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Thread: If you don't have anything nice to say...

  1. #1
    maverick Guest

    Default If you don't have anything nice to say...





    I was told last Monday that my pregnancy was actually a blighted ovum. I was devastated when I found out and was crying but not hysterical. I felt like my doctor, and my husband no less, were treating me like I was a candidate for an asylum. And I know the doctor "has" to take that position but I did not appreciate it just the same. Physically I am ok except for some cramping, but emotionally I feel empty. I am so tired of people telling me, "Oh you can just try again." You would think that I lost a softball game. Is it really that easy to just try again? Is that all there is to it? So now I should just move on? I have been told everthing from "It's good that it happened early" ( I was 8 1/2 weeks) to "At least you'll be rested when you come back to work." As if I've been on vacation instead of mornng the loss of my baby. I am 34 years old and my husband and I were trying very hard to have a baby. I feel like I waited to late and now I'm being punished. My husband has managed to go on with life as usual, but I have to go back to work on Tuesday and honestly I don't know how I'm going to do it. I feel sad, and lost. When do you go back to feeling normal? I just want to lay in bed all day and cry without being made to feel like I should have gotten over it by now.

  2. #2

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    Maverick so sorry for your loss

  3. #3

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    Maverick, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

    I was in a similar situation - IVF pregnancy, scan at 6.5 weeks showed everything ok, scan at 8.5 weeks showed no baby, no heartbeat. Our FS said it was a blighted ovum...

    It does get better in time. I too had some absolutely pointless and dreadful things said to me, I think it comes out of people caring, but not really knowing what the right thing to say is.

    I did find that in many ways, getting back to work and moving my focus to something else helped a lot with my ability to cope. I also spent some time seeing a psychologist, and it really helped to spend some time talking through everything that was worrying me. Not just in relation to losing our much wanted baby, but in all aspects of life. I've come out of the process in a much healthier mental state than I have been in for years, and with a much better marriage and relationship with my husband...

    It does take time. Don't rush it, don't force yourself into things that you are genuinely not ready for, and don't beat up on yourself for having bad days. I still have bad days here and there, but given time, things do improve.

    There's all too many women here who know exactly how you feel right now.

    BW

  4. #4

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs* I lost my baby 2 weeks ago at 6 weeks and i've had some pretty dreadful stuff said to me about it, like 'there was probably something wrong with it' or 'probably for the best' i have no idea where people get off saying things like that. I feeling so bad that i had to quit my job because i jsut couyldnt do it properly. Anyway, sorry for the epic. I'm just trying to say that you are not alone in feeling this way. Sometimes it can take awhile to feel 'ok' but just know that you should take all the time you need for it and don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't grieve properly.

  5. #5

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    Hey Maverick
    youve come to the right place, i think all my healing was thanks to BB because no matter how hard people "try" to care they dont understand unless theyve been through it. It is such a hard time and i was thinking yesterday that even if you are 6, 7 , 8etc weeks along its still a long time to be pregnant and having hopes and dreams for your bub to be, so we cant just get over it in the blink of an eye, it takes time and this is different for everyone, i'm 4 weeks after havin an ectopic at 7 weeks and i'm doing good, but little things catch you now and then, like ny 4 year old asking me could i get a baby in my belly for him
    Thinking of you though and take all the time you need and jump on BB lots its great. Big hugs maverick take care of yourself.

  6. #6

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    :hugs: when i had my first mc it was also a blighted ovum and even now I get told " oh it's ok cus it wasn't really a baby" To us it was a baby regardless. it was the loss of the future that hurt the most,,

    to you..

  7. #7

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    So Sorry for your loss, I've had 6 m/c at 9 weeks plus so know the pain all too well. M/c is not dealt with well at all, it's a child who has died yet everyone expects you to carry on as though you only have a sore head or something. That's the people who know.Then it seems as though every other woman is pg and doesn't want to be, while I have no such luck.

    I've had TERRIBLE things said to me, eg my MIL saw me m/c and asked sarcastically "Are you sure it's not a period? " and many other nasty things. I feel that I'm running out of time now and am panicking.

  8. #8

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    Oh Maverick, it's so hard when it happens, and when people say things like that. I'm 34 too, and i also worry that i've left it too late. I'm so sad to hear that doc & hubby made you feel like an asylum candidate. I found out my m/c on fri, and I know i've been bawling every day since. I don't think there should be any shoulds (does that make sense?!?!) or timelines. Everyone needs their own time to grieve and we all do it in our own special unique way. I"m sending you big hugs and an e-shoulder to cry on whenever you like!

  9. #9

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    Maverick
    So sorry to hear of your sad news.
    I don't think it something you get over, I think you learn to live with it!!!!!
    It is sooo hard to learn to live with.
    I lost my baby at 11 weeks and that was last year and I am still having bad days (today was a whammy)
    I am seeing a counceler and pycologist to try and help me live with it.

    Everyone deals with it in their own way, some take longer than others.
    Take care
    Chris

  10. #10

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    Honey

    i am so sorry to hear of your loss it is such a hard thing and people do say the wrong things at times i was always told you can try again and look i have been trying for a yr since loosing my little girl and still no BFP i had alot of hurtfull things said to me mainly from the inlaws and i to see a councellor to help woth things like chris said you never get over it you lear to live with it and it is so hard i think it changes you as a person. also i think if you want to sit in bed and cry all day you should do it as if you dont you just prolong the grieving as thats what happended to me my councellor said i am having a delayed griving as i felt like i couldnt cry infront of people i put on a stong face and smiled when really all i wanted to do was cry and be told its ok to cry and scream or whatever makes you feel better take care of yourself.

    Munchy xxx

  11. #11
    4thekids Guest

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    hi i just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel to a tea.I too just suffered a loss only to be given such ridiculous, heartless, unthought of comments.Although I have absolutely no answers I do want you to know that you have every right to be upset, to yell and scream, to cry.Do what ever you have to do to help yourself and make you feel just that little bit better.As sad as it is these people obviously don't know what to say in these situations and havn't had to go through such a sad situation.I can honestly say if you havn't been through it then you have no idea just how it truly feels.So chin up and nows the time to worry bout you and only you, stuff everone else.

  12. #12

    Default

    Maverick I am so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself.

  13. #13

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    Maverick, PLEASE DON'T beat yourself up because you "waited too long". That's just being cruel to yourself when you need to be very gentle with yourself. It seems that only the people who have been through obstetric loss seem to know the right things to say. You'll find lots of support here. Of maybe you know someone close by you can talk to. But whatever happens, I wish you all the best. I'll keep you in my prayers.

  14. #14

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    i am so sorry for your loss. please allow yourself to grieve in the way you need to, and with the time you need. xxoom

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