emma- i am so sorry for your loss of Brayden. i have no words to make your pain go away, no matter how much i wish i did. you have made difficult choices to the best of your ability, and of course they are the right choices. no one else can know your circumstances. we all do the best we can at the time we are presented with painful situations, and you are a strong lady. i know only too well that you probably don't feel strong, i even wanted to pop someone in the head for saying i was strong because i felt so horrible. but you are strong, and you can make it. this is such a painful journey, and it never ends. but perhaps it might become less painful someday. for now, please be good to yourself, find the support you need and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling. i know that sounds silly, but the emotions of grief are so painful that it is tempting to run and deny them. allow yourself to feel them, and then perhaps you can get through some of them. you will always remember your Brayden, and love him because you are his mother. you have protected him the best way you know how, and he knows that too and loves you. i am so sorry you have not found support with your boyfriend, please seek it elsewhere -- your mom, a support group, here at bb, and/or a private counselor. all of these things can make the biggest differences when you are faced with the darkest days. big hugs to you, my dear, xxoom