I miscarried at 8 weeks in december 2010. It was my second pregnancy and I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. I still remember my doctor asking me how my first pregnancy was. It was great with no complications whatsoever. His reply "Great, that's a good indicator for how this one will go". I didn't get any warnings about the risk of miscarriage with a second pregnancy being 1/5, I was fine, my bloods were fine....this one was going to go just a smoothly as my first.
We went to our first Obs appt so very excited about seeing our little one on that screen. My fiances face lit up as soon as the picture became clear. But then my Obs started taking a little longer and told us she wasn't finding something that she was looking for. Then she told us what it was she was looking for. It was our babys heart beat. Our babys heart had stopped two days prior. I was sent for consecutive blood tests just to confirm what we knew. I was devestated. This wasn't supposed to happen. We had already told everyone we were expecting because I always thought it was a pessamists attitude to keep it hush for the first 12 weeks. More fool me.
I was booked into the hospital the very next morning for a D&C and then it was done. It'll be 4 months on Sunday since it all happened and I still don't know how to not break down when i see another baby. One of my best friends went into labour today and i burst into tears when i got off the phone to her. Im so excited for her, but im also a mess. I get angry with myself because I feel like im turning other peoples joy into a misery, but i dont know how to stop the tears.
Why did I lose my baby when there are so many people who abort their own pregnancies. I don't understand and Im still so angry and blame myself completely. Im just at a loss as to what to do anymore..
first of all i am very sorry for your loss and it is NOT your fault just one of natures cruel turns. Theres no wrong time frame to get over things like this either no matter what stage of a pregnancy the loss occured. Everyday I still cry for my son even though its been 8 years the pain is still raw, I got angry at people until recently at people who had boys, I'd stand in target crying at the boys clothes etc. What you are feeling is completely normal, have you heard of the angel babies foundation? They are a fantastic charity who i am working closely with to raise a lot of money (hopefully!!) for them they do grief councelling for people who have lost babies at all stages do you think this would be something that could help you?
Im sorry for you're loss...its completely normal to still be feeling the way you do at the moment. Everyone grieves differently and takes different times to heal. Like you i lost my second baby and went in for ultrasound and the exact same thing happened and had to have a d&c, i was gutted.....i didnt know how to deal with it......i still remember those feelings i had after it happened...it cuts deep...............................I started to feel a little better once i concieved again 4/5 months after loosing my baby, but then a whole new set of fears set in. Im 24 weeks and feeling alot better now...i still think of my baby..some people want to try straight away, others want to wait..some grieve straight away, others it comes out later.....it just all depends and there is no right or wrong answer.........Give you're self permission to be the way you are and how you're feeling...................Dont blame you're self tho...you are not to blame at all...these things happen and are out of our control...theres nothing you could of done. You didnt make this happen. You're angel wasnt ready to come down yet. Maybe try some counseling or buy a book about miscarriage..
Thank you both to your replies.
MrsS, I have found the Angel Babies Foundation online, I wish I found it sooner. I know these things are very common, but it's still hard to believe that so many people share the exact same feelings. It is also very comforting. Thank you for putting me in touch.
Melster, how do you get past the fear? I'm terrified to try again. I want to try again, but i'm so scared.
sorry to butt in I know you asked Melster but im going throught that fear thing at the moment my only experience birthing boys results in death and now due to have boys in a few weeks and absolutely crapping myself doesnt even begin to sum up how i feel so for me i dont think there is any way to get over the fear until you are proved wrong if that makes sence (for example: you go on to concieve and have a very healthy and happy pregnany and I give birth to my boys and get to take them home and watch them grow) Thats my opinion anyway but that could be because of the situation im in there maybe someone come in here and give a better answer!
Sorry to hear about your loss. You have every right to be sad and grieve for as long as you need. When I had my 1st MC I was so sad and then angry, specially when my SIL announced she was pregnant. I was so happy for her and I knew my anger was not at her but at myself and my body for letting me down. My 2nd MC I was completely different. I was more numb, but accepted what had happened a lot quicker.
The fear will never go away when you fall pregnant again. I choose to take 1 day at a time and tried not to think to much ahead of getting through the week. Every niggle made my heart skip a beat and every time I went to the loo I expected to see blood. In the end I could not help but think what will be will be and before I knew it I was into my 2nd trimester, finding out the sex, having my glucose test, waters breaking and my baby was here and then I came that sigh of relief.
My advice would be, talk about your fears when you need to, don't let them overcome you. Try and stay the optimst that you sound like you were when you were pregnant.
im so sorry for your loss, and im so sorry to hear you're not coping. massive to you. i can't give you any advice really, we just lost our son, but all i can say is take it one day at a time. that's all you can do really....grief is a horrible thing, its hard, it's lonely and it's a struggle....be kind with yourself and remember to breathe xxx
Oh blossom - hugs..... I am so so sorry that you are in such pain right now..... and I am sorry that your wee one couldn't stay...
Pretty much every one else has said what I would say - there is nothing you did wrong, and you shouldn't blame yourself, but pretty much we all do from what I can work out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve both your wee one, and the loss of your hopes and dreams of being their parent, and of their relationships with others. Different things work for different people - some people go to group meetings at places like SIDS and KIDS, some people throw themselves into work or another project, some people journal or blog, some people exericse... you get my drift. What ever you do, it will be what you find helps.
About the fear? I agree, it never goes away. If I think about my journey, I have no idea, absolutely no idea how I picked myself up after each devastating tragedy..... and how I ever got through. Whilst I am now TTC again, I sadly believe that I am likely to loose this next baby too.... but despite that it won't stop me. The thing is, even though the dear seems paralyzing and at times it is, the fear actually can't hurt us. So how did I get through? Well, I embraced the fear.... it can't hurt me and I am a bigger person than to let my life be ruled by fear. And every single moment that you are pregnant is truly a blessing and I would just put my hands on my tummy and repeat that as often as I needed to. Doesn't mean some days the darkness pressed in and it felt like all was lost, and didn't mean some days I wasn't paralyzed with fear, but it did mean I was grateful for the now. After all apart from a live healthy baby, wasn't what I wanted most of all the chance to be pregnant and achieve that?
But for some people the decision to consciously not TTC again because of the fear is an equally valid decision. It is those families who have my utmost sympathy as for them the tragedy has truly c crushed their dreams.
What I want you to do is do one nice thing for yourself today... consciously and deliberately..... you deserve it.... so take a momemt and indulge your soul.....
Take care.
And I am leaving my sig in, because it will show you that despite unimaginable tragedy there is hope and you will find a way through.
Still not dealing after 4 months..
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