Do most partners get up at night to help?

[Doing my best]

If I push him to, DH will get up through the night. I don't expect it every night of him, and when I was BF, he would get up and bring DD to me and put her back to bed. We made a rule that if she is up more than once, then we would have to take turns. Yes, he goes to work to earn the $ to keep a roof over our heads, but if I am really tired from multiple nights of broken sleep, it could be a danger for both me and DD..

Personally I don't think you are expecting too much, but you really need to talk to Shel about it.. Maybe if it was only 1 night a week to start, just so you get a more undisturbed sleep.. Oh and DH used to pull the 'she prefers you' line, but now I give him suggestions on what to do, e.g try rocking her, try just cuddling her etc, and it became a lot easier for him...

Hope it starts working for you..

[Jas]

Hi,

Don't worry this stage, although it feels like it is going forever, will be over before you know it and then you'll miss your little baby! My little 14month old is as we speak doing his new trick, when he doesn't like something lays flat on his back and kicks his legs about in complaint lol That will be Jazz soon enough!!

I have read a few posts lately in regards to Shel so I thought I would offer my opinion. I just wanted to say first though that this is not meant to be offensive at all and if it is or shows a lack of understanding etc than I'm really sorry. So anyway I was thinking well maybe Shel is suffering a bit from the fact that you were the preg one etc and because you are breastfeeding and Jazz is still so young and dependant on you maybe she is feeling left out and maybe that is making her struggle a little with the fact that Jazz isn't her biological child, I know Jazz is her daughter but maybe the DNA is a bit of a thing atm for Shel, if she is saying things like she doesn't like me etc.

I think you should just chat to Shel and ask her to take on a set role at night, such as she is in charge of nappies or 1 nappy change per night or settling after feeds etc and even you could start to consider expressing so Shel could be the one to give a feed at night

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Nope, never, and I'm fine with that... most of the time.

Since DS was moved to his cot I make Anthony get up and get him (which is painfully hard at time because I don't like hearing DS scream), but that's because he doesn't like me co-sleeping. Funny that, co-sleeping is becoming more and more frequent. Apart from that, he hardly used to wake up at night when Alex did. Alex would go on the boob and back to bed. Sometimes I would wake DF to get me a drink or a nappy if it was needed, but apart from that nada.

I find weekends the most frustrating, because that's when i feel like i don't need to be guilty of interrupting his sleep etc.

[~clover~]

I've had 3 now & DH still won't get up through the night. If he's getting ready for work & DS wakes up he will get him & bring him in to me.
Actually the last couple of weeks I have been completely ratsh*t & not waking to DS as quickly as I normally would. I think twice now DH has woken before me & gone to get him. Only to bring him to me though.
He's never been like that before. With DD1 if we woke him up when he had to work the next day all hell would break loose. But he has a boy now & is starting to grow up.
He's still NEVER changed a nappy on the 2 little ones though. Probably 2 on DD1.
Once she gets older Shel might be willing to do more? I know how sad this is, but I keep my expectations low. That way if DH does do something to help me out, I'm blown away!

I know how this is gonna sound, but she sounds like the typical bloke/dad/mum #2 to me iykwim. (I hope that came out the way it was meant to!)

[mum3girls]

I could count the times DH has attended to our DD at night in the last 2 years on one hand - and it really doesn't bother me. Apart from the fact that we discussed our expectations of each other before and while TTC, he has a high-risk job, plus he also doesn't function well on little sleep. The only time it bothers me (a little bit) is when I'm bloody exhausted, it's 3am and I've managed maybe 1/2 an hours sleep - with a baby on my chest Saying that though, I raised my two older DD's as a single teenage parent - and never had anyone to wake up to the kids at night apart from me.

My mantra has been 'this too shall pass' - and it certainly got a workout in the last 2 years. In the big picture, this stage really doesn't last that long, and I try my best to enjoy those delicious moments in the middle of the night when everything's quiet, and I get wonderful cuddles with my DD. Because in the blink of an eye, she'll be a pre-teen (like my other two DD's) and won't stop growing - and I will miss these times.

[Cassius2]

DH gets up at night for us. in the early days (ie first 4 months) it was to get up, change and bring bubs to the bed for me to BF her, then i would wrap her up again and he would bring her back to her bed.
it was a way for him to spend time doing something that was a role for him in her upbringing in those early days, when let's face it bubba is really dependent on the boob giver. also if bubs decided to do an all night cry he would be the one treading the halls etc. or going for very early morning walks.

we choose to have children together, and this extends to being together when the child is born. Yes they work during the day, but so do we. their hours at work may be from 9-5 but ours never end. even when our partners help out we are still very much a part of that process. we need to get as much help as we can. and night-times are the most draining, especially for those of us being with bubs during the day. i can say now that being a mum who stayed home for 6 months then went back to work, that going to work is NOT an excuse for needing to sleep all night. it's bullcr*p. i am more tired and in need of more rest when i am looking after DD then on the days i go to work (where i get lunch breaks, coffee breaks etc).

I know that my DH found it really hard to help out in other respects as he felt that he had no place or role in our DDs life. especially in those early days. discussing the role that they play to you as their partner is really important, and discussing the stuff that they can do with the baby is crucial. i reckon it's a good idea to split the jobs. ie bath time, walks, dressing for the day, preparing the nappy bag etc etc. it sounds arbitrary but soon it will be just a part of your daily life. and it is fantastic to get them involved in the everyday. they may do it begrudingly at first, or different from our way, but that's ok too, relationships take time, even the ones we have with bubs, and soon it will be second nature to both of them to have eachother around.

good luck and take care!

[Bathsheba]

Short answer: my DH will get up unasked if he doesn't have to go to work the next morning... which means most Friday and Saturday nights (and Sunday nights if it's a public holiday on the Monday) he will get up. Also, if I need to go to bed early, say 8pm, then DH will deal with any child that needs help between then and when he goes to bed at about 11.30pm.

[krysalyss]

Hi Leasha. I think it definitely depends on the couple. My DH gets up all the time. When DS was younger and I was bf'ing he would get up and do the pre-feed nappy. We pretty much share it all where biologically possible. But you defintely have to make your views and needs clear and encourage her to do the same. Partners often assume it all comes naturally to the person who carried the child and unless she is feeling the sleep deprivation she probably doesnt understand exactly what it is like. Have a think about exactly what you need and will be happy with to feel loved and supported. Also be assured it definitely does get easier as Jazz gets older but you definitely need to vouch for more support now. Big hugs.

[Karina]

Ohhh its hard isnt it? I dont think youre expecting too much of her. We all need a bit of help and support and it sucks when we dont have any (or much).

In the first few weeks after Claire was born i had a mega sore bum and girly parts and the constant getting up at nights was wrecking me. I physically couldnt sit down because of the pain. He used to tell me "cant you just make her stop crying?" and other stupid comments like that. I went off at him one night and he said was "but i have to sleep too". He didnt get it that me getting up every 2 hours for an hour didnt leave me with much time to get any sleep at all. The thing that used to really irk me was when she'd wake up and cry, and the DH would roll over and put the doona over his head and start "shoosh-ing" her. He insisted he wasnt aware he was doing it. Anyway.

I started off bringing her into our bed and cuddling her but then she'd start crying again and DH would have a hissy fit at me. So I started setting up a bunch of cushions and laying on the floor in the lounge room and feeding her while laying down. She'd fall asleep again fairly soon and then continue feeding while she was asleep, and I'd often fall asleep after about 30 mins of her feeding.

Probably in those first few months (she was waking every 2 hours ta night) and wouldnt settle unless booby... DH helped only a few times. Obviously he cant breastfeed so I wasnt expecting him to do that, but all I wanted was for him to go and get her and bring her to me, or get me a drink or so SOMETHING helpful.... When she had spewed or wee'd on the bed he'd tell me and then not do much about it.

But like Jas said, when I told him I needed more help, he told me that he feels like theres not much that he can do, because he cant breastfeed etc. I found that the more time she spent with him, the more she got used to him. She used to just want me when she was upset, but now she goes to him as well.

Anyway, he started helping me at night more when Claire was about 9 - 10 months old. When she wakes at night, he still waits for me to get up first... and then if I dont he makes a fuss and gets up. I've done plenty of all-nighters with Claire and then gone to work the next day, but its a huge deal for him to get up.

Maybe if you could get shel to help you with bathing, dressing, reading to Jazz she might feel more included? Maybe Shel could put Jazz in the pram or sling and go for a walk with her and you stay at hom and give yourself a bit of a rest. Maybe if she could get up on the nights where she doesnt have work the next day (or something like that) to help you out a bit more?

I hope you can find a good solution.

[~breeze~]

DH & I agreed before having kids that he would get up one night a week for me to let me "sleep through". It actually happened by mistake because we were talking with someone (cant remember who now, may have been his family?) & it came up about parenting etc etc & he said "Oh when we have kids I'll be giving Danielle a night off, it's only fair, it's both our children". He said it to look good but it back-fired when the time came around for us to have a baby & I reminded him of his promise for my "night off".

He wasn't happy but I made him stick to it, well for most of the time he has. He still complains about it & will often get me up to settle DD or DS back to sleep because they "wont settle for him". I also still have to wake him to get up to Tobias as he sleeps through it most of the time, so i dont ever get my whole night to sleep through.

He often starts saying on the Friday night before bedtime (his night to get up) that he's not feeling well or something along those lines so if he doesn't feel like getting up he'll use that excuse. I simply reply "Damn thats gonna suck when you have to get up to Tobias tonight". He quickly miraculously (sp?) recovers!

When DS arrived DH was obviously hoping to get out of the Friday night get ups. I got home from hospital on the Thursday & on the Friday night before bed I told him I'll push the bassinette around to his side of the bed. He asked what for. I told him "It's Friday night.... your night". He said "Oh, are we still doing that?" Ummm yeah! He rolled his eyes & huffed & puffed with his tanty (infront of my sister hehe) but I made him keep it up.

I often find myself reminding him that the kids are BOTH of ours, not just mine who he gets to show off when it suits him.

It is just a cop out when they say "He/she wont settle for me" blah blah blah. It drives me INSANE!!!! Wouldn't that be the life, being able to have a child when it suits you but when it all gets too hard someone else will setlle it for you & do all the hard work for you.

Anyway, sorry I've gone on & on but its a sore topic here too.

I suggest you sit down with Shel calmly & explain to her how you're feeling & try to work out a time that she can give you a break. Even if its in the afternoon once a week, she could take Jazz for a walk in the pram for an hour or so while you have a nap or a bath or whatever you want to do, but I believe you definately need a break.

Good luck getting through to her hun.

[Nai]

DP would/will get up nights where he doesn't have to be at work the next morning ie. Friday/Saturday OR if there has been a spew etc to help clean up (I'm really, reallly bad with vomit).

However, when i also went back to work this had to change as I couldn't be tired all the time either so it went back to being a shared thing. The good thing with DP's job is he gets heaps of carers leave so he always stays home with DD if she is sick

[Marlene]

... last night Jazz was being fussy, and Shel passed her back to me after 5 minutes of trying to settle her (with a 'her, you have her, she doesn't like me' ), so I snapped at her (shouldn't have but Jazz was cranky pants velcro baby all day) and Shel stomped off and went to bed..

Sounds exactly like my house!! My DH does NOTHING!! He thinks he is a flaming hero if he takes the garbage out. You should have heard the promises that were made to me when he was trying to convince me to have another baby. Don't get me wrong, I am glad he convinced me as Jack is the light of my life, but, wow, did those promises of help and support go out the window quick!!

I myself am trying to work out how to fix this, so I really don't have any advice, but I hope things get better for all us with "not so helpful" partners.

[Arimeh]

Leash - I'm sorry if I'm always "Shel bashing" but really - she does have to pull her finger out and help with the "parenting" of this child.

She may not be the one feeding Jazz - but she has three things Jazz wants - a chest to lay her head on, arms to cuddle her with, and lips to kiss her.

And yes, DH does get up to DS - still - all the time - I never go in there anymore - and when DD wakes, he goes to the kitchen and gets her bottle and warms it up while I get DD out of the bassinette next to the bed. Then he starts feeding her while I go to the toilet... he does this and then goes back to sleep (if she doesn't start screaming after the feed like she did last night!!).

This is during the working week though - on weekends he will feed her and let me sleep. Plus, he also gets up with DS when he gets up EARLY and lets me sleep in every morning (well till 6 anyway..lol)

I don't have a superman for a husband - I just have a partner that knows what parenting means - SHARING the responsibility - and doesn't just hand the babies back to me. (Hmm.. that could be because he knows what reaction he would get from me if he did it... )

I hope she gets better for you hon, I really do.

[Hoody]

One thing that DH and i do and it seems to work for both of us is have one night where all the responsibility is his. Sounds a bit silly but from the moment he's home on a Fri he looks after the girls. I can go to bed as early as i like and he has to see to them if they wake etc. He also has to get up when they wake in the morning. He doesnt mind and i see it as my time off my JOB haha iykwim. Of course i'm still around if he needs a hand or something but its nice to go to bed and know i dont have to get up until my body is ready to wake up. Maybe you and shel could come to some arrangement similar. It helps me get through the tough nights (esp in the early days) knowing that i had a full nights sleep coming soon. HTH
Hoody

[Sammiejane]

DH doesnt get up....

Well at the start he did and i told him that there was NO point in him doing so.
He works and so has to be on the ball in the morning, where as i dont have to.
I also exclusively BF, so i dont really see the point cos 9 times out of 10 he would need to wake me to feed her, so really there is no point in it.
Sure it would be nice if he insisted that he would change the nappys or that i express so he can do a feed at night, but its not going to happen, and i would be awake anyway he doesnt know how to be quiet!

However as a compromise, sometimes i will put in ear plugs in at about 4 am and he will get up if she need anything or will play with her so i can have a bit of a sleep in. I still have to get up and feed her, but having the ear plugs means that i can have a deeper sleep without having to listen out. We ususally do this for one day in the weekend

If she wakes up when we are still up, i often have to ask him to get up as he just assumes that i will do it. It is not that he doesnt want to, he just doesnt have his brain switched on the same way that i do.
Sometimes its annoying, but usually if i just let him know calmly it works.

Being a new Mum can be sooo tiring and until you are actually doing it all, i dont think anyone can understand. I dont think that being female makes it any easier to comprehend iykwim, actually being the full time parent is the only way that you realise.

You need to sit down, explain how you are feeling and also see if you can come to some sort of
compromise or ask for some help

If it makes any difference, Jaz will run to you when she skins her knees and look for you for the comfort, I dont want to be loved more, but when MJ just wants a cuddle from me, i realise all those times getting up in the night are worth it

I hope this helps a litlle

ETA : Parenting IS for BOTH parents... However you need to work out what is done by whom, DH works so that i can stay at home and look after Molly Jane, if i was back at work i would definatly expect more from him, but his role is to bring in the money so that i can continue to enjoy being a SAHM, my job is full time, but so is his as he is on call a lot as its his own business.
Maybe Shell sees the fact that she is working as her contribution... DH does help out when he can and sometimes he will send me off to the shops (as in clothes shops) on Saturday mornings (with $$) so i can have a break, this works for us and i am happy with it for the most part.

[Hansie]

My DH has always gotten up with me when BF and now if DS wakes in the middle of the night. For morning feeds now he will go and fetch DS and bring him into me and then go and warm his bottle. If it is a work day and 6am he will just go and get ready for work otherwise he will get back in to bed and sleep.

I think it's a personal decision I am very much a everything has to be shared person. DH always puts DS to bed in the evening and has done from being very young. Bath, BF and then bed and DH would do the bath and then put him to bed once he'd had his feed.

With my return back to work when DS was 7mths I was even more grateful that we parented this way. We fell into this routine we never discussed it but DH felt that he would be missing out on so much not to get up to DS.

Best of luck with getting the help you want/need!

[satya]

We don't have to get up during the night usually now but if he does wake it's always me that gets up to him. When he was waking during the night I always got up to him and a couple of times DF got up with me to keep company, but it hardly ever happened. We did however have an agreement that I would do all the night stuff until I go back to work.

[Pretty Butterfly]

He still complains about it & will often get me up to settle DD or DS back to sleep because they "wont settle for him".

This is what you could maybe explain to Shell???? Not getting in now will only hinder her ability to jump in later, if Jazz isn't getting used to her when she is upset already. In a way she is making you the only parent that can soothe her and have her of a night...
Jazz needs to go to Shell when upset or unsettled, so they can find there own little niche to have.

Shell may regret standing back later on when she only wants you and not her other mummy...