Oh blossom - hugs..... I am so so sorry that you are in such pain right now..... and I am sorry that your wee one couldn't stay...

Pretty much every one else has said what I would say - there is nothing you did wrong, and you shouldn't blame yourself, but pretty much we all do from what I can work out. There is no right or wrong way to grieve both your wee one, and the loss of your hopes and dreams of being their parent, and of their relationships with others. Different things work for different people - some people go to group meetings at places like SIDS and KIDS, some people throw themselves into work or another project, some people journal or blog, some people exericse... you get my drift. What ever you do, it will be what you find helps.

About the fear? I agree, it never goes away. If I think about my journey, I have no idea, absolutely no idea how I picked myself up after each devastating tragedy..... and how I ever got through. Whilst I am now TTC again, I sadly believe that I am likely to loose this next baby too.... but despite that it won't stop me. The thing is, even though the dear seems paralyzing and at times it is, the fear actually can't hurt us. So how did I get through? Well, I embraced the fear.... it can't hurt me and I am a bigger person than to let my life be ruled by fear. And every single moment that you are pregnant is truly a blessing and I would just put my hands on my tummy and repeat that as often as I needed to. Doesn't mean some days the darkness pressed in and it felt like all was lost, and didn't mean some days I wasn't paralyzed with fear, but it did mean I was grateful for the now. After all apart from a live healthy baby, wasn't what I wanted most of all the chance to be pregnant and achieve that?

But for some people the decision to consciously not TTC again because of the fear is an equally valid decision. It is those families who have my utmost sympathy as for them the tragedy has truly c crushed their dreams.

What I want you to do is do one nice thing for yourself today... consciously and deliberately..... you deserve it.... so take a momemt and indulge your soul.....

Take care.

And I am leaving my sig in, because it will show you that despite unimaginable tragedy there is hope and you will find a way through.