Not sure how to keep going - fifth m/c

[briggsy's girl]

i don't know what i'm hoping to get from this post - maybe just an outlet to spill all the stuff about these losses that i seem to have bottled up inside of me

last week, i miscarried - again. it was another early loss, and it seems to mean nothing to so many people. in the grand scheme of things, i was really "only just" pg - but i KNEW for a week, so for a week, i knew i was going to have a baby. i've been through this so many times, i know the difference in my body when i'm pg as opposed to the meds they put me on. but it is, in the nurses words, nothing. it's a chemical pregnancy. that nice line on 13dpo that disappeared at 14dpo and turned to a massive bleed 15dpo means nothing to them. i have a 14day LP - i might not have a cycle as such, but EVERY assisted cycle i've had that has been unsuccessful, my LP has been 14 days. so i KNOW that positive on day 13 was right. i KNOW i was pg but something went wrong - AF didn't arrive when she was due. but my levels 15dpo registered me as a negative result - too low to worry about. but it's not HER that has to worry about it. it's ME. i've subjected myself to invasive procedures, done everthing i've been asked, had every test they've asked me to - and our angel gets shrugged away like it doesn't matter.

i'm at the end of my tether. denial seems to be what keeps me going. who wants to admit to 5 miscarriages in just over 3 years? i don't know what to ask my FS at our appointment in a couple of weeks - what tests can i ask for, what right do i have to demand more investigation? how do i make him understand that, whether it's termed a chemical pregnancy or not, we HAVE had embies try to stick, they're not sticking - and i'm spending so much time hating myself and blaming myself for not being able to hold onto them. it's impacting my relationship with DH - i feel like i'm pushing him away cos i don't want to feel guilty, but at the same time, i'm trying to hold him closer cos i need him to protect me from the pain we're feeling.

i can feel myself becoming more and more withdrawn from my life as i try to protect myself from this - and i hate it. i want to be the person i was three years ago - the social person who could relax, and not constantly be worried about how things would interact with medication, reduce chances of pregnancy... we've put off the full blown IVF til the end of the year - i just can't face it at the next local clinic. but now i'm hating myself again for delaying the chances of success - for holding off on giving DH a child. i feel like it's all my fault - his boys are doing their part, it's my body that is rejecting our embryo's....

if you've read this waffle, thank you. i don't know that anyone can offer any advice (except maybe "go see a shrink girl, you're nuts!!"), but just being able to vent a bit and get it off my chest has helped. there's a lot more going on in my life that is adding to this, but i needed to get this part off my chest so that it was one less thing bottled up inside...

[visitor1]

BG i dont know the right words to say...other then im terribly sorry for your angel growing wings. I do hope that you can seek the answers to your questions. *Hugs*

[Trillian]

Oh hun, I'm so sorry It doesn't matter at what stage your baby becomes an angel, it was still YOUR baby and you loved them, even if only for a little while. I don't know what I can offer you to help ease your pain, but keep letting it all out. *hugs* for you.

[New Dawn]

Sorry I too dont know how to ease you pain...

your babies were your babies dont let anyone tell you otherwise... they will always be apart of you...

I truely wish there was sometime else I could do or say to make this right... Please dont blame yourself its not your foult for any of these losses... Hold your Loving DH tight and never let go he is the one person in this world who know excatly how you are feeling so let him feel it with you...

wish I was closer and I would drive right over and give you all the boney shoulder you need to let it all out on

[MantaRay]

BG, big hugs hun. Of course it matters. It is still devastating no matter how far along you are. Especially when you've been waiting such a long time.

I wonder if they have done any investigation into why you might be m/c? I know there are many different situations so this might not be at all relevant. But a friend of mine fell pg after 5 years of trying, 3 on IVF. She had an early m/c but the fs thought it was a big step forward (to have even conceived) and did some bloods and things. Turns out her immune system had attacked the embryo and with immuno-suppressants she wouldn't be able to carry. Next cycle she fell pg with twins who are now 2 1/2. Maybe this is something you can discuss with your fs?

I certainly hope that you get some answers and some really good news soon. It has been a long journey for you. That pot of gold at the end of the rainbow can't be too much further away.

Take care hun.

[Heaven]

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how you're feeling, it seems too much It doesn't matter how long you knew you were pregnant, you still knew, and you got excited, and it was a life no matter how short

[Hoody]

i don't know that anyone can offer any advice (except maybe "go see a shrink girl, you're nuts!!"

Hun i dont have advice or words of wisdom but i certainly dont agree with this I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss. As you know a loss is a loss at any stage so you have a right to grieve. My thoughts are with you. Be gentle on yourself.

[Beach Mama]

Awwwww BG I don't have any AC advice other than what MR suggested but wanted to let you know that you are NOT nuts, and that no matter when a loss occurs, it is still a loss. There are still so many hopes and dreams pinned on that little person becoming a huge part of your life and then all of a sudden they are gone That doesn't change, so you have every right to feel sadness, anger and go through the grieving process and that is what we are all here for. for Mr BG too- he must be grieving but would hate what you are going through and the pain and guilt you are feeling. Thinking of you hun, and only you know where to go from here. Take some time out and assess in a few weeks when the pain isn't so raw babe. My thoughts are with you and DH.

[MrsFabuloso]

Hun, I'm sooo sorry. I have no words, other than to say that this is not your fault. You are doing what you an to try to sort these things out. There is alway some level of faith that has to be put into making babies. It isn't all up to you or your DH, or doctors. Some of it is up to higher powers whether that's god/jesus, buddah, or mother nature or whatever it is you believe in.
You've had your fair share of heartache, unfortunately some have more than others. I hope that this the last for you.

[Lulu]

But isn't 5 m/cs enough to warrant further investigation?

What would be the point of full blown IVF when the chances that another bubs can't stick again? I keep thinking its an autoimmune thing, I don't understand how much of this works, but this should SURELY needs to be looked at.

It seems to me that you will have to get firm with the FS again. You know your body SO WELL.

Look you are still in your twenties, yes DH is older but my dad was 50-odd when I was born and I'm not the youngest. NO problems with keeping up with anyone, in fact when I go for a "stroll" with him I'm always running to catch up....

[Ellie]

Oh sweetie...I am so sorry. Everything you have said...and how you're feeling...I've said myself and you have always been there to help me through. It's not fair...it is too hard and it feels like in this moment no one understands the pain and frustration...it's just so hard...and why wouldn't you try and protect yourself...I wish I could make it all better...you are an amazing woman...take time and do what you need to do...I'm here for you xxx

[Kitt3n]

BG I am so so sorry to hear of this. I have been following your story and you are such an inspiration. Nuts? I think not, just an amazing chick with a massive heart.

I can never find the right words - but all I can do is hope that your next BFP is a very sticky one - and I am so so sorry that your little angel left

[butterfly_warrior]

BG.

You may remember that one of the things I was most scared of is that my clinic wouldn't acknowledge the early losses as being pregnancies that were lost... I did find that the nurses just wanted to write it off as "just a negative", but I was relieved to find that my FS was more than willing to acknowledge them as lost pregnancies.

As for testing... you have EVERY right to demand further testing! I had testing after the first because I just knew something wasn't right. More testing came later because I knew that we still didn't have the big picture and there was something else going wrong. Some doctors will insist on waiting until you've had three losses before doing any investigation, but they certainly can't use that argument on you.

If we look at the facts here... you KNOW something isn't working right in your body. There's ample evidence of that. You know from riding along with my tests and investigations and random thoughts that the main causes fall into two categories - autoimmune and clotting problems. I recall that there's a fair bit of family history and other evidence to suggest that the autoimmune thing could be a problem. Your FS may not be up on the fancy tests of the likes of Dr S, but he can still test for the basic autoimmune problems, and the blood clotting problems.

Even if the testing shows nothing, there's nothing to say that you can't jump up and down and scream at your FS and demand something be done differently, that you use a different protocol "just in case". Aspirin and prednisone aren't all that invasive, aren't expensive, don't go too far in terms of nasty side effects (although I do half suspect I've been on prednisone so long I've forgotten what's normal and what's a prednisone side effect), and aren't going to do any harm if they aren't needed in the end. There are more than likely other options that I'm not as aware of as well. I believe there's some evidence that they can improve outcomes even when tests show that there's no medically verifiable need for them. I know of clinics (usually in the US) that use aspirin as standard procedure regardless of what testing may show.

I know it's scary to approach your doctor and tell him that you're not happy with how things are going and that further investigations need to be done, but I seriously doubt that he'd be turning you down if you asked for further testing. Perhaps this is why he has insisted on another consultation rather than back to back IUIs this time?

I've always been the kind of person to spring into action and do something rather than take the time to deal with the emotional aspects of things, and I can see where that has caused me problems in the past - but I think I can quite happily say that you are NOT nuts (the title belongs to me, remember?).

Hang in there... see what the FS has to say for himself, see what he says to further testing and possible reasons for this to keep happening. You know there's loads of people behind you every step of the way.

BW

[Maruschke]

I'm sorry to hear your news. that you have some comfort right now. Words just cannot express.

[rufalina]

I agree with the others... A loss is a loss, no mater when it happens. As soon as you see those two lines it is real (well it was for me). I think you need to ask for those tests. I had three early losses using Clomid, and when I was looking into IFV I insisted at my first appt with my FS that I have a series of tests for miscarriages cause I was not going to into IVF without knowing that I could get further than 5w pregnant. The fact that mine came back clear gave me the confidence to know it was not my fault I had those losses, and not think of myself as not being able to carry a baby and gave me a reason to keep on trying.

You need to find out for yourself either way so you can go on to have your dream.

[{sarah}]

Awww BG I don't know what to say other than to send you lots of love & hugs.

[Deejoy17]

Bg I`m so sorry

[~shazz~]

BG after my early loss where i felt much the same why doesn't anyone care but me, the clinic did the big shrug off and i was devastated , "your feelings of despair and grief are valid because you are feeling them , let the feelings out they are no good to you bottled up inside " i hope you find some answers soon