Advice that makes you feel guilty or inadequate....

[BellyBelly]

For an article, can you please share any stories of when you have been given advice by friends, family or strangers which have made you feel guilty, insecure or inadequate? What did they say and how did you feel? How do you think that impacts on you and what you would like to do?

ARTICLE NOW COMPLETE: "But You're Doing It All Wrong..."

[visitor1]

When Chelsea had her 6 month check-up with the MCHN, she had not gained a real lot of weight in the 8 weeks since last weigh in. I was telling the nurse that we hadnt started on solids as yet but was drinking 220ml bottles 4 time a day and that her sleeping was an issue. The nurse turned around and told me i must be doing it all wrong and the reason why she wasnt gaining weight was because and i quote 'You must be starving her, oh Chelsea is mummy starving you'?

I cried all the way home believing i had been starving DD when i hadnt....she was just an active child who wasnt interested in solids and i still didint fell 100% confortable with giving them. SHe has never been heavy...always gradual weight gain, the nurse herself said she is probably going to be a petite child most of her life. I felt like a failure and neglecting my child. SO i asked everyone that seen DD 'Does she look under fed to you?', to have everyone say 'Hell no'. I even asked my GP if she was healthy and right and he said of course she is, why do you ask. Told him and he said that you can go by everything the nurses tell you.

Now that i dont see that nurse cos she is always so busy and booked out, i have a great one. Makes me feel like the best mum in the world and is full of praise. Goes out of her way to help with any issues and listens!!!!

[Roryrory]

Kel I know that is is not what you are after but honestly nothing anyone has ever said to me has made me feel that way. There have been plenty of times I have felt guilty, insecure or inadequate, but it has always been because of something I have read which made me worry that Flynn wasn't doing what he should when he should or something similar. I don't know if I am thick skinned or just arrogantly secure in what I am doing with him, but if anything I think it comes from speaking to other mums and hearing their stories of being made to feel bad by things others have said that prepped me in advance to not get upset IYKWIM? I have heard so many negative stories about things my MIL said to my SIL for example, which I thought were all really stupid, that when she gave me advice I just shrugged off all her suggestions. Like she keeps telling me I should give Flynn Valergan (?) to get him to sleep better at night. I just think she's nuts even suggesting it, because I have it firmly planted in my mind that most babies DO NOT sleep 12 hours straight. Like I said, maybe arrogance, but I think it is more to do with empathy for other mums who have been given a hard time.

[krisp]

When my DS was 10 days old my Mum told me the reason that he was crying all the time was that my milk wasn't "strong enough" and that I should just stop bothering with breastfeeding and give him a bottle!

[MantaRay]

My MIL was great when Jack was born. So when she offered to come and stay when Tom was born we agreed (and paid for her airfares to boot). She was due to arrive on my birthday, 2 weeks before Tom was due. Tom then upset the apple cart by arriving 3.5 weeks early. DH paid more money to change MIL's flight so she arrived the day I got out of hossy.

After the first couple of days at home, Tom became colicky. He was crying a lot, day and night. MIL was downstairs, we were upstairs, but she kept saying she couldn't cope with the crying and she needed sleep. In one breath she told me I was "insane for feeding him so often" (this is after she overheard me telling my cleaner that he had been feeding every hour that morning - around the time of the 6 week fussy period) - in the next breath she told me I wasn't doing enough to stop him crying. She told me I was not thinking clearly and should be trying other things like formula and taking Tom to a GP as clearly he had reflux (this was in her mind as her niece's DD had just been diagnosed with reflux). I told her it wasn't reflux as he could lie down comfortably. I told her I had spoken to the child health 24 hour help line and the ABA 24 hour help line and she said "that's no good, he needs to go to a doctor. All you do when we ring the nurses is keep in them work" - WT??? The crunch was at 4am one morning when she stormed up the stairs and screamed at me "I need some sleep, you need to be a better mother and take that child to a doctor. And give him some formula. Why are you so stubborn? You don't know everything".

I bawled and bawled, I am crying now remembering. I had been such a confident Mum until that point. That turned me into a blubbering mess and made me start resenting Tom (lucky that didn't last long once I was getting some sleep again). My resentment towards MIL however remains. Why did she have to make me feel so bad at a time when I most needed emotional support? Why am I still crying about it?

[RhiChiChi]

Melanie,
Hugs hun, she sounds like a complete you-know-what.

Personally I can't think of anything atm....

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Melanie, that's awful!

Here are a few from my mum that still hurt.

DS was 3-4m old: "He's not sleeping through? I wonder what you're doing wrong. You and your sister slept through from 8 weeks. I wish my mum were alive, all hers slept through from 6 weeks; she was good with babies." All that remains of that is that I'm doing something wrong and am bad with babies, in particular my baby. Of course, my mum has now remembered my sister was up all night until she was just over a year old and has backed off with the sleeping (DS now gives me ~6h a night in a stretch, 11h overall) but the "bad mother" label is all I hear now when we talk.

Compound that with "Is he good?" "Yes, he's perfect." "Oh, so when did he start sleeping through?" conversations with every stranger in the world (or so it seemed at that point) and I was so stressed DS's sleep was worse thanks to my upsets.

Then at 7m old (just 2w ago):
"You don't need to breastfeed that much, he should be on solids all day. You just had one feed at night when you were 7m old." I know I was the dream baby who just adapted to all my mum did, never bit, slept through, OK hated company but otherwise perfection as the media portrays it, but breastmilk is so much bbetter than solids for DS and I know this (I even do voluntry work as a scientific translator for a BFing charity) but the whole "you are doing it wrong" thing just makes me feel so inadequate as a mother, as if I am damaging my son and a complete failure.

MiL told me pre-birth the best advice she ever had was to start as you mean to go on. I did - demand feeding, no playing at night, cloth nappies, never letting DS cry... she keeps saying I need to think about how I mean to go on. Like this, believe it or not! But MiL doesn't upset me like my mum does.

[Danni]

I have been told that my baby is an emotional baby because he is breastfed. And if I stopped breastfeeding him then he would sleep better and stop crying

[paradise lost]

My XMIL phoned about 5 times a day for the first week for "updates". Inevitably she called at least once when DD was crying, and screamed "Get that baby on a BOTTLE for chirst's sake! You're obviously starving it!" and then gave me a lecture about "hungry cry" etc. Of course it was just the witching hour, DD's belly was plenty full, but it hurt. I gave the phone to XP and said "Tell your mother she needn't call anymore" but of course he didn't.

Bec

[Tobily]

I can honestly say I was always confident with what I was doing with my kids until DD got to about 2 1/2 and wasn't toilet trained.

All of a sudden I had grandparents on both sides, friends, daycare - everyone - on my case about it and I honestly didn't have a clue what to do. We had tried and failed a few times and I knew in my gut that she wasn't ready, yet everyone else thought she should be.

A couple of weeks ago she got up one day and decided she wasn't wearing nappies anymore and was using the toilet so PFFT to them.

Oh and I also got a lot of "are you sure you have enough milk" and "maybe your milk isn't strong enough" when my breastfed DS wasn't sleeping

[StrawberryMumma]

Not really what you are after but..

While we were visiting a family member one time, when DD was about 14 weeks, I was cuddling/rocking her to sleep and this family member watched me for a while and then said (in the most patronising tone EVER) "Do you ALWAYS put her to sleep that way?" I felt embarrassed as if I was doing the unthinkable by rocking my bub to sleep..(A baby who is a refluxer and struggles to manage to sleep in any position anyway)..This person and her DH believe strongly in letting a baby cry itself to sleep, as their kids did. Which resulted in them kids sleeping through the night by 8 weeks..blah blah blah...(I am not critising that way of thinking but it's not what I want to do OK!)

And also being asked:
"How is she sleeping?" (DD that is)
I replied "Oh, still waking 3-5 times a night"
"How old is she now?"
I replied "16 weeks"
"Yeh, it's probably time to let her cry isn't it"

(NO!)

[MrsFabuloso]

Ooohh I have so many I could fill a book!

Why is it that so many of these stories are about mothers to their daughters? Don't they remember how hard it was being a new mummy or mummy to a young child or new baby?? And also why so many about bf, again don't they remember what it was like? Surely they do!

Yes, my story is about bf and my mother...

Soon after my DD was born I went to the Dr as she was crying ALL day and not settling at all at any time of the day, I had her on me all day, trying to feed her, trying to settle her, trying to get her to sleep. I was at my wits end and was feeling really depressed. When I saw the Dr. she said she thought I didn't have enough milk and to give top ups after a bf. I did as I was told and that night DD slept through for 10hrs (for the first and last time!!). When I was talking to mum about it a few weeks after she said 'Well I told you, but you went all funny and weird. You wouldn't listen you just wanted to bf her. I didn't want to upset you. You know, I was good at bf'ing- I fed all of you until you were 9months at least. I fed your brother even though he was 9 weeks early and I had to travel on the train for an hour with a 14 month old toddler twice a day. And the nurses used to take my extra milk to feed the other premi babies... I used to have a shower and the milk would hit the wall 3 feet away! I just don't know why you're not good at it because I was! ' I felt like a bad enough mother for having starved my baby unknowingly for a week, let alone having her tell me she knew all along but didn't want to hurt my feelings....well geeze, maybe if you supported me and came over to help me (she lives a 10min drive up the street away and has been to my house 8 times in 2 1/2yrs and yes I have counted! )maybe I would have been more successful. AND I am NOT you!! Grrrr... it makes me angry just remembering it, not to mention the fact that I have heard the story a thousand more times before and since. And now she is keeping at me for continuing with bf even though I need to comp. feed. She tells me I am wasting money even though I have told her that it is so much healthier for DD to have any bm, even if it is only a little bit. Besides the fact that I WANT to do it.

Another time at my Grandmothers house I was putting DD to sleep, rocking her in my arms and my nan said 'Do you always rock her like that?' I said 'Yep it's the only way she'll sleep without screaming.' Nan 'Ohh you're making a rod for you're own back you know you'll never be able to get her to sleep without it' Mum now pipes up and says 'She lets her sleep with her sometimes too!' Me (getting defensive) 'Only if she wakes up at 5am, its the only way we can sleep after then, otherwise we're up at 5.00' Nan 'Oh well we used to get up at that time, our generating had so much more to do we weren't lazy like your generation' (WTF??!!) She has no idea how lazy I am or not, I didn't tell her that I had been up five times prior to putting DD into my bad as a last ditch attempt to get more than an hours sleep at a time! So not only was I a bad mother 'making a rod for my own back', I was also lazy now as well as having nothing to do (with a new born...yeah right).

I could add more but I would be here forever....needless to say my mother often talks without thinking, even though she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and says she is thoughtful of what she says to me. I'd hate to hear her let fly and tell me what she's thinking...

[aussienic]

i got the usual. I was feeding to much or not giving enough solids

but the most annoying ones are to do with toilet training

My eldest wasn't TT till 2 and a half and I was getting comments at 18 months. thankfully I was smarter to not let these comments bother me to much but it is knowing I was being spoken about behind my back that hurt

oh and that I am a chicken for not wanting to leave my baby or even my kids at the age they are at nowto go away on a holiday or out overnight. DH and I just don't want to

[Nadine216]

This could be a bit of a cliché, but everytime I hear the phrase: Breastmilk is best for baby for the first six months. That is everytime I pick up her tin of formula.
I could only breastfeed for three months and then I gave up! So I feel guilty that I did not have more patience or willpower to keep breastfeeding and gave her the best possible start to life. DD was not gaining enough weight and was constantly hungry. My milk was getting less and less - don't know, but think it was stressing about her crying the whole night and not gaining the weight.
Don't get me wrong - I know that dd is well cared for and I know that it was the best move for us. But with all the breast is best campaining going around, there is that stubble regret and guilt.

[Ashlee]

When DS is crying and people say "Oh there is somethig wrong with him, babies don't just cry for no reason". Uhhhh yeh, they do!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

A midwife visited me at home and I had to go into hospital because he wasn't feeding and clearly had never fed because look, when he feeds he's not doing XYZ... touching the two of us as he fed. I have felt bad about starving my baby for ages, especially cos it felt like he was feeding - talking to a LC earlier today she pointed out midwives have no training for this, babies don't always need feeds and as DS was refusing breast, bottle and cup he was full!

[~clover~]

I'm another one who felt guilty every time I picked up the formula tin. With my first DD I bf exclusively for 6 weeks, crying in pain every time then breast & bottle til she was 10 weeks, then it all got too much & I just decided to go with the bottle. I was also a young mum at 18. Every time she got sick for the next 2 years & I saw gp's, nurses, or what ever & they asked if she was bf or bottle I felt that they thought I was just another young mum who has no idea about having a baby. She is now 5 & asthmatic & I still wonder if bf longer would've made a difference.
When I was in hospital I was an hour from home, so didn't get many visitors, & I felt that they treated me different as well. DP - now DH, tried to come see, but had no license at the time, so only got there 2 or 3 times over the 4 days, & I felt that the nurses pretty much ignored me. They'd walk right past me to the next lady wo I swear had the ugliest baby & go on about how beautiful the baby was & stuff & walk straight back past me. I felt horrible the whole time I was in there.
I think they just saw me as a young single mum who is useless & only had a baby coz I didn't know how to use protection. They didn't know anything about me. Every time I went out in public with out DP I felt like every one around me was thinking the same.

[Michelle71]

I think because breastfeeding is such an unquantifiable feeding method (we don't see EXACTLY how much they are taking) that as new mums we feel the pressure from the comments of others so much more acutely.

I felt inadequate with a slow growing baby and a low supply due to poor attachment. Each comment from the MCHN felt like a personal affront (even if it may not have been).

Suggestions from my parents, my sister to supplement with a bottle of formula was made with my well being in mind - they felt I was reaching exhaustion due to the 1-2 hourly feeding I was doing to increase supply, increase my babies weight and meet his nutritional demands. They felt a single bottle would not hurt and would give me the opportunity to have a sleep and rest. From my perspective at the time it felt like an attack, like I was failing to achieve breastfeeding and failing my baby. Like they were justifying their own feeding choices and having me follow the same path supported their decisions.

The comments from my MIL (although I mostly love her to death there are moments ......... ) that every time he cried "he must be hungry". Not the comment you want to hear when you have been struggling with weight gain, supply etc

All I wanted was someone to say - I am here to support you in whatever you choose to do. How can I help?? For the MCHN - I wanted to be told we have these options available, have them explained and then have them ask me what would I like to do!! I wanted someone (besides my gorgeous DH who learnt to do this early and regularly) to tell me I was doing a great job.

This vulnerability in early mothering experiences also makes you more fragile to the comments / advice from others - well meaning or otherwise!! Today, for example, I had one women tell me my baby was hungry (he was tired and doing his usual cry before sleeping) and another tell me my baby was very skinny (he is lean but VERY healthy and fine, thank very much!!!!) Hormones, sleep deprivation and not being sure of what you are doing can make these comments much more hurtful and increase the insecurity you have in knowing how to be the best mother to your baby. You can go from confident to feeling inadequate in the blink of an eye from one flippant comment by someone close to you or a stranger.