spring Angel : Thank you for the kind words. Its bad enough losing him at 23 weeks but 36 has to be worse. I am so sorry.
I can see a small light at the end of my tunnel but it's reaching it that is becoming a problem. I am trying to do all the right things, but I am finding out that there really isn't much more I can do. I want to stay strong for my boys, and positive for my husband but it's so hard.
csab: I guess that is how I am feeling. I just want to TTC again and want that desire to feel complete again. My arms ache with such an empty pain that I can't even describe. I just know that it is important to make sure that I have given myself time to grieve. Some days I feel ok, happy even but then I feel like I am falling back down the tunnel and that is what is stopping me from wanting to try again. I don't think I could make it through another loss. My fear of going through this again, is too great. I don't know how you and all the other women survive more than one loss. But sharing like this helps. It helps me feel that I am not alone with this heartache.
Hi,
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. I too lost my son at 24wks and I really feel your pain. There will be good days and bad days, for me it's been three years since Emmanuel was born sleeping and his memories remain always in my heart. I too wanted to TTC straight away, not to replace my son but I think the feeling of emptyness was so great but I also like you had a great fear of loss again and thought I'd never be able to cope with another loss. We had 3 healthy children already and it was hard to stay strong for them. I fell pregnant 8mths later and although I was so scared throughout my pregnancy we had a beautiful healthy girl who brings so much joy to our family, we were truly blessed. I just want to encourage you not to give up, it's a long and hard road but you will get there. Just take day by day and let yourself grieve in whatever way you feel. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Regards,
Dianne
Emmanuel born sleeping 24wks
Trisomy 13
Sweety, I too felt the same about not coping if I had another loss, but somehow I did cope. It did seem helpless, and I would cry day in and day out and I did not want to go on. I even sat there telling my DH that I didnt want to be here anymore. The pain was just too great, I felt like I couldnt breathe and if I did it hurt to breathe. The only time I felt capable of coping was when I was UTD, funny to think that, but it truly was. I just dont know how I would have coped if I didnt keep trying.
My DH handled things differently too. I believe it was because he needed to be strong for me and our 2 DS"s. I used to think that he didnt care, and that I was the only one going thru this pain, but they do feel differently. They arent the ones carrying the bubs, they dont get as much time to bond like we do. It isnt until they see and hold and touch their bub do they truly bond. We also are the ones that go thru from start to finish with a loss, so we feel it physically and mentally.
I know that the end of this pain seems far, but you are definately strong, it is amazing where us women find the strength but we do. lots of hugs
I am truly sorry that you are going thru this most difficult time. I only wish I knew BB existed when I lost my first, the people on here are just wonderful and offer so much support, I hope you continue to come on here, as you really arent alone.
Hypercoiled Cord Loss at 23 wks...whats next?
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