Our baby is not meant for this world

[dantri]

Thank you all for your words of support and comfort. They really have helped me. I had a crappy crappy night with not much sleep. I've seen my old doctor today, as my current one who I only saw once when I found out I was pg because my other one was on maternity leave as away of course. She was absolutely wonderful. She squeezed me in and then spent a whole hour completely unrushed talking with me. It was such a relief to be treated like that. I left her rooms leaving the decision of what to do next unmade. Just waiting is not an option for me. I just emotionally cannot do it. The other options are to have a gel inserted to soften my cervix and wait for me to pass naturally or a d and c. I've since decided to go ahead with a d and c and will tell her on Monday so we can make arrangements.

A part of me feels that this a cop out and that I should pass naturally (with the gel) because it is real and motherhood is painful and I think it could make me stronger in some ways. On the flip side it could take up to 2 or so weeks, could be so painful and traumatic that it causes way more pain and suffering than necessary. In the end there are too many unknowns for me.

I'm okay for a while and can talk about it matter of factly but in the snap of a moment I can be reduced to a blubbering mess on the floor. It's so hard because the rest of the world doesn't recognize the baby as a life. I mean most of our friends and family don't even know we were ever pregnant. And it's confusing to grieve for something that no body else recognizes as a life. When a person that has lived dies you get flowers and cards. People write notes in the paper. You have a funeral. You plan songs and passages to read. When you miscarry what do you do? It is so upsetting. DH and I have decided that when we are ready we will plant a tree at the family farm (where we will one day live and raise our family) and so we can have something and somewhere to remember our lost angel.

I can't believe that statistically 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. And when I stop and think if there were me and 3 other women lined up, one who struggled to fall pregnant, one who had had recurrent miscarriages, one who was on her last chance to be a mum and me, pregnant first try, no complications, in my late 20s. You know what. I'd choose to take one for the team. I'd be the one in 4 because I have a good lot of years left to make babies, I have no complications, I fell pg easily (and hopefully will continue to), I haven't suffered this heart ache before. It is fairer that it happens to me than those other ladies. I hope that though I am suffering it means that three others in those situations don't have to.

Thanks for following my ramblings  It feels good to share my thoughts with those who understand and empathize.*