Acceptance after adoption

[SJL]

Hi,
I adopted a little girl about 6 years ago. Since that time I have been told by my family I was stupid for taking on a child with a disability and at first they were far from supportive. Over that time I have proved them wrong and I felt they had began to accept my child as part of the family, she became their neice, their grand daughter, their cousin.
Or so I thought.

It was announced on the weekend my brother and his wife are expecting a child, this child will be the first natural grandchild for my parents. My family have been making comments about this new child like "Wow, the first grandchild" "our first neice/nephew", my sister said "I am finally going to be an aunt".
I have said what about my daughter, she has been in the family for over 6 years and I have been told by everyone in the family "She isn't really part of our family", "she doesn't matter" and "she isn't important".

My father has never given my daughter a xmas present or birthday present, he has never helped my with anything relating to my daughter he refused to help me out when I needed money for my daughters wheelchair (all I had asked for was $100 to borrow for a few weeks so I could pick it up instead of waiting another month), but this new child he has already given my brother $1000 towards things the baby will need.

Whose family is she part of?
Am I just jealous about this new child? or am I rightfully angry?

My so called family are really hurting me at the moment. Has ayone else been through this kind of situation? How have you handled it?

I feel like just wiping them out of our lives, if my daughter isn't part of their family then I am not either.
What can I do???

[sneakysparkle]

SJL my heart goes out to you
I'm so sorry your family has been not only unsupportive, but downright nasty and disrespectful too.
I'm not in your situation, and don't have any advice but I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you that you are a wonderful mother

[Jaxi]

SJL, I feel for you. I agree with sneakysparkle.

Having worked with children with varying degrees of disabilities I have seen the issues both biological and adoptive parents have had to face with their children and while I can see that perhaps your family may have their concerns for you I think they are being extremely unfair and disrespectful (even cruel) in first of all not acknowledging you as a mother, but also in treating your daughter as though she is invisible. I am worried now what will happen once your brother's baby arrives and how both you and your daughter will take to this baby being treated so differently by your family.

While I am not in a position to place judgement on your family or offer advice I would just like to say that your post reflects how much you care for your daughter and that in itself makes you a fabulous mum and I am sure your daughter will grow up to know she has the world's best mum whatever decision you make.

[HotI]

Hi SJL

I am so sorry that you and your daughter are getting this reception. My younger sister is adopted and we had similar reactions from some family members but not always blatantly.

The first thing is to make sure your daughter knows she is loved and wanted. It's kind of obvious, and you probably already know that. If your daughter is starting to recognise it (my sister did), it is important that she knows that you see her as your daughter, and your family members are a bit funny sometimes. Sort of so she knows it is their problem and not hers.

Do you feel that you can question any of your family members about their actions, see how they perceive it? They may not realise what they are doing, and the effect their actions and words are having. Your daughter is the first granddaughter/niece and has been for 6 years, no matter how she came to your family.

Depending on their responses, you then have to question what is best for you, your daughter, and your family.

You may have known about your daughters' disabilities before the adoption. This does not mean you can't feel frustrated by them sometimes, just as other parents with kids with disabilities go through. There is also more to your child than the disability (as you know!), and it can be disheartening when others, especially your family members, don't always see those other parts first.

I think your feelings are justified. Your Dad needs to pull his finger out and SHOULD be buying your daughter a Christmas present, and birthday present every year. Her medical needs are separate and helping you out with getting her wheelchair is not excessive, but should also not be a excuse for not getting her birthday presents.

Take care,

Kate

[Heaven]

SJL what a horrible situation. You are an awesome person for adopting your daughter and they are wrong with everything they have said. I would be very angry too if I was in your position. I don't really know what to say but I would be making it clear to them that if they can not accept your daughter and treat her with as much respect as anyone else in the family then you can't afford to have them in your life. I'm so sad for how it might make your daughter feel to be treated that way, even if it doesn't seem obvious she can probably pick up on it. I don't know what is wrong with some people.
Sorry, I haven't been much help! to you.

[~Raven~]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this

I haven't been in your shoes but my Dad was adopted and while I'm not sure about how him and his brother (who was also adopted) were accepted in comparison to his cousins as babies, I know as teens and adults there was no issue with the extended family.

There were times though when I was growing up that my Dad was referred to as "one of the adopted ones" and not so and so's son, when strangers to me were trying to place who I was. (They obviously knew my parents or grandparents).

It's unfortunate that the stigma is there still and I feel sad for your daughter (and you for that matter) that they are acting in this way.

I would talk to them about how you are feeling. It would be better than keeping it bottled up

[Lulu]

OMG, you have a right to feel the way you do.

I feel like just wiping them out of our lives, if my daughter isn't part of their family then I am not either.

I would be the same, I dunno what to say

[Jennifer13]

Their behaviour towards your daughter, who is an innocent child, is hateful, and to you is totally disrespectful. When a child becomes a part of our family, no matter how, they are just that, a part of the family. You have every right to be hurt. My mother is permanent guardian of a now 5 yr old girl with CP and we have always treated her as though she were an important part of our family. It's a bit different, but if she was my sister's daughter and not my mother's I would behave exactly the same.

[Chocaholic]

SJL, you have every right to feel angry and hurt. She is your daughter and therefore a part of their family. They are being disrepectful and downright disgusting. Their behaviour is appalling.

Personally I would tell them exactly how I feel (probably with expletives!) and since they can't accept your beautiful daughter, then they don't deserve to have either her or you in their life. They are obviously not the sort of people you want your daughter associating with with their narrow minded attitude.

I apologise if that seems harsh but it is something I feel very strongly about (obviously!).

I have 3 nieces and 2 nephews. One niece is the daughter of my sisters partner so while not biologically part of 'my' family, she is just as important as the others. My parents include her as their grandchild and we all love her and are just as proud of her as if my sister gave birth to her. She is not adopted but we don't consider that important.

[MistyFying]

SJL how hurtful for you and your daughter Can you have a quiet word with your family and let them know that while you are very happy a new baby is being born into the family, that their comments about that baby being the "first" grandchild etc are hurting your feelings. Explain that you would hate for your little one to overhear these comments, as that may "lessen" her sense of belonging in your extended family. You said that over the years you thought they had embraced your daughter... and maybe they have and this hopefully is some thoughtless comments made by people who haven't really thought through the consequences of their words, rather than some intentional statements by people who don't see your daughter as part of the family. I hope you can work it out.

A word of caution if I may? Even though your family's comments about your daughter are hurtful, the little bub about to be born is also an innocent in this situation. Try to walk a higher path and embrace that little one into your family, even if you think the favour isn't being returned.

I hope this works out for all of you, and that your daughter continues to feel loved, valued and a significant part of your wider family

[SJL]

Thank you all for your thoughts and support.

I have spoken to a couple of people in my family about how their comments have been making me feel and they don't seem to get my point. My father plays dumb when I have discussed it with him, he ignores my comments and changes the subject.

My daughter's birth age is 14yrs but developmentally she is about the same as a 1-2 yr old, her understanding at times is the same as a toddler and occassionally appears to be age appropriate (it varies on the circumstances and environment). She is currently diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and an Intellectual disability.
Thank fully she has not heard any of the comments (While this is the main focus of conversation, I am avoiding haveing her involved in conversations and I am unsure how much she would understand/take in anyway), but she has been picking up how I am feeling and has become very clingy which she does when I am upset.
Her disability was why I adopted her, It was either me or institution style accomodation, which is not right for any child especially a child with her needs.

The new baby will not be treaded any differently by me because of the families attitude. The baby is not the one making the hurtful comments and who knows maybe by christmas when the baby is due to join us they may have realised and gotten over thier initial excitement.

Thank you.

[~clover~]

I would tell them how you are feeling.
How old is your daughter? I'm guessing she is at least 6. She may have a disability, but that doesn't mean she doesn't know whats going on.
I'd just try to explain that it is hurting you & your daughter to hear them say some of those things. Surely they could consider the feelings of a child, related or not.
My brother has a daughter who isn't his biologically, but as I said, she is his daughter. My parents weren't too happy about it, & are still a bit wierd about it, but when she's around they are nanny & poppy & they love her just as much as they love my children.
I think being raised with their parents makes it hard to deal with for them too as she is Mauri & we are white. 40 years ago, them & Aboriginals weren't as accepted as they are now, my parents were raised that way.
But it has only been 18 months for us. 6 years is pushing it in my opinion.