i don't know what i'm hoping to get from this post - maybe just an outlet to spill all the stuff about these losses that i seem to have bottled up inside of me

last week, i miscarried - again. it was another early loss, and it seems to mean nothing to so many people. in the grand scheme of things, i was really "only just" pg - but i KNEW for a week, so for a week, i knew i was going to have a baby. i've been through this so many times, i know the difference in my body when i'm pg as opposed to the meds they put me on. but it is, in the nurses words, nothing. it's a chemical pregnancy. that nice line on 13dpo that disappeared at 14dpo and turned to a massive bleed 15dpo means nothing to them. i have a 14day LP - i might not have a cycle as such, but EVERY assisted cycle i've had that has been unsuccessful, my LP has been 14 days. so i KNOW that positive on day 13 was right. i KNOW i was pg but something went wrong - AF didn't arrive when she was due. but my levels 15dpo registered me as a negative result - too low to worry about. but it's not HER that has to worry about it. it's ME. i've subjected myself to invasive procedures, done everthing i've been asked, had every test they've asked me to - and our angel gets shrugged away like it doesn't matter.

i'm at the end of my tether. denial seems to be what keeps me going. who wants to admit to 5 miscarriages in just over 3 years? i don't know what to ask my FS at our appointment in a couple of weeks - what tests can i ask for, what right do i have to demand more investigation? how do i make him understand that, whether it's termed a chemical pregnancy or not, we HAVE had embies try to stick, they're not sticking - and i'm spending so much time hating myself and blaming myself for not being able to hold onto them. it's impacting my relationship with DH - i feel like i'm pushing him away cos i don't want to feel guilty, but at the same time, i'm trying to hold him closer cos i need him to protect me from the pain we're feeling.

i can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn from my life as i try to protect myself from this - and i hate it. i want to be the person i was three years ago - the social person who could relax, and not constantly be worried about how things would interact with medication, reduce chances of pregnancy... we've put off the full blown IVF til the end of the year - i just can't face it at the next local clinic. but now i'm hating myself again for delaying the chances of success - for holding off on giving DH a child. i feel like it's all my fault - his boys are doing their part, it's my body that is rejecting our embryo's....

if you've read this waffle, thank you. i don't know that anyone can offer any advice (except maybe "go see a shrink girl, you're nuts!!"), but just being able to vent a bit and get it off my chest has helped. there's a lot more going on in my life that is adding to this, but i needed to get this part off my chest so that it was one less thing bottled up inside...