How do you get your toddler to go to bed?

[Artechim]

DS is nearly 2.5 and his refusal to go to sleep at night is having a massive effect on our whole family. He keeps on coming out of his room, time after time for up to 2 hours. We have tried cuddles, reasoning, bribery, taking toys away, shutting the door, yelling. Nothing works and he doesn't go to sleep until he is too exhausted to continue.

He gets up around 7am, doesn't have a day nap and then is supposed to go to bed at 8pm but we have been letting him stay up closer to 8.30-9pm because then there is less time spent trying to settle him.

DH has cracked it big time and wants to buy a lockable door knob and just lock him in there. I won't let this happen and it is causing big problems between DH and I.

I don't think he is over tired at all, because even a 20 minute nap means he won't go to bed before 10pm. We go for a walk for about 30 minutes nearly every night to burn off some energy.

Any suggestions for how to get him to go to sleep would be very appreciated because I don't know how much longer we can continue like this.

[BrightSparkles]

I know my DD is younger but we have a set and regular routine:
5.30 - 6pm - Dinne
6.30pm - Bathtime
7pm - Bottle and quiet time. Whether this is sitting on the lounge watching the wiggles with a bottle or cuddles or books
7.30pm - kiss and cuddle for mum/dad whoever isn't putting her to bed then we walk to the bedroom, find teddy, put music on, kiss goodnight lights off, close the door.

There are times where this doesn't work and it takes longer to settle her but a regular routine has helped.
* Can you put a gate on the door instead of a lockable handle? Then your DS will know your still there but can't get out.
* Maybe a go shopping for a toy of his choice that he is ONLY allowed to have at bedtime?
*Do you go in at every cry? Maybe letting him whinge (not to a point of distress) and seeing if he settles and only going in every 5mins or so?
*Is there an obvious reason ( I know my brother had "issues" with things in the cupboard, we ended up making "magic spray")

If I think of anything else i'll come back and post.
HTH in the meantime.

[Trillian]

Maybe you could tell him that he will need to go back into the cot, because a big boy like him should be able to go to bed and stay in bed (I know he should understand that rationale) but if he can't stay in bed he will go back into a cot and it upsets you and Dad when you don't stay in your bed etc. Other than that I really don't know what else you can do, because I know you've tried almost everything already

[Artechim]

Trill, he has never been in a cot. We have tried telling him that it makes us sad but it doesn't do anything. It has been such an on-going nightmare and DH said some things last night that made me realise that it is really affecting their relationship.

Sunshine, thanks for your reply. We always do tea, walk, bath, books then bed. He doesn't usually cry at the start, he just keeps getting up and coming out, then eventually DH will shut the door on him which starts a tantrum. We go in every few minutes, he will calm down but won't get in bed and then comes straight out, the door gets shut again and the cycle repeats until he is so exhausted that he can't keep up the fight any more.

[BrightSparkles]

Trill, he has never been in a cot. We have tried telling him that it makes us sad but it doesn't do anything. It has been such an on-going nightmare and DH said some things last night that made me realise that it is really affecting their relationship.

Sunshine, thanks for your reply. We always do tea, walk, bath, books then bed. He doesn't usually cry at the start, he just keeps getting up and coming out, then eventually DH will shut the door on him which starts a tantrum. We go in every few minutes, he will calm down but won't get in bed and then comes straight out, the door gets shut again and the cycle repeats until he is so exhausted that he can't keep up the fight any more.

HOw long has this been happening for?

[Artechim]

Coming out of his room has been happening for about the last 4 months. I assume it started as some sort of insecurity from having the new baby, now it is a frustrating habit. He will go into his room and announce "I am not going to sleep" and then it begins...

[BrightSparkles]

Could you maybe try some calming relief? I know Brauer do one- maybe it might be enough to settle him. It sounds like you are doing so much already to sort this out.
Hang in there hun, i'm sure it will get better soon. xx

[~*Niadalla*~]

I actually have a baby gate across DS' door. It took about 2 nights until he realised he wasn't able to get out and he's been fantastic ever since. Once I put him to bed (most nights) he just stays in bed until he wakes at 8.30am the next morning. He doesn't generally wake during the night at all and we never hear a peep.

There are the odd nights here and there, but 95% of the time he is great.
He has the same bedtime every night - 7.30pm.

We are going to start trying to take the baby gate away in coming weeks.

[Cally]

Arte - totally know where you are coming from with it affecting your relationship. We have always had a pretty good routine with DD, but she started just slightly pushing the boundaries until before we knew it, it was taking 30 minutes before she would go to sleep (not as long as you, but still not good). Lots of silly requests extending it out as long as she could. She was staying in the bed though.

We just told her that mummy and daddy would check on her once after she went to bed and that was it (talked about it all day too so it was definitely in her head). The first night we both checked on her. She kept whinging. I stood in the doorway and said we were not coming in again and she had to go to sleep. Then we sat on the couch. After about 15 minutes, she had got out of bed and was sitting on the floor in the bathroom behind the cabinet. We put her back to bed and since then bedimes have been pretty much perfect. I was surprised at how relatively easy it was (although I know some people wouldn't agree).

I think you will need to do the gate thing so he can't get out of the room. Still check on him, but try and stretch the timing out a bit and minimise any cuddles etc. I know what you mean about talking about mummy being sad, that's not working for us with the middle of the night wakeups. I agree with you through, I don't like the idea of just shutting the door on them

Also try the star chart, that worked pretty well with his other behavioural issues didn't it?

good luck

[Sammiejane]

We are at a younger age, so i dont know if this will help at all.
MJ went into a toddler bed really early and was fine, but it was taking longer and longer for her to go to sleep, i had to sit with her, she had to play with my hair, she would tell me where to pat her, it went on and on and in the end it was just crazy that i was effectivly playing with her for an hour to get her to sleep.

So now we do things differently.
We do the normal wind down routine, then PJ's on and story time (this can be anywhere between 5 mins to 30 mins depending on her mood), then she goes for a wee and then her night nappy goes on.
Then into bed, and i ask her if she wants some milk (she still has her BF before story time, but recently she has decided that she wants milk too) then i get her the milk, i give it to her cold then ask her if she would like it warmed up (i figure that she is demanding as she is at the age where she wants some control, so I decide what she can have the choices over).
Then i give her the milk, tell her that i love her and give her kisses (again she gets to choose where i kiss, usually its every body part - but thats ok) then i tell her that she needs some quiet time and that i will be back when she has had a rest and drunk all her milk.
I tell her i love her and ask her if she wants her door open or closed.
i walk out... sometimes i have to go back in as she is upset, other times she gets out.
I just remind her that she needs to be in bed and have her milk BEFORE Mummy comes back in and that if she is silly it takes longer. If she gets up, i put her back and then walk out and say the same things over.

You wouldnt believe what a change this has made to my life (and DH as i am not irritable when i have finished putting her down)... sometimes it can be more drawn out, but from having to spend 60minutes sitting next to her (not including story time) to this, its been amazing.

She has NEVER finished the bottle of milk, always alseep half way though!

Dont know id this is helpful at all, but thought i would share

[Campari]

Our DD is 2.5yrs too and has only recently accepted bedtime, despite us having a very calming bath / book / cuddle routine in place for 2 years... She went through a big phase of refusing to go to sleep, and we ended up co-sleeping which we were OK with, but before I had #2 we tried so hard to get her to sleep in her own bed, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I so hear your pain!!

What has worked for us is making a HUGE deal about how good she is to sleep in her own bed. I made a story book with photos of her asleep - right from when she was a baby to now.. just wrote a little story about how she is a big girl and big girls sleep in their own beds, and she can come in to Mummy's bed for little cuddles if she needs to but they she has to go back to her own bed... I covered the book with fluffy material and glittery stars, and she LOVES it. Wants to read it all the time. We also made a big deal about telling people (visitors, friends, childcare teachers etc) "DD was SUUUUCCCH a good girl last night, she slept in her own bed ALL night".. Now when we put her in to bed she wants to know who we are going to tell! If its a childcare day coming up I say "tomorrow I am going to tell Miss Gemma that you were sooooo good and slept in your own bed all night", and DD will remind me to tell her carer as we drive in to the centre! She loves stories about herself, so if she is being stubborn and crying and not settling, I will often sit with her in her room and tell her a story about what she has done throughout the day, and about how clever she was (lots of positive stuff), this seems to calm her down. Then end the story with how good she is to go to sleep in her own bed.

Sorry for long rambling reply. This is all very fresh for us and I totally understand about stressing relationships. My DH is similar and was wanting to let her cry it out, but fortunately we have avoided that and things seem to be going well now. Just in the nick of time, as we had a new baby 3 weeks ago and now he is in our bed and keeping us up late!

Good luck and big hugs. x

[RhiChiChi]

Similar situation here - must be the age (DD is 2.5 yo)....

We pretty much have a routine (dinner, bath/shower, pjs on, milk, quiet time, brush teeth, bed & sometimes a book (depends if DD wants one read or not) etc... but one thing we are constantly doing is telling DD 'in 30 mins it is bedtime, in 15 mins it is bedtime' then 'in 10 mins it is bedtime' and so on.... so she knows that bedtime is coming. Sometimes she'll argue, other times she is ok with it. Depends on her mood.

Another thing we did was to say to DD that we will shut the door if she didn't stay in her bed. Sometimes, no problem, but other times she would be up and then we'd put her back to bed & shut the door. She'd throw the biggest tantrum, I'd give her a little time and then carefully (she was usually right up against the door) open the door & reiterate why we shut the door and tell her that if she doesn't stay in bed, the door will be shut again. Usually only need to do it once & then she won't try it again.

GL. Some great tips from the other ladies

[Artechim]

Another thing we did was to say to DD that we will shut the door if she didn't stay in her bed. Sometimes, no problem, but other times she would be up and then we'd put her back to bed & shut the door. She'd throw the biggest tantrum, I'd give her a little time and then carefully (she was usually right up against the door) open the door & reiterate why we shut the door and tell her that if she doesn't stay in bed, the door will be shut again. Usually only need to do it once & then she won't try it again.

This is what we do, except that it doesn't work and gets repeated over and over for an hour or two (he certainly doesn't get his stubbornness from me ).

Cally, we have a star chart for bedtime, but it seems to be dead in the water - it hasn't been touched for the last few weeks.

We were going reasonably well for a while, with him going to straight to sleep some nights, but then we took away his bottle (due to tooth decay) which has caused it to escalate. I will have a chat to DH about a baby gate, but I suspect that it will take him about 2 seconds to figure out how to open it.

[Fig]

You may not have enough time for this / or have already tried it. After our bedtime routine, I read books to DD then turn out the light and then talk to her quietly about what has happened that day, or what is going to happen tomorrow. Then I tell her its time to go to sleep and that I will stay for a little while. I then just close my eyes and pretend to sleep. She normally falls straight to sleep or at least gets drowsy enough for me to give her a kiss and leave the room.

Luckily for me, the baby goes to bed before her so I have the time for this.

[Cally]

[QUOTE]Cally, we have a star chart for bedtime, but it seems to be dead in the water - it hasn't been touched for the last few weeks.[QUOTE]
Kind of like our star chart for staying in her bed all night.....

Our gate has a latch over the top that requires a grown up hand to open it as you have to squeeze a little button each side as you lift it up. Would be very difficult for him to do (even knowing how clever the little rascal is). However, if he is determined enough he could just charge at it and unless it's fixed into the door frame with screws (which you wouldn't want to do) he could still get it. Fingers crossed he's not that persistent.

What about a bottle of water, would that be OK? Not as much of a tooth decay issue. Or a sippy cup, DD has one from Kala's little stars (I think) that can be upside down and doesn't leak at all. Does he still get his bedtime milk while you read stories etc?

[Ginger]

arte, i'll tell you what we do with L some nights when he won't go to bed. I know W and L have had similar types of sleep issues in the past, so it may or may not work for you. Basically from about 8pm onwards we let him lie in his fold-out couch out in the lounge room with us. eventually when he's nice and relaxed he'll gently fall asleep and then when we go to bed we carry him into his bed. Not an ideal scenerio, i know, but way better than having a fight every night.

[Artechim]

Cally, we tried to substitute a bottle of water - he screamed so loud I thought the neighbours would call the police!

Ginger, unfortunately he seems to be allergic to sleep and if we left him to get sleepy on his own he would be up until at least 10pm every night. I am so glad that L's sleeping has improved so much for you though

We tried going back to the start and sitting in his room with him (thanks Fig) - first night he wriggled around a bit and went to sleep after about 20 minutes, the second night I won front row tickets to an hour long tantrum but tonight it only took 15 minutes. Guess we will keep on going with it and see what happens...

[MrsFabuloso]

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm not sure what everyone has said, but here's some of my suggestions (and by no means am I any kind of exert, my kids are both terrible settlers and sleepers too!

*Maybe try putting him to bed earlier. Just by 5-10mins every 2-3days or so, but maybe a 7pm bed time would be better for him. If he's not having day sleeps and not settling for an hour or two, at least if he's going to bed at 7pm, then he'll be asleep by 9pm at the latest, and he'll get a good 10hrs sleep. I think they still need at least 10-12 hrs sleep a day at his age. And as the saying goes, sleep breeds sleep.

*Maybe try giving him things that will help him sleep, like a small glass of milk before bed, rub some scented oils/creams onto his skin after a bath (massage and relaxing scented oils always make me sleep!) maybe some rescue remedy into a glass of water??

*Have you tried just asking why he doesn't like to go to bed anymore? Is bubs still up when he goes to bed? If baby is still up maybe try putting them to sleep at a similar time with bubs going down first (I know, not that easy!! But if possible it might work!) Maybe let him help set a routine, ask him what he would like to do when it's bed time (ie how he wants to relax, with a story/massage/cuddles with mum or dad on the lounge, if he wants a night light on in his room to fall asleep with, if he wants you to lay with him to fall asleep.....)

Good luck. I hoep you can work it out. I know how frustrating sleep issues are. If it helps you feel better, DH and I are still co sleeping with both our kids, dummies, blankies, laying with them for up to an hour.... so very, really, really REALLY not ideal or how we want it, but it's what we can deal with at the moment, so that's how it is!

Above all consistency is paramount. I know it's hard but if both you and DH can be on the same page doing the same routines, then it will be easier for him to get back into a routine.