Controlled Crying is bad, mmkay?

[Artechim]

I have often wondered how different life would be if I had just drawn a line in the sand at say 6-8 months and did a CIO routine. I have spent the last 5 years sleep deprived and it has nearly cost me my marriage and has made life just suck at times. In 2012 I think I got 3 hours of straight sleep about 5 or 6 times. It is no way to live.

Current thinking on brain development suggests that if a child is constantly neglected during the first three years when the brain is most rapidly developing, it will alter brain chemistry. However, crying for say 5 nights out of the first three years is a very small proportion of their needs not being met and while not nice to think of them lying there screaming it is highly unlikely to have an ongoing effect in their development.

It is all good to speculate how bad CC is when you have a good or even a bad sleeper. But when you have an absolutely horrid sleeper that wakes every hour or two for over a year (and three kids in a row that did it!) then you know how low you can sink when you aren't getting the basic requirements of sleep.

In hindsight, I think I should have done a controlled crying system. It would have made the time I spent with my kids when they were little more enjoyable for us all if I wasn't tired and on the edge most of the time.

[Heaven]

I am not a fan of CC at all. I don't think at any age I would let my child cry to sleep. When they were little I fed or rocked them to sleep for every sleep. Neither of them were great sleepers. DD1 was worse, waking every 45 mins for months on end. That was truly horrible.

The turning point for me, when I decided to 'do' something, was when I thought they understood me. When I could explain to them what I wanted. And when they could talk and tell me what was wrong. Then I felt I was able to change things and start getting them to sleep better because I could explain to them. So I night weaned both at around 16 months. They did protest about that but we just cuddled them to sleep instead and it wasn't long before they were both mostly sleeping through. I also taught them to put themselves to sleep for day naps. It was around 2 years for DD1 and a bit earlier for DD2. I just explained to them, and layed with them to get them to sleep and gradually stayed there less and less. They did get upset at times but it was ok because they were at an age we could talk about it. I still feed DD2 to sleep half the time because she is still learning. If she's too tired she has trouble and will tell me 'I'm upset, I need some booby'.

We have always stayed with them to go to sleep at night. We like that time with them at the end of the day and will only change that if it becomes a problem. DD1 was recently taking longer and longer to get to sleep at night and mucking around so we have now started just staying with her for a bit and then leaving and she goes to sleep by herself much quicker.

So for me, it has always just become obvious when the time was right that I could change things, and we've tried to do it in a way that no trust is lost and the kids feel safe and understand what's happening, even if they don't like it at first. It has worked for us. I think you can definitely make changes and still do it in a gentle way if that's what you want

[LuluHB]

It is all good to speculate how bad CC is when you have a good or even a bad sleeper. But when you have an absolutely horrid sleeper that wakes every hour or two for over a year (and three kids in a row that did it!) then you know how low you can sink when you aren't getting the basic requirements of sleep.

In hindsight, I think I should have done a controlled crying system. It would have made the time I spent with my kids when they were little more enjoyable for us all if I wasn't tired and on the edge most of the time.

I agree with this completely. Until you've had to function daily with severe sleep deprivation, you've no idea how hard it really is and I think CCing (and I mean controlled, not just abandon them as was advocated to me) can be by far the lesser of two "evils". Caring for a baby and/or other children while being sleep deprived can be a far more dangerous scenario than leaving them to cry a bit. For me the very hard part is getting the balance between doing what is the most beneficial for the entire family and what I can live with in the way of DD3's crying.

Pholi - yes, I have done the same thing with all my kids. Sure, you experiment a bit because they are all individuals and respond to different things, but as a general rule my approach to sleep is the same for them all. They have all been cuddled to sleep. None have been left to cry. What I find changes is that one may like to be held a different way to another, one settles better with me walking around the house cuddling whereas another I need to stay still in a chair in her room. That sort of thing. Fundamentally the same though