Loving my two boys but only holding one

[Lynn]

Thank you so much everyone - your words and hugs mean so much.

Mel - you always seem to have the right thing to say to me and I thank you for that. I think being able to learn to live life as happily as possible is a tough one. I am trying to and on the outside there are smiles but deep down are just tears. I am trying to make this situation as happy as possible but I just wish that people would understand that my life is not perfect all of a sudden. I realised that I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. Everything that Ethan gets to do Cooper won't. I think your questions are so true - I always wonder how others would handle the situation - maybe next time I get a cooment I will ask some of those questions. Thanks Mel :hugs: not just for your post but for everything.

BG - That is how I feel, like I am not allowed to feel like a new mum (to a living child), I'm not allowed to coment on anything, that I should be happy and just appreciate what I have. Well I do appreciate Ethan so much but like you said I will never love Cooper any less. Thank you

Rowie - Thank you for your understanding. Thank you so much for your kind words - they mean so much

[Auntie M]

oh Lynn, i am sending the biggest of hugs to you. i have nothing to offer that is different from these other wise and supportive ladies, but i have to say something. you are so right to feel your joy for Ethan and your grief for Cooper -- they are both your sons and you love them both equally, like any mother. i think of our pain as an amputation -- we will learn to live without that limb, but we will never replace it or stop grieving its loss. we won't stop the grief, but maybe someday it won't be the largest part of us. we can look forward to that time, but must get through the emotions of today first.

as to what others think or say or judge -- well, they haven't been where you are, so they don't have any basis for an opinion. you can either let it slide, knowing they know not what they do, or you can let them have it. if they have a child, ask them how long it would take for them to forget that child. or how quickly their mother should forget them if they were to die. if they are honest, they will know the answer is never.

in a way, it sounds like your grief for Cooper has reached a new, painful place. you get to be viscerally reminded of exactly what you missed out on with him each time you interact with Ethan. i don't know, having not reached that point (i can hope, hope, hope), but it seems that it is yet another trial of grief for you to learn to live with. i know you can do it, because i have seen a part of your journey and have been impressed with your courage and honesty in facing the pain of grief and worry. you have been and are an inspiration to me.

as to getting to be a "normal" mom and have yucky days and sleepless nights and being tired and cranky and just wanting 2 minutes of peace and quiet -- you are more entitled to those feelings than any other mom. you live in two places, learning to be a mom to a live son and an angel son. your heart is not able to stay in one place, nor is your energy. you let it out, girl, and anyone who doesn't understand -- like Mel said, scr#w 'em. and if they are a parent, ask them if they didn't ever just wish for a tiny bit of peace in their day. you deserve the same consideration -- wishing for peace from Ethan is not the same as not being grateful for his being alive. not even close. big hugs, Lynn, and know that there are many here who are sending you the best of hopes and hugs when the hopes don't pan out.