Anyone feel like me?

[Starmama]

Hi, I am new to this forum and after reading many of the threads feel like I have finally found somewhere where I can speak freely about something that has really been bugging me since the birth of my fourth son last year - I am sad that I don't have a daughter! I feel really awful saying it and even as I write this, I am overcome by guilt as I have wonderful boys (including a set of twins). I feel like I am the only one who has ever experienced this type of depression as I can't find any literature on this subject and it isn't the type of thing you can discuss at playgroup! Please don't think I am a bad mother for feeling this way as I am at the point where I would do anything to just stop wishing for a girl but for some reason I can't! I have even started taking antidepressants as I think I may be post natal but while I feel a little better, the longing and feelings of dissapointment are still there. I would love to hear from others who may have felt the same way and I want to know if these feelings go away or if I will always be unhappy. We always wanted five children and I would love another one but I don't feel I could handle anymore comments from insensitive people when I am out and about and I really feel that the chances of me having a girl are pretty much nil. I have never tried any "methods" for getting a girl before as I really wasn't that worried until boy no. 4 was born and I guess reality hit that I wasn't going to have that little girl and my best friend for life!My husband and family are fantastic. Please don't judge me as I am a really dedicated mum and I am trying my hardest to get over how I feel. Your comments are really appreciated!

[hannanat]

oh don't feel bad - it's a perfectly natural feeling. No-one will judge you. Some people are happy with all boys or all girls and some people would prefer a mix. That doesn't mean you aren't grateful for your little guys Will you have any more kids? There is a spot in here somewhere for large families, too.

[Debbie Lee]

I don't think anyone hear would judge you for expressing your feelings, Starmama.
I completely understand the desire for you to have a little girl. It doesn't mean you love your sons any less but if it's something you've had your heart set on for a long time, how could you not be disappointed that it didn't eventuate?
So you have 5 boys?
I know my DH's ex boss has 7 boys. They are very open and honest when they say they were trying for a girl. After 5 boys, they decided to stop but their desire to have a girl meant that they had 2 more a few years later. I also heard that they would have kept going but her body just couldn't cope with any more pregnancies.
Does that make them bad parents? Does that mean they love their boys any less (all of which are incredibly successful and handsome!)? Of course not.

I'm one of 4 girls and I know for a fact that my Dad would have liked a boy. He has always maintained that he loves us no matter what but I think he always felt something was missing. My parents did have a boy but he was stillborn (he was their first). So I guess that sense of loss was highlighted by the fact that they had girls after that.
I'd also love to have a boy if possible... simply because I was one of 4 girls. I know my sisters would love for me to have a boy also. We'll have to see what happens but, deep down, I would really love for this bubba to be a boy. I do feel a little guilty for feeling that way but, if it happens to be a girl, I'll love her just the same.... she'll be my baby after all.

Everyone's stories and reasons are different - but your feelings are valid. I think talking about it is the best thing you can do to work through it. Good on you for having the courage to post

[christy]

Starmama you are not alone. On the main site we have some articles about this, and we even have a poll with a bit of a discussion about it here; Gender Disappointment?

Also in the depression & anxiety forum we have discussed the same topic in the past. You are not alone.

I honestly wanted a boy from the moment of thinking of having children. Alas, both of mine are girls.... and although I was so ecstatic to have a healthy child and be able to conceive it took me some time to stop & grieve not having a boy. I know others have felt similarly when having their second or third child and have been apprehensive about the gender of their babies. *hugs* I hope you get the support you are looking for here at BellyBelly.

[*Rae*]

I think you are completely valid in your feelings. I was feeling a bit guilty earlier on in this preg cause i was worried about feeling gender disappointment if i was to have a boy. Now that can seem selfish because i have already been blessed with a daughter - but i really wanted another...i'd love to have 4 daughters! I spoke openly in that thread on this site and was provided with heaps of support.

Fletch is right in that you should grieve the daughter of your dreams - you should not feel guilty about such feelings and it doesn't mean you love your sons any less. Take care and look forward to chatting with you more

[MummaBear79]

Star you are not alone. Although I wasnt 'depressed' when I found out that I was having my second boy, I was very disapointed. Ever since I was very little I always wanted a baby girl. ALL my friends have girls and when they come over I just stare at their little pink outfits....My husband and I have decided to have another baby soon but I am petrified that it will be another boy and I dont want to feel that way. I know I would be blessed to fall pregnant with either sex, because there are so many women out there who cant have babies. But like you, I have this deep need to have my little girl. I am not saying that I dont love my little boys, because I absolutely adore them and I have been very lucky. They are just gorgeous. I have done so much research on 'how to' try for a girl and have even got books. Should I plan it this time?? I dont know....the statistics say it works and it worked for my friend who had two little boys and then a girl. But maybe it was just luck? Anyway I wish you the best of luck if you do try again. Isnt there something called Gender Selection? Its like IVF but they choose an x sperm and fertislise it in a dish....Maybe that is an option for you if you are really desperate?

[mummy2Kaitlyn]

oh Starmama we would never judge you in here!. Never feel bad about the feelings you have as they are yours and therefore justified and none of us would ever think you were a bad mum for wanting a daughter.

Have you tried the methods for trying for a girl ? . There are diet changes (Steve Irwin and his wife used this to get their son) and then there is also not TTC to close to ovulation but doing it a few days before as the Girly sperms survive longer then the boys ..but if the boys see an egg they get to it faster then the girls hehe.

My girlfriend thought she would never have a girl and she has just been told she is having a girl ..finally!...and I have a family friend that had 5boys and then a girl so it is never then end until you stop trying!.

Keep trying :-)

[Starmama]

Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for your kind comments. I am SO going to try and focus on the positives of having a gorgeous big boy family and just enjoy every day. I am so grateful for the opportunity of being able to get those feelings off my chest and I feel really relieved!

Thanks Christy, I read the forum on this topic and it really helped put it all in perspective. Mamabear79 if I was you, I would try to plan for a girl as maybe it would help - I didn't with baby three or four because I didn't really feel that desperate before for a girl and it takes alot of dedication to change your diet and not to mention timing everything...I hope you have a patient husband lol!!! Good luck and I don't have to tell you that you and your family will love that baby no matter what!

Gender selection for non medical reasons isn't an option anymore for us even if we could afford it because as I understand, it has just been made illegal for non-medical reasons. I really want another baby even if God came down and said it will def be a boy, I would still love another opportunity to experience pregnancy, breastfeeding and the joy of seeing my children welcome another sibling. We have always wanted five children. If we do decide to try again, I will definately try planning for a girl using Shettles or whatever and I guess we'll see what happens.

I would love to hear from more people who were desperate for a particular sex and whether their efforts at planning for a particular gender worked or not!

[AmandaJ]

Hi there Starmama, I'm like you I have four beautiful boys, both my husband and I would love to of had a girl but with each of my pg I have fallen before when we were going to try so I couldn't do the timing as Shettles suggests. I would love to have another baby but DH doesn't know if he wants anymore, so we are going to wait until the end of next year and talk about it and if we do decide to have another then I will definately be trying the Shettles method.

hugs xoxo

[Starmama]

Hi Again, I have just been reading the Intercourse Timing and Gender Swaying thread, and it is great, lots of information I didn't realise about what to do to get a boy or a girl and I realise that everything we have done has swayed us towards having boys! Not that I would give any of them up now, but I feel like okay we should try one more time and this time pay more attention to diet, timing etc.

Amanada3, thanks so much for posting I feel like we really have a connection and I don't even know you! We are like you, still deciding whether we will try again but after talking to all you girls out there, I think we will. Besides I had twins first time around so only had three pregancies - I would love another one. Amanda, I am going to send you lots of girly vibes and you do the same for me okay? You are very lucky to be so young, I don't really have time on my side, turning 35 early next year so want to TTC after 12 months break.

I never wanted to try for another baby knowing I would be devastated if I had another boy but after reading the forums, I feel that no matter what I have next time I would be lucky to have five healthy children and if it is another boy, well that would be awesome. I am sure to have lots of granddaughters AND grandsons to love.

[AmandaJ]

Starmama, I will be sending you heaps of pink girlly vibes, if you want to email me to talk more my email addy is mjames68@bigpond.net.au

hugs xoxo

[ShootingStar]

Starmama... although i only have one child at the moment, and did get my wish of having a little boy first, i now am praying that the next is a little girl. DH is an only child and his father has 5 brothers. But in saying that, my older sister was the first girl in 3 generations. So it is possible.
A friend of our family tried the tricks to get a girl and she got one so definately give it a go... i will be..
Best of luck

[jimssteph21]

Starmama - I have been feeling the exact same thing as you have. I have had 3 boys by 3 c/s in under 3 years and fallen using contraceptives (the pill, mini-pill and depo), my OB suggested I consider TL and I did and have regretted it the past few months knowing I will never have the opportunity to have a daughter. I love my boys more than life itself but a girl would just make my family perfect. I feel a little incomplete, knowing I will not have the special bond I have with my mum or get to shop for wedding dresses and all that stuff. I hope you get the daughter that you want with your next pregnancy.

[Starmama]

Wow Steph, you are so young and have three kids already. You are lucky that when your kids are older you will have heaps of your life left and be young enough to travel and do all those things!

I really felt your hurt! I know that incomplete feeling really well. Its a really consuming feeling sometimes isn't it - especially when you picture the future and it looks like we will be the ones left out of everything, like weddings, babies etc.

Deep down I doubt I will have a daughter, and I just have to come to terms with that. The way I see it though, at least with your three or my four (mb five?) we have a good chance of bonding with at least a couple of our daughter in laws, and lots of grandaughters!

After talking about it on this site last week, I feel heaps better about everything and I am able to put it in perspective. I sort of forget that not everyone has daughters, just like not everyone has sons or can afford a large family. And I am very aware now that there are many women trying for just one child and would be happy with whatever they had. My heart goes out to all those women who are trying to concieve against the odds...

Steph, I think that you are very fortunate to have had your son's close together. It is probably hard work now, but at least they will always be close and because of that want to spend time with you all as a family even when they have their own family. This is what I think and it does make me feel much better - I see the future where my boys will want to bring their children and wives home to spend time with their brothers.

Thank you for your message and I hope you start to feel better soon! I really recommend reading the earlier forum on this topic.

Big hugs!

PS - I got pregnant with twins on the full contraceptive and I was very careful as I was still at uni trying to finish a degree, and I fell pregant on the mini-pill when the twins were three months old! (I miscarried early though - sometimes I wonder if maybe that was my girl?)

[Silvia]

You're not alone!!

When I had DD#2 I flet that I wanted a boy, becuase I already got, two beautiful duaghters and wanted a boy, we tried and finally I give birth to a boy in February 2005, My very special child, I call him ,he has a severe case of autism, he's my only boy as I'm currently pregnant with a boy.
We wished for a boy, god sned him to us, in a very special way

[jimssteph21]

And I am very aware now that there are many women trying for just one child and would be happy with whatever they had. My heart goes out to all those women who are trying to concieve against the odds...

That is so true, Star. My older sister has PCOS and has miscarried and the DRs have told her the likely hood of her falling pg is slim. They told her she will also have trouble carrying. She pretends that she doesn't really care anymore but I know that she is hurting. I feel very selfish actually, here I am with 3 healthy boys, but wanting a girl when my poor sis is having a terrible time even trying to have one. I am blessed and I just need be thankful for what I have.
I really hope that things work out the way you want them to.

[sunflowers]

your definately not alone. I was blessed with a daughter and I mean so blessed! I do remember one night just before finding out what sex brooke was, a dream of having 2 boys and I woke up in a panic and I was very sad! it was very hard to describe, it felt so real and I felt so GUILTY for feeling like that.

I just wanted to say its so normal!!!! can i give you some *~*~*~ BABYDUST for goodluck! *~*~*~*~*~

Lisa XO

[MrsBump]

Hi Starmama,
I know a lady who has 4 daughters and now pg with a son and she doesnt want him. I think it is because of the fact that she doesnt know what to do etc. After having 4 girls it would be scary! But I think she is coming to terms with the fact its a boy, she has even chosen a name for him, which is a positive..... I have a son and she loves him, maybe she is scared???
But when i found out i was preg, i wished for a pink bundle, I ended up with a blue bundle and at first i was upset, but now i dont mind. Im actually looking forward to meeting my little man and thinking that he will have a big bro to watch over him and play with him (when he is old enough) etc.
I had a friend tell me that if i had a girl this pg that i should stop having kids coz they cost a fortune to raise..... I was so happy when i told her its another boy, as then i said, "oh and DF and i have decided to have 2 more after this!" Hahahahaha she said i was crazy BUT then proceeded to tell me she wasnt having any more till her DD was 2. Now her DD is just over 1 and she is 14 weeks pg! What a hipocrite (sp?)
Anyways i dont judge you for your feelings, i have had similar feelings aswell. Goodluck when/if you decide to TTC again and i hope you get the pink bundle you dream of!
Jen