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Thread: Feel like a bad mother!!

  1. #1

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    Unhappy Feel like a bad mother!!

    I feel so bad right now. There must be something wrong with me, I cannot be normal. What sort of a mother shouts at their 7 week old baby to SHUT UP!! That is what I have been doing, and not just the one time. He just never sleeps and when he is awake all he does is cry. I cannot take him anywhere as he cries in the car, cries in the pram, just cries everywhere. And all he wants to do is feed, feed, feed! I feel like a jersey cow as I have him attatched nearly all the time!! I love him so much and he is so cute he brings tears to my eyes when he looks at me, but I am SO very sleep deprived that I feel like I am falling apart. I only get between 1 to 2 1/2 hours sleep a night and have visitors nearly every day so I don't get to sleep when he is finally asleep. DH went back to work yesterday and he does 12 hour shifts so I am finding it hard to adjust. Am I a bad mother for telling him to shut up and that he is driving me nuts?? I feel so awful



    Nita

  2. #2

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    Nita - it is the sleep deprivation talking please don't think yourself a bad mother. I'd be putting a sign on the door saying Mums and bubs sleeping please come back later. Getting one of your nearest and dearest to take bubs for a walk or something so you can rest. Taking the phone off the hook or letting it go striaght to answering or anything you can to minimise your visitors so you can rest and sleep a bit more. As improtant as visitors are to our sanity as SAHM sleep is just as important and while we aren't getting enough of that the world is just not the same. Is he feeding/attaching well enough now that you can feed lying down so you can get some rest during these ongoing feeding sessions. Just a couple of tips. I do say though that if it is really getting on top of you and you aren't coping please speak up and contact someone to talk through the issues.

    Big hugs for you Nita - and I am sending sleepy vibes your sons way so that you can catch up a bit yourself. And remember the house can wait.

    I'm sure others will have some other ideas for you that might be more useful.

  3. #3

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    Oh Nita Sweetie,

    You are not a bad mother you just need some sleep. I would put a sign on the door definatly. Sorry I can not help you with BF queries as I FF all my babies but I am sure there are ladies here that can help. Also try talking to your CHN they may be able to help. I hope you are feeling better soon and sending you heaps of sleep vibes.:hugs:

  4. #4

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    Oooooh I did similar things as well and usually in the middle of the night waking my DH up It's so hard to stay calm & collected when you've had no sleep & can't figure out what's wrong with a baby that can't do anything to tell you other than cry.

    You're not a bad mum.

  5. #5

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    Nita,
    We all have those moments and believe me we all regret them and repeat them. Don't bash yourself up, your doing your best and babies are not easy, they're demanding little bundles, who constantly crave your attention.
    You are not a bad mother, your tired and exhausted and working hard. You need to get some rest, try to cut the visitors down till you can get some, explain the situation to them, I'm sure they'll understand.
    Hope your feeling better soon, best of luck to a fantastic mother who's giving her all!!!

    Kelly


  6. #6

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    Awww, Nita you poor thing :hugs:
    You're not a bad mother! I think being sleep deprived for 7 weeks would definately cause your stress levels to rise!
    Do you have someone else you could call on for help.... Mother, sister, sister in-law, close friend? Someone that could take bubs for a couple of hours to give you a sleep??? Bub will probably cry for them, but it really doesn't matter! They will understand why you need the break. It would be great if you could have someone (or a few different people) come around most days to give you a break. Just until you're feeling better!
    Its not that you're doing a thing wrong that your baby is unsettled! Some babies just cry and thats ok, but you really need to think about yourself and your sanity.

    Chin up sweety. I hope you are feeling better soon. Your baby is lucky to have you!

  7. #7

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    Honey you aren't a bad mother at all - quite the contrary, I think you are NORMAL. Everyone goes through this stage, chin up, it doesn't last forever, and you will barely remember it a year from now. Take baby steps, just get through one day.. then the next.. then the next. If the housework doesn't get done.. hmmph.. who cares... no-one is judging you, and if they do, kick em the hell out of your house cos if they are there to judge and not pitch in and help, you don't need them there.

    I still yell at mine to shut up when he's screaming and he's nearly 14 months old. Although he does scream a lot louder than he did at 7 weeks.. haha!!!!! We all go through it.

    Big :hugs: for you.

  8. #8

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    A normal sleep deprived mum tells a 7 week old to shut up, that's who!!!

    Alrighty here we go....

    Your visitors need to help you, not be waited on or just sit around. Schedule them so you know when they are coming, and plan tasks for them to do. Talk to a couple of responsible ones and ask them to sit with your baby or take baby for a walk when you visit so you can get some rest. Your little one will be fine for a hour or two without a feed. Take the phone off the hook when baby is asleep so you can sleep, lock the doors and put up a do not disturb, baby and mum sleeping sign. If people expect to be waited on, give them a task to do when they come like hang out your washing or something. Make a list of these tasks and put it on the fridge so visitors can see things they can do to help out. If visitors don't help you, or don't look after the baby to give you some rest, then they really aren't what you need at this point in time.

    With the crying, I know how it can drive you insane, it used to feel like needles being stuck in my eyeballs to me. You do need a break from it, if your visitors aren't helpful perhaps a neighbour or another new mum? You could do a deal - each looks after 2 babies for 2 hrs every second day to give the other a time to sleep. Just another though, there's nothing medical going on is there? Just checking all is well with baby. Some babies are just criers, which makes you more of a legend for surviving every single day, and makes you feel more alone as volunteers to help can be scarce.

    Wishing you well Nita.

  9. #9

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    Firstly huge hugs!

    Secondly, you're a good mother! We all lose patience at one time or another. And being sleep deprived is the WORST thing. You can't function without sleep.

    Your little one, wanting to feed all the time sounds like my friend's baby who had silent reflux. She would scream and want to feed, because it made her feel better (temporarily), then she'd scream again. It might be worth looking into?

    The other suggestion I wanted to make is, if you haven't already, perhaps look into getting a sling. If it is relfux that's causing your little one to cry, that will help keep the acid down (being more upright) and you can get stuff done whilst they sleep.

    I hope you find the answers you need and some much deserved sleep really soon.

    Celsie. xoxox

  10. #10
    kajolo Guest

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    You are not a bad mum, and you are not alone i have been where you are with my older two and it was so so hard.

    Others have given you some fantastic advice, prehaps even get a relative to make you up some food that you can store in a air tight container and prehaps freeze?
    For the days when things are just to chaotic.

    you are not alone, you are NOT A BAD MUM.

    I hope that your son has a rest so you can get some sleep.

  11. #11

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    That doesn't make you a bad mum at all. It's very normal to lose patience when we're tired and then on top of that not being able to stop our bub from crying.

    I would certainly be telling visitors to either not be dropping in all the time or like has been said... set them to work to help you... cook you a meal, do your washing, clean your bathroom...! A sign on the door would be a great idea so that they have to stop and think before they dare to knock!

    I had to end up buying a hug a bub as Oskar just wouldn't sleep if I put him down. I could even lay down and rest with him strapped on me. I would prop pillows up so I was on an angle... kinda like 45 degrees and lay against them and cos he was in the hug a bub he couldn't roll off. Sometimes I would lay down and feed him and wake up later with him asleep on my boob...lol. At this age you do whatever works for you both. He will feed a lot at the moment as he's growing very rapidly, and yes you do feel like a cow but it does slow down and they do go for longer between feeds!!

    I hope something works for you. it does get better

  12. #12

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    Thanks so very much ladies for all your replies. I am so pleased to have just made it through today. My DH has arrived home and now I can have a rest for a while. I have taken bub to the Dr and Hospital, called the Parenting Line, and been to the parenting centre to try to find an answer to why he is like he is. Could be lactose intolerence, lactose overload, reflux or that he is just a crier!! My GP is trying to get me into his paediatrician so we can try to get to the bottom of it. Another of his problems is he gets overtired and then he is even harder to settle. I did wonder about growth spurts as well. Would one be happening around about now? Thought maybe that is why he is feeding so much. I just really hope that it gets better soon or I will go insane!!

    Nita

  13. #13

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    Nita: I still feel guilty for telling my DS to shut up in those early weeks. I was so tired that I just lost the plot and felt like couldn't go any further. DS just cried and cried and cried for hours on end, nothing would stop him. I tried a paediatric chiropractor and overnight he was a different bub. Still cried, but it was about 80%less. Turns out his hips were out of alingment from his birth.

    So just be easy on yourself, so many of us have BTDT and no, you are not a bad mother :hugs:

    Lv Spring

  14. #14

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    Oh hun, when the MCHN came for her first visit I practically threw DS at her and burst into tears .

    Prop the end of the cot/bassinette with a phone book or something.
    Put the moz on the visitors OR ask them to hold bubs whilst you shower, or take for a walk etc etc.
    It won't kill them to do the dishes for you either.

    Sleep deprivation...omg. I never wanna go there again.

    Good luck for tonight.

  15. #15

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    Lulu, you reminded me of my first MCHN visit where I really covered myself in glory. Anyhow, I let her in and said very confidently "follow me, DD's in here sleeping." Walked to our bedroom, over to the cradle, bent down to pick up DD. OMG - empty cradle.

    Then I remembered DD was in the other room! MCHN gave me odd look.

    Darl, you're so not a bad mother. Everyone goes a bit hazy, loopy, angry when they're not getting enough sleep.

    As the others have said, only let people in who are going to help. Don't put yourself through social visits at this time.

    Hope things get better for you soon.

  16. #16
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    for your own sanity, set some boundaries.

    try not to say YES to every request for a visit.

    maybe limit visits to ONE per day, at a time that suits you.

    be totally selfish, you are no good to anyone all worn out.

    you are not at all terrible, you're just under a huge amount of stress on top of neglible sleep

    it's tough to take care of your own needs, when you're trying to be polite and grateful for everyone's interest in your bub - but if they really care for you and the bub, they will respect your wishes. If they get huffy, well i don't think they are thinking of anyone but themselves.

    Make a list of stuff you think of, that needs to be done, when no-one is there. So if you get asked at a visit, and go blank, you can just say - there's a list on the fridge etc.

    Never edning chores like washing dishes, hanging out washing, if you can, ask for those to be done.

    my fave help is when people just jump in and do what they see needs doing, i hate having to spell it out - but then again, doing that meant NONE of my visitors actually helped me in practical ways - they all assumed SOMEONE was doing this, but not them.

    set boundaries - you are important - you are a mummy now and you need all your strength for yourself and bubs -not to be entertaining visitors, or staying awake when all you want to do is sleep.

    put yourself and your baby first - if other people don't get it - too bad.

  17. #17

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    Oh I thought of something that I thought was a classic. One of the BB members (can't for the life of me remember who) would rock baby to sleep, or try to, while singing the Black Eyed Peas song Shut Up! Good to vent your frustration & bub might enjoy the singing

  18. #18

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    That's funny Sarah!

    I've been known to sing Voodoo Child by Rogue Traders. There should be a specially compiled BellyBelly CD!

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