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Thread: Is it just me???

  1. #1

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    Default Is it just me???

    Hi everyone I need to have a bit of a rant here-I can't help feeling some people are so damn insensitive- or is it just me???

    My faher in law was visiting today, and decided to tell me this "amazing story" about a tiny little baby, "it would just fit into the palm of your hand like this" (and he showed me) that lived "because of the hand of god".....well I'm sure that is wonderful for that family, but that just happened to be the same size as my little boy who didn't live and it was a loss that of course absolutely devastated me and I still have trouble dealing with at times. I had to say to him (after trying to ignore him and pretending I wasn't listening) "I really don't want to hear about this" and he had this look on his face like "what is wrong with her??"

    I feel bad because I am so angry at him, and upset with him, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable around him like he is going to say something every time I see him that will make me upset. Which sucks as they tend to visit every weekend.



    I wish I could be a bit more tolerant of the stupid things people say to me, but I have real trouble as it seems so obvious to me that I would not want to hear a story like that. Maybe he thinks I should be "over it" by now??? Like when my sister in law asked me if my last pg (which resulted in a healthy baby) "was easier the 2nd time round?"...ummm, yeah, just ignore the pg's in-between, especially Thomas', and yeah, it's just SO easy being pg again after a late loss of a baby!!!!Idiots!!!Being worried out of your mind every minute for 9 months!!!

    has anyone else been in similar situations, how do you deal with the insensitive remarks from people who really should know better??? Or am I a bit too sensitive?

  2. #2

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    i haven't been in exactly your situation, so i can't say i know how i'd react, but even to me, who's losses have been very early - well, i find those kind of "stories" most insensitive - particularly from family who KNOW what you've been through! no matter what turns your life has taken since the loss of your precious angels, they will ALWAYS be in your heart - you can't just forget about them and move on with life like it never happened - you find a way to go on and live, but it's always there.

    for me, i read stories about babies who've survived against the odds, and i find it amazing, heart warming - and yet at the same time, heart breaking that these babies have made it when mine haven't - but that is a CHOICE that i make to read those stories - i read them in my time, my space - and i let myself feel everything - i would be extremely annoyed if it was forced upon me so insensitively. i don't think you're being over sensitive at all - i think your FIL just doesn't have a clue of the impact he's having with these comments

    in your case, i would be sitting DH down and saying "you need to talk to them - i will NEVER be completely over Thomas and the pain of his loss - they need to remember to be sensitive - or to just shut up".

    i hope you can find some peace with this - huge hugs hun

    BG

  3. #3

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    Hi there, I am so sorry your FIL upset you today Some people are insensitive, they have no understanding what so ever of what it is like to lose and baby and therefore just dont relate what happens to other people to what happened to us - because our babies didnt live they musnt count?????? And your SIL should be ashamed of herself! Thomas is her family and it is unforgivable that she would make a comment to you as if he never existed. I am sorry for these ignorant people but really that is exactly what they are - ignorant... I often wonder how these people would cope if the same thing happened to them? How would they feel to have themself or their baby completely disregarded? Hopefully for their sake they never find out.

    I had a girl at work recently tell me about her "poor" friend who just had gave birth to a baby at 36 weeks and he is in special care because he is "so prem" and her friend who had a c sect and was a little worse for wear was stuck in bed and how traumatic it was for her because she was a mother but couldnt see her baby and she actually said to me "can you imagine anything worse?". In my head I was thinking well yeah actually how about being a mother but having their baby in an urn in their living room for eternity??? In the end I just said well the baby was born at 36 weeks so thats not really that prem and at least both her and her baby will survive. She said "yeah true but how awful for them". I shouldnt have been surprised, after hearing me talk about Nicholas the same girl said "oh did he have a name" and on another occasion said "hey did you get a baby bonus" and when I said yes she asked why, um is the fact we had to pay for a funeral not deserving of the baby bonus???

    Anyway, sorry again - you have every right to feel hurt by your FIL (and SIL) and I pat you on the back for having the strength to say you dont want to hear about it. Unfortunately in these situations I generally freeze and dont know what to say.

    Big :hugs: to you.

  4. #4
    bekyj2 Guest

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    dear water lily 80.
    firstly i am going to begin with i am sorry to hear about ur losses of your angels.
    the answer to ur question yes i have had someone talk about a baby miracle after having 2 miscarriages, and how she almost had another miscarrige but bub survied even through the smoking she was doing throught the pregnancy.
    and you no wat you are aloud to be sensitive with things that have happened with ur life, but some people that are the closest to you should no wat u have been through and no better when to say things and when not to say things, that r in that topic.
    i agree with briggy's girl with the things that she said talk to DP and yes people sould be more carefull with wat there say.
    again i am sorry to here about ur losses and hope that you start to feel better soon. and rememeber everyone here at bb will always be hear to listen.
    take care of yourself.
    ____________________
    me-17 DP-19
    Tyson and Kate Mar 06 :angel:
    Hydie Sep 07

  5. #5

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    Thanks all for your quick replies, I was really seething for a while there. (Actually I still am).
    Bekyj: You are right, I am allowed to be sensitive with things that have happened to me in my life - I think I forget I have the right to that!
    Mel 1977: I can't imagine how you got through listening to that stupid *&%^ girl saying those things to you, what an idiot. The worst thing about the SIL is she started crying when she found out she upset me so everyone felt sorry for her, that I upset her. Geez I'm sorry. You are right I, some people just have no idea, but it is hard to have to put up with their comments.
    Briggsys girl: Yep i reckon having that image of the baby that fitted into the palm of the hand, when I was totally unprepared for it was what upset me the most, not to mention his insinuation that "the hand of god" saved that baby...well what about our babies that didn't make it???grrrr makes me a bit angry!!

    Just like to say that it is so nice to hear from others who (unfortunately) been through this kind of thing, nice to know there are people who understand what it's like....

    and I think hubby will get a little talking to, but I feel a bit sorry for him, he can't help what comes out of his family's mouths and they always seem to be upsetting me!!

  6. #6

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    Your poor SIL, how hard it must have been for her If only you could get the sympathy she got... but then why do you need it? grrrrrr. I also feel a bit sorry for your poor DH - you cant choose your family but you still feel guilty for their stupidity. But yeah thats probably the time for him to speak up and say STFU! My DH thinks its easier to ignore the comments, but I think men can fob things off whereas as us crazy ladies dwell... well at least I do

    Just had a thought... along the lines of "the hand of god" comment, has anyone had the "god only chooses the special ones to give an angel baby to" line? Gotta love that one! How special do we feel? I think I forgot to say thank you!


  7. #7

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    I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you find closure and healing. Sending a cyberhug.

    As for your father in law, while it's true that sometimes people just put their foot in their mouth, when he saw it upset you he should have STOPPED. End of story right there. And the other unfortunate thing is that some people don't count a pregnancy without a happy ending as a "real" pregnancy. Or a very tiny baby who dies as a "real" child.

    And so what if you're being sensitive? You have a right to be. Everybody has a right to be sensitive about a traumatic experience.

    I hope this works out for you and you come to an understanding with him.

  8. #8

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    arrrggg! it isn't just you. most folks seem to put aside grief and memory of any pain as quickly as possible and can say the most brutal things. they sometimes even think that if they remember our babies, that we might be forced to remember them too -- as if we will ever forget. our society is against us as well, teaching that grief is a process to "get over" the loss and replace it with new attachments. as if a parent can replace a child with anything else -- sort of like asking an amputee to replace his or her limb. it isn't going to happen. i'm like mel - i usually freeze when folks say things to me, and then let them fester in my brain for too long after. but, then i usually have a good retort to folks the next time that same comment comes around. big hugs to you.

  9. #9

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    yep auntie m - i am like you and his comments have been festering in my brain as well, i mean it was his grandchild, how can i excuse his thoughtlessness? But like i've told my DH (who is pretty upset with what he said as well as my feelings towards FIL) I'm just going to have to try and move past it and deal with it...somehow!!I think I'll steer clear for a while from my in laws.

  10. #10

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    probably best to steer away if you can. yeah, the festering part is probably not healthy, but i do it all the time. a couple of months ago someone made a comment that made me remember that i was an awkward clod with their grief -- which was before i had lived through some of my own. now i try to hang onto that remembrance to give more grace to the folks who haven't lived through this and have no idea what to say or do or not say or not do. honestly, i don't think i live up to that goal of grace very often and more typically slip into fester mode, but it is a good goal anyway! good luck, my dear.

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